- Let's talk about relational bullying.
I used to be the only person of color
in a friend group comprised solely of white women.
Who are The Problematics?
- They're white girls whose audacity knows no bounds.
If regular people have issues, they have subscriptions.
- That one there, that's Kara Smith.
She's one of the most self-absorbed girls you'll ever meet.
- Melissa sat next to her in group therapy last year.
- Instead of asking, how are you?
She asked, how am I?
- That little one is Gretchen Von Williams.
She's totally rich because Weird Al adopted her.
- Gretchen Von Williams knows everybody's business.
She knows everything about everyone.
- That's why she has bangs, it hides her secrets.
- And evil takes a human form in Regina Georgé.
Don't be fooled, she's not your typical backstabbing
slut-faced evil ho-bag,
she's so much more than that.
- She loves to hold court.
Even if you've heard a story before,
she'll make you listen to it raptly to retell it again and
again and again and again.
The Problematics.
How do we even begin to explain The Problematics?
- The Problematics are such good listeners.
When six Asian women were murdered in Atlanta,
they asked me how I felt,
and then they talked over me the whole time.
- One time I was complaining about a fetishization
and they reminded me, I'm lucky I'm fuckable.
- I outed a powerful rapist
and then they bullied me out of their group.
It was awesome.
This particular group of "friends"
embodied so many problematic behaviors-
triangulation, hierarchical competition,
controlling narratives
and perceptions of themselves through manipulation
and best of all, relational bullying.
So relational or social bullying is any subtle behavior used
to socially detach or isolate another individual.
Harm is caused by damaging someone's reputation
or social status.
It's different than other obvious forms of physical
or verbal bullying because the actions are usually quiet
and hidden from others.
And often, get this, happens between friends.
So, research shows that girls are more likely to engage in
relational bullying than any other kind.
And relational bullies are often popular, charismatic,
and rarely suspected to be bullies.
Their bullying is often disguised as friendship
and that friendship is used as a weapon.
So, these bullies use a variety of tactics
to diminish their victims-
exclusion, gossip and rumors,
and even attempts to damage
or end close relationships of their targets.
All done covertly
as though they're some clandestine fucking spy.
We're about to pull off an impossible mission.
Where's your artillery?
- Right here.
- What is it? A bomb? A poisonous concoction?
- No, it's an iPhone 12.
- How are you going to pull this off with a stupid phone?
- See, while you were busy scouting the museum,
I was doing the real spy work.
I became besties with the curator.
- Hello?
- Oh my God girl.
I'm so sorry but Zack made a move on me tonight.
- (Quick gasp) (Foreign expression)
- She confided in me that she thinks he's too good for her
and he's gonna leave her someday.
This will break her up for good.
- What does that have to do with our extraction
of the Mona Lisa?
- I'm so sorry.
I think you should head to his house immediately.
- Merci for telling me this, you are a good friend.
(girl crying)
- Well, now look who's got the better weapon.
- Jean Claude, how could you?
- Now you would hope that most girls
and people would just grow
out of relational bullying by the time they're adults,
but fun fact: high school doesn't end for some people. Whoa!
Emotional immaturity can persist in those who never do
the work and stave off awareness.
And when you're also a person of color
surrounded predominantly by white women,
you often have to deal with microaggressions
and racist remarks on top of
good old, regular relational bullying.
Yay for us. Yes, we can have it all.
Now, how do you deal with relational bullying?
Well, according to my therapist, AKA The Oracle,
the best thing to do with these people is to
turn off the lights, walk out of the room,
move into indifference,
because they can't suck the life out of you,
if they don't have a straw.
So, revoke the straw.
I'm Anna Akana,
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