Thank you, man. Thank you. Happy to be here.
I love stand-up so much.
It makes me perform in places I've never been before.
Last summer, I performed in Nantucket, Mass.
It's the whitest place I've ever been to in my life,
and I've been to the Pottery Barn.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- It's so white!
Like, I've never been to a place that has--
a land that has no culture.
None. I was the culture.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- They were looking at me like, "There he is.
That's the culture."
It's so white, it's like-- Nantucket's like going to
a ice cream store that only sells vanilla ice cream,
and they have no toppings.
"You got sprinkles?" "No!"
"Caramel?" "Mm-mm!"
"Hot fudge?" "[laughs]
"You better take your black ass to Martha's Vineyard!
We ain't got no goddamn Obama sauce."
Hmm, thank you.
Happy to be here, man.
I got to--my brother. I love my brother.
My brother's transgender.
Transitioned from a woman to a man years ago.
- AUDIENCE: [cheers and applause]
- Love him very much. Oh, thank you.
Alright. Cool, cool.
I'll tell him you care.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I love him.
And I love that he loves his body,
and I'm happy that he loves his body.
He loves his body so much, he loves to brag to me now.
He'll come up to me like, "Look, man,
I've got more facial hair than you."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "I've got more armpit hair than you."
I didn't know
he transitioned into an asshole.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
[applause]
- It's like, I get it, but you ain't gotta flex on me.
Damn! You know what it felt like?
It felt like I was at the end of "The Little Mermaid,"
and the mermaid's like, "What's up, Ariel?"
And she say, "Oh, y'all bitches still got flippers?"
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "Damn, Ariel, we just wanted to say hi."
"I got sneakers! I got feet!"
"Alright, bitch, look, we just wanted to tell you,
just go visit your father whenever you can, bitch. Bye."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "Ariel's a dick.
I'm not going back up there if she gonna act like that."
That's why I'll always have a warm spot in my heart
for the LGBTI community, you know what I mean?
'Cause I hope that they get the representation in mainstream
that they deserve--that everybody deserves, real talk.
- AUDIENCE: [cheers and applause]
- Like, to the point-- yeah, you can clap. Yeah.
- AUDIENCE: [applause]
- To the point I'm hearing
they're making a "Black Panther 2,"
and I'm hoping this movie, the Black Panther acknowledges
his brother, the Pink Panther.
- AUDIENCE: [laughter and applause]
- I think it's time, 'cause if I can do it, he can fucking do it.
'Cause you know "Black Panther 1,"
he was back there the whole time, like,
"So, y'all not gonna let me fight?"
- AUDIENCE: [laughter and applause]
- "I made y'all outfits."
- AUDIENCE: [laughter and applause]
- "Okay, okay.
Alright, everybody brand new. Alright."
You always got, man--
you always got to love and support your family, man.
They support you back, like, my mom retired.
Love my mom.
Of course I love my mom. I'm a black man.
Black men love their mothers.
Like, three things we only love--our mothers, chicken,
and "Dragon Ball Z."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Don't mess with our Goku, ain't gonna be no problem.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- So Mom's retirement, 35 years as a public school teacher.
Shout-out to any teachers out there, you know?
If public school teachers worth a shout-out to you.
- AUDIENCE: [cheers and applause]
- Yeah, man! Ah!
I learned so much when she retired,
'cause it's so different from when, like,
somebody in the NBA retires.
When they retire, their jersey in the rafters,
"I had a good time.
Thank you for the career. Good night!"
But when a teacher retire, it's just like, "I'm done!"
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "That's it!"
"Do you want a party?"
"No! This never happened!
"Fuck those kids!
I'm ghost!"
Oh, so jaded!
But I get why they're jaded. I get it.
But I feel like teachers are celebrities,
but we don't treat them as such.
- WOMAN: Thank you! - They are. You're welcome.
They are! We don't treat 'em as such.
Celebrities!
They molded our lives.
That's why we sitting in these seats today, man.
We know our first grade teacher.
We remember our kindergarten teacher.
We remember them. You know how they celebrities?
You remember when you was a little,
you see your teacher out in public, you freak out?
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "Mr. Berle, what you doing out here with shorts on!?"
- AUDIENCE: [laughter and applause]
- "Why you got your ankles out? What the fuck you doing?!"
"Oh, I'm just going to the beach."
"No, you live in school!"
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "I ain't never seen you outside!
What you doing outside?!"
Never thought they had they own life.
Man, when I was little, man,
I thought my teacher at the end of the day
just go into the cubby and recharge.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
[applause]
- "Alright, it's 8:30. How you doing, class?"
"Oh, I knew he was back there! He never leaves!"
[chuckles]
They're celebrities, but we don't treat them as such.
That's my mom. She's a local celebrity.
I'll take her out to the movies and every time,
she'll run into some grown-ass man
that she taught in second grade, and he can't contain himself.
"Yo, Ms. Davis! You remember me?!
"You remember me?! You remember me?!
"That's my second grade teacher.
You remember me?!"
- AUDIENCE: [laughter and applause]
- And my mother acts like a celebrity
that doesn't want to be bothered.
"Ha, ha, ha, hello, Trey."
- AUDIENCE: [laughter and applause]
- "Ugh, how are you, Trey?
"That boy can't read for shit.
Hey, baby."
"What? Mom, what are you talking about?"
"Yeah, I would've left him back, but his momma too ratchet.
"Hey, baby!
Good to see you. Alright."
"Yo, Ms. Davis, let me get a autograph!"
"No, baby, you can't read.
"I remember. That's alright.
I'ma go see 'The Black Panther' now."
- AUDIENCE: [laughter and applause]