- [Frank] Today's sponsor is ExpressVPN.
Get three months free at expressvpn.com/frankjames.
(upbeat music)
- Well, he's very nice.
Or at least, he tries to be.
Or at least I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt
that he's trying.
Because the alternative would be that he's a butt-head,
and that he knows he's a butt head,
and that he's okay with being a butt head.
And that's shocking to me.
- That guy is a straight up psychopath.
He drove us to work once
and said, "Sorry the car's such a mess."
There was nothing in the car
except a sweater in the back seat.
And it was folded.
- Sure, he's got some talent.
But what is he doing with it?
Does he have a plan?
Is he hustling?
'Cause I wouldn't call hanging out at the park
in a drum circle with a bunch of hippies
for six hours hustling.
I'd call it not very pleasant smelling.
- What a dreadful life he must lead.
It's like, "Oh, we got work to do.
Let's do this work over here.
Oh, that's done.
Now let's do more work over here."
It's like, dude, come on.
Stop and smell the incense from time to time.
Enjoy a refreshing kombucha.
- Oh yeah, he's a real wild dude.
I mean, I've seen no actual evidence of that,
but nobody can be that straight-laced.
There's gotta be something he's hiding
behind that buttoned-up exterior.
Like he hangs out at nudist beaches,
or he makes moonshine in his bathtub.
Because if he is who he seems to be,
he is like the saddest person ever.
- I never have any idea what he's talking about
or if he's being serious.
One day he interrupted a conversation
he was basically having with himself
about quantum physics, Kim Kardashian, and peanut butter
to talk about how his grandma broke her coccyx.
I laughed. It wasn't a joke.
- It's like he takes pleasure in being selfish
and never thinking about the big picture.
And my attempts at shaming him into being a better person
don't seem to have any effect.
Well, actually they do.
They seem to make him want to be worse.
- He gets way too passionate
about every social issue there is.
So I like to do things just to rile him up.
Like if we go to a restaurant that gives out paper straws,
I'll bring my own plastic straws.
Oops. Sorry, environment.
- He's always staring.
He talks in this emotionless monotone,
and somehow he always seems to know what to expect next.
He's basically evil.
- He never has a plan and has way too much energy.
Every chance he gets,
he does something chaotic to throw me off balance.
He's trying to ruin my life.
And he enjoys it.
He's basically evil.
- Oh yeah, we are great friends.
I mean, he's definitely a little nerdy
and needs some help getting out of his shell,
which I'd love to help him do (laughs)
if he ever picked up my calls or answered my texts.
But we're still great friends.
- I leave the house very rarely,
but somehow I always manage to run into him.
I'm at the grocery store, there he is.
I'm at the Chick-fil-A drive-thru, there he is.
It's like he has the Find Friends app
hardwired into his brain,
and I can't turn off my location services.
- I don't trust him,
'cause he's always trying to figure me out.
I can tell.
He thinks he can use some kind of like
psychological manipulation on me or something,
so I keep him on his toes by doing random (beep).
Like last week, I picked him up to go bowling.
I drove to a bowling alley six hours away.
Try to figure that one out.
- Sometimes he's so intelligent
that I think he must be a genius.
But other times, he's so erratic and impulsive
that I wonder if he was dropped on his head as a child.
Is he smart?
Is he dumb?
Or is this spectrum like a circle,
where being extremely dumb and extremely smart
are basically the same thing?
- I'll ask him a simple question,
and he'll fall apart
like I just punched him in the butt or something.
- [Interviewer] What did you ask him?
- All I said was,
"Why are you making such a dumb decision?
Are you stupid? You donut."
I put it very tactfully.
- If any emotions ever arise within him,
they cause a catastrophic error
and he goes into destructo mode,
like a monster destroying the city of Angel Grove
at the end of a "Power Rangers" episode.
Except there's no Pink Ranger to swoop in and save me.
And then I could like, ask her out,
and we could live happily ever after.
Oh, sorry. What?
(upbeat music)
- Hey, I'm headed to the airport.
- Why?
- I gotta fly to the UK
so I can watch The Office on Netflix.
- I got a better idea. Let's use ExpressVPN.
- Is that like an express train
that tunnels under the ocean to the UK?
- Yeah, sort of.
A VPN is a virtual private network,
which is like a secure tunnel
between your devices and the worldwide interwebs.
- Talk to me.
- One of the coolest things that ExpressVPN can do
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- Shut the front door.
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or at the link in the description.
- Uh, what description?
Oh my gosh.
I'm in a YouTube video.