- [Jeff] When Ari asked me to tell this story,
I was hesitant,
because I still might go to jail for this.
(hip hop music)
(swishing)
(bang)
(smash)
(stabbing)
- [Ari] Welcome to This Is Not Happening presents,
World Of Blunder.
- If you've never been to the show before,
this is a bunch of comics telling fun stories
about real shit that happened.
Give it up,
for Mr. Jeff Dye everybody,
let him hear it! (clapping and cheering)
- Thank you!
I gotta tell ya,
when Ari asked me to tell this story,
I was hesitant,
because I still might go to jail for this.
(laughing)
Well, it's like, yeah, I guess it is kind of a funny story.
(laughing)
Here I am out of,
just flattery that he asked me to tell it.
Okay so, I worked the road and my opening comic is
my best friend Brandt Tobler,
he's a very funny guy,
but he's famous for just gettin' into trouble.
And I'm pretty famous for gettin' into trouble,
and when we started working together,
it just magnified by like a million times
of us getting into trouble.
We're in Marco Island, we're doing this comedy club,
this great comedy club,
and someone says,
hey we should go to this bar called Vandy's.
Some old NFL kicker owns it.
And I was like, wait, Vandy, like Mike Vanderjagt?
And they're like, yeah yeah, you know that guy?
And if you don't know a lot about sports,
Mike Vanderjagt is a NFL kicker,
who is famous for being an incredible kicker.
The guy never missed kicks, he was insane.
But he was equally famous (laughs),
the same way like the Iron Sheik's famous.
(laughing)
Or stories about Tracy Morgan. (laughing)
Like these are the kind of,
famous Mike Vanderjagt is.
He choked a junior high kid,
he's a troublemaker himself.
Peyton Manning called him "The Idiot Kicker",
that's what he's like most famous for
is being called The Idiot Kicker.
Peyton Manning called him that in a Pro Bowl,
The Idiot Kicker,
and I was like wait, Mike Vanderjagt has a bar here?
And like, yeah, let's go.
So we go,
we drink a lot.
I like to drink a lot.
Me and Brandt got pretty drunk,
and we're just so excited
that we're at Mike Vanderjagt's bar.
We keep asking the bartender,
"You think he's gonna come in?"
They're like, "Nah, he doesn't come in here,
his wife doesn't let him."
(laughing)
All that stuff,
so we just as football fans and drunks,
we're just like,
man, we'd really like to meet Mike Vanderjagt blah blah.
So we're just being regular idiots and then,
about two o'clock we're like,
you know what we should do?
We're drunk by the way...
We should steal something from here, right?
And then put it at our house,
and then when people come over and they're like,
why do you have that whatever it is,
we can be like, we stole that from Mike Vanderjagt!
(laughing)
Right, which sounds like
a really cool idea when you're drunk.
I admit it's,
not that cool, but like, when you're drunk,
you're like, that's the best idea ever!
(laughing)
So we're looking around,
and everything's kinda tacked down.
The restroom signs, and things on the wall...
Everything's just nailed down.
They've thought about morons like us.
(laughing)
So I went to the front of the
restaurant or bar, or whatever the heck it is,
and the only thing that wasn't nailed down
was his framed Pro Bowl jersey.
(laughing)
The Pro Bowl where Peyton Manning
called him The Idiot Kicker.
(laughing)
Now if you don't know about Pro Bowl jerseys,
they're like trophies to these players.
They don't make a bunch, they don't sell replicas.
You get one, that's your trophy.
You play in it, and then you frame it.
I didn't know that.
(laughing)
So I wobble back to my buddy Brandt, and I was like,
I think I got it man,
we should get his Pro Bowl jersey!
Brandt's like, that's the best idea ever!
(laughing)
So we hide in the men's bathroom, and we're like,
how are we gonna do this?
So waited for the place to close,
we tell these girls that we met,
like hey, just get the car ready.
We're gonna jump in the car
and then we'll go back to where we're going.
And they girls were like, oh, okay.
(chuckles) Now they're accomplices.
(laughing)
So anyways we come out, I take the frame.
It's like three foot by three foot.
It's like this huge framed jersey from the Pro Bowl.
Take it off the wall, I grab it,
Brandt grabs an Edgerrin James autographed jersey,
so we're both in this together you know.
(laughing)
Can't hold both sides, that don't make sense.
So we grab each one, we jump in the car,
we drive back to the penthouse,
and we break 'em outta the frames
right when we get back there.
We putting them on...
We're like the worst criminals ever,
(laughing) by the way.
Because we're so proud of ourselves,
we're not badasses obviously, you know,
so we're like all excited.
We're taking photos of us wearing it on Instagram...
(laughing)
We're like, we're in the Pro Bowl, whoo!
We're going crazy.
We had girls wearing 'em takin' photos,
we're in the hot tub,
we're going crazy right?
So the next morning when we sober up we're like,
oh no, this could be a lot of trouble.
And so we're like, this isn't good,
but we're also kind of happy with our new badass reputation,
like yeah, we don't give a f, you know...
(laughing)
That's how badass I am, yeah.
(laughing)
So anyways, we're telling everyone.
We're like, yeah, you know what we did last night?
We're just tryin' to own it, ya know?
Word gets around,
it's a five mile by five mile island in Florida,
Marco Island, and they're like,
everyone's talking about it,
like those are the comedians
came and stole like two jerseys from the bar,
and everyone's looking for them.
The cops reach out to the comedy club owner,
'cause our poster's all over town that we're gonna be there.
(laughing)
It was like, I think those are the guys you're looking for.
(laughing)
So the owner calls me, and he's like,
hey man, the police came to my son's little league game,
(laughing)
and they started asking questions
about the Pro Bowl jersey.
Dude! What is...
Did you do that?
(laughing)
(laughs) And I'm like,
yeah, isn't that awesome!
(laughing)
That was us!
I was just so exicted,
and he's like, bring them back immediately,
or I'm going to tell the police.
I was like, no, come on man, don't be like that.
(laughing)
Come on, it's cool right?
Like a child...
Like, man, come on.
So anyways he makes us bring it back,
we ditch 'em on the patio.
We don't wanna turn ourselves in,
we just like ditch 'em on the patio of the bar and we leave.
So they have the jersey back, so everybody's happy.
And the whole rest of the weekend
working at that comedy club,
they're treatin' us like these jerks.
Ya know, we're just to be goofballs,
we didn't mean to like,
we weren't trying to kill anyone or anything.
Everyone acted like, oh, what about...
Like, everyone was so Mormon about it.
(laughing)
Like, you know, like, oh, I would never!
It's like, it was just a goof.
(laughing)
So the whole time we're feeling judged,
we just feel like, man,
I really wish we wouldn't have turned those jerseys in.
If everyone's gonna treat us
like we're a bunch of idiot, jerk, criminal assholes,
I wish we had the jerseys.
So on the last day of us working that comedy club,
(laughing)
we're like, how gangster would it be to go back to that bar,
(laughing)
and just drink in front of everyone,
like we weren't the guys that stole those jerseys.
It's the only bar open,
so we go to the bar,
we just drinking, having a good time,
and nobody's said anything,
and if they do look at us weird,
they kind of don't want to come up to us.
At two o'clock in the morning,
I look over at Brandt,
I got like a thing of whiskey,
and I look over at Brandt, and Brandt looks at me,
it was magical.
I haven't known this guy that long,
but we communicated with each other
without saying anything.
It was just kinda like this,
let's get 'em back!
(laughing)
So,
they're not in the frames,
'cause we broke 'em out of the frames,
so they're somewhere,
they must be in the back office or something like that,
we don't know what we're gonna do.
So what we do is we lock ourselves in the women's bathroom,
(laughing)
and once the place closes down,
they lock the doors,
we can hear 'em.
We're like hidden in the bathroom,
the women's bathroom, like,
we're gettin' these things back, right?.
So, they lock the door,
and now we come outta the bathroom,
and there's a guy over there closing down the till,
and he's doing his numbers, like bartender stuff,
and we're like, alright, let's just go.
So Brandt darts into the back office,
I don't know where he's at,
and right when that happens
I see the bartender look over at me, and I'm like, oh no.
(laughing)
He knows we're in the locked building.
So he comes over to me and he's like,
what are you doing, hey!
I locked the doors, what are you doing in here?
So I act like I'm way drunker than I am,
and I'm on my phone,
and I'm like, oh, I'm in a fight with my girlfriend.
Man, it's so crazy, I just wish I was gay sometimes,
you know, dealing with...
(laughing)
I'm working this guy, doing jokes on him and stuff,
I'm trying to figure things out,
but the whole time I'm texting Brandt,
don't come out, there's a giant man who's gonna beat our ass
(laughing) if he knows what we're up to.
So while I'm doing this,
Brandt texts me back,
hey, I got 'em, get out.
So I go to the guy, alright, I'm just gonna get outta here.
He's like, yeah, I don't know how you're in here,
I locked the doors.
So he shoves me out,
I run across the street to the 76,
Brandt's got the jersey,
Mike Vanderjagt's Pro Bowl jersey.
And not only that it was his birthday.
It was Mike Vanderjagt's birthday that day.
(laughing)
So we stole it, gave it back,
stole it again (laughs) on his birthday,
and the next morning...
I mean it's a strange thing to celebrate,
but we felt like it was like this victory.
Like, you know what, we did it, we did a cool thing.
So I fly to New York,
Brandt's still on Marco Island.
I get off the plane in New York
to about
15 of these voice mails.
- [Officer] Yes, this is (beep)
with your Marco Island Police Department.
(laughing) I'm here at Vandy's
and your name came up
in an investigation about a stolen
Mike Vanderjagt
(laughing) Pro Bowl Jersey.
So I have like 15 of these. (laughing and cheering)
Keep in mind,
I've never been in trouble in my life.
I was like raised in the church,
which is why this whole thing's so exciting for me.
(laughing)
I'm like Miley Cyrus coming out of my...
(laughing)
You know, I was like, yeah, rebellion!
So anyways, I don't know what to do,
I sit on it for a couple of days.
I'm just getting tons of these calls,
and I'm like, well what are they gonna,
fly to New York to come get this thing in Florida,
(laughing) I don't know what to do.
Meanwhile I'm wearing it everywhere, by the way.
(laughing)
Starbucks, it's doesn't matter,
I'm wearing the jersey.
I'm like, yeah, you know how I got this, I'm an idiot.
I haven't tooken it off, pretty much.
So, then I get this voice mail two days later.
- [Mike] Yeah Jeff, this is Vandy's on Marco,
I think we have a situation that needs to get rectified.
(laughing)
First of all I need my jersey back...
(laughing and clapping) - It's him.
I'm getting calls from Mike Vanderjagt himself.
(laughing and clapping)
He's like, forget the police,
I need my jersey, he's begging me for his jersey back.
I'll let you listen to the rest of this.
- [Mike] And second of all I need two grand
to fix 'em back up the way they were.
We have the whole thing on video, so,
(laughing)
if you wanna not get prosecuted
and not get arrested for breaking and entering
and vandalism and
grand theft then,
just return the jersey
and give me two grand to fix what I gotta fix,
or unfortunately you're gonna get prosecuted
and it's not gonna be good, so...
We have the whole thing on video
at the front of the restaurant,
you guys were looking around real good,
but you forgot to look for the cameras unfortunately,
(laughing) so you and Brandt...
- So I don't know what to do right?
(laughing)
I'm panicking, I don't wanna go to jail.
(laughing)
I know I'll do well in jail,
(laughing)
but for all the wrong reasons.
And so I'm scared, I don't know what to do,
and I'm like, well, what should we do about this?
Me and Brandt are texting back and forth what we should do,
how we should solve this scenario.
Meanwhile my agents, my manager, my lawyers,
are all calling me, like,
what in the heck is wrong with you?
What did you do?
We heard about everything.
I'm threatening to get fired by all my representation.
And also they sat me down and they're like,
what is this, you broke into a bar,
you stole a football player's jersey,
and then you brought it back, and then stole it again?
(laughing)
And I was like, well,
it's not funny when you say it like that.
(laughing)
But the cool thing that I'll leave you guys with,
is,
Police don't care about jerseys.
(laughing)
When you steal a kid,
they go find the kid real quick, ya know?
When ya rob a bank,
they try to get as much of that money back as possible.
(laughing)
I still have a jersey.
(laughing and clapping)
You guys are great, thank you so much!
(hip hop music)
- Jeff Dye everybody, starting center for my basketball team
Shawn Kemp's Kids.
Thanks Jeff for doing that.
What a great fucking story.
I booked him based on story alone.
I was like dude, just come do that,
I don't care what else you have,
do that story on this show, so thank you.
Last week I asked you to leave in the YouTube section
your ideas with who is right and who is wrong
in that fight between me
and Bobby and Natasha and Rannazzisi.
And a lot of you guys got it right.
A lot of you guys were idiots and crossed me!
Wrote comments that were negative towards me,
which I don't like,
but legally they make me show them,
so here are those!
Next week why don't you leave
your comments in the comments section
about your best pranks.
Don't forget to click on the Reddit link
to join in the conversation.
Use the hashtag thisisnothappening.
I'll see you next Tuesday.