- You know, you don't have to perform for someone.
You should be loved
for the little derp dah derp that you are.
(guitar music)
- Oh my God, why am I spinning out?
All this sucks.
- Why don't you just take the reins and text him?
- Can I do that?
- No, you can't.
Look. I know it's fucked up,
but you have to wait for him to hit you up.
- Are you.
- I don't want to get into a political debate about it,
it's just the world right now.
- Says the girl who made Jim
read his high school diary out loud to you.
Like there are zero boundaries.
Look, boundaries don't exist.
- Yeah, 'cause I paid my dues.
Look, you can play the crazy card down the road,
but right now you got to like bear down.
- No, no, no, no, no.
That shits so antiquated.
Listen, why do you need a boyfriend right now?
Honestly, look what it's doing to you.
This isn't Jane Austen times, I'm sorry.
- This apartment is amazing.
I can't believe he has his own washer and dryer.
- Oh my God.
You have to up your underwear game
if you're gonna date this guy,
this is like some little orphan Annie shit, Darby.
Ew. - Honestly this place
is a fucking palace,
if you fuck this up for us, I will kill you.
- Yeah.
It's like legit
(upbeat music)
- Worked every single time.
- Not once.
- Darby?
Holy shit, hi.
- Oh my God.
What,
what are you doing - How are you doing?
- in my neighborhood?
- Well, I was just getting some coffee here.
- Cool, are you back in New York,
did Politico send you back?
- No, no, I actually, I quit.
- Okay, that's amazing.
- Hi, I'm Emily. - So sorry.
- Hi. - Darby, This is Emily.
Emily, Darby. - Hi.
- Hi, so good to meet you. - So nice to meet you.
- You don't have to--
- No, I think I gotta go, I don't want Jim to feel bad.
- Sara, don't leave me here.
- You know what?
You go forth and you get on the dick wagon.
It is your destiny.
- Very upset by the phrase dick wagon.
- Just giddy up - Don't.
and you just
- I don't like the voice. - get on that little
dick wagon and you just-- - I don't like this at all,
stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
- Okay, just stay, have fun, live for me,
Nice to meet you guys, see you later.
- Wow.
(grunting)
Wow, dinner and a show.
- Sorry.
I get crazy OCD with the chin ups.
- How many do you do like every day?
- Like hundreds actually like exactly a hundred.
- What?
- I got a lot of nervous energy.
- A hundred!
- That's not that many.
- No, when we used to do those Presidential Fitness Tests
I couldn't even do one.
I was just like, get up there and I would just hang.
- You could do a chin up.
- I absolutely cannot.
- Come on.
No petite people are very good at chin-ups.
- That's a very hurtful stereotype.
- Come here and put that down for a second.
- I can't.
- All right, hop up.
- Hop up, really? - Okay fine.
- That's offensive. - May I.
Are you good? - Yeah please.
- There you go.
- One.
- You got one more, you got one more.
- I can't.
- Sorry, you just, you have to do an even number
or else the world'll blow up.
- Oh, is that how it works? - There you go.
Wow your hair smells really nice.
- Oh, thank you.
Yes, I have this
hair mask thing that I use.
- So how was it?
Um...
- I fucked the gold chain guy.
(laughing)
Yeah, definitely a one time thing.
(laughing)
- What up casual Darby. - Yeah, one time thing.
One time thing.
I like, I don't know, I got to be this whole other person
and I told him that I was a curator
and I like inflated my whole life
'cause it felt really good to have somebody look at me
and think that I was like so impressive
and just like, oh my God, wow.
- Yeah, well, lying is a really powerful self-help tool.
- Yeah.
I also told him I was moving to Cleveland.
- Oh my God.
- It was in self-defense.
I was worried he was gonna get obsessed with me.
- Poor guy.
- Yeah.
I mean, poor, he'll be fine.
He got to fuck me.
Like he'll live.
(gentle music)