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>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME BRAIDING THE FINELY-BRUSHED HAIR
THAT IS THE DAY'S TOP STORIES, CONDITIONING EVERY STRAND,
PAINSTAKINGLY TWISTING EVERY SECTION INTO THE BEAUTIFUL,
SALON-QUALITY FRENCH BRAID THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I GATHER UP AN UNWASHED, UNCOMBED KNOT-PILE,
WRAP IT IN A SCRUNCHIE FROM SEVENTH GRADE, AND THROW IT
INTO THE GREASY, UNEVENLY DYED, SPLIT-ENDED BUN OF NEWS THAT IS
MY SEGMENT: >> "QUARANTINEWHILE!"
>> STEPHEN: IN ORDER TO OFFER NO-CONTACT SERVICE TO HIS
CUSTOMERS, A BUTCHER IN ROCHESTER, NEW YORK HAS
INSTALLED A 24-HOUR MEAT MACHINE.
BY THE WAY, "24-HOUR MEAT MACHINE?"
ALSO MY STRIPPER NAME.
I'M NOT PROUD OF IT.
BUT I WAS YOUNG AND I NEEDED THE MEAT.
THE MACHINE ALLOWS CUSTOMERS TO "PURCHASE THEIR STEAKS AND CHOPS
WITH MINIMAL PERSON-TO-PERSON CONTACT IN A SECTIONED-OFF
VESTIBULE AT THE FRONT OF HIS SHOP."
AND IF YOU LIKE THAT, BE SURE TO CHECK OUT THEIR GROUND BEEF
SOFT-SERVE.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, A JAPANESE BUS COMPANY HAS COME UP WITH A
SOLUTION TO TRAVEL IN THE COVID-19 ERA, AND HERE IT IS IN
ACTION.
THERE YOU GO.
YEP.
AND SAFETY.
NOW, I KNOW THAT LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUST A BABY STROLLER HOOD FOR
ADULTS, BUT THIS IS JAPAN, SO IT'S PROBABLY ALSO A SEX THING.
ALSO, IN JAPAN, AMUSEMENT PARKS HAD BEEN CLOSED SINCE FEBRUARY
TO HELP STOP THE SPREAD OF CORONAVIRUS, BUT THEY MAY BE
OPENING AGAIN SOON WITH GUIDELINES TO DO SO SAFELY.
ONE OF THE NEW RULES FOR VISITORS: "NO SCREAMING."
SO TAKE YOUR KIDS TO THE DEAD-SILENT AMUSEMENT PARK AND
TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT HOW YOU'RE ALL INSIDE AN EPISODE OF
"BLACK MIRROR."
"ISN'T THIS FUN, KIDS?
THE CLOWNS ARE SO... QUIET."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, THERE IS SOME GOOD NEWS OUT THERE, BUT YOU
HAVE TO GO TO SPACE TO FIND IT.
RECENTLY, "SPACEX'S 'CREW DRAGON' CAPSULE SUCCESSFULLY
DOCKED WITH THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION," AND HERE IS THE
HISTORIC MOMENT THE TWO ASTRONAUT TEAMS MEET.
AND IT'S THE FIRST-EVER "GOING IN FOR A HANDSHAKE WHEN THE
OTHER GUY THINKS IT'S GOING TO BE A HUG" IN OUTER SPACE!
"UHH, HOUSTON, THAT WAS AWKWARD."
THE TWO NASA ASTRONAUTS WERE SENT UP WITH THESE SNAZZY
OUTFITS.
THE DESIGNER SAYS THE GOAL WAS TO HAVE THE ASTRONAUTS PUT THE
SUIT ON AND "LOOK BETTER THAN THEY DID WITHOUT IT, LIKE A
TUX."
BUT THESE THINGS ARE WAY BETTER THAN AN ACTUAL TUXEDO, BECAUSE
IT'S PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM IN THEM, WHICH,
LET ME TELL YOU, IS FROWNED UPON WHEN YOU ARE HOSTING THE KENNEDY
CENTER HONORS.
I'M SORRY, I WAS JUST REALLY MOVED BY ARETHA.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, RESEARCHERS HAVE DISCOVERED THAT "ANCIENT
PEOPLE IN THE KINGDOM OF JUDAH MAY HAVE GOTTEN HIGH OFF WEED."
WHICH EXPLAINS WHY MOSES WAS TAKING ORDERS FROM A BURNING
BUSH.
(AS STONED MOSES) "HEAR ME, O ISRAEL!
I'VE GOT THE MUNCHIES.
LET'S GO TO THE LAND OF MILK AND HONEY.
WAIT, BETTER IDEA: LET'S GO TO THE LAND OF MOZZARELLA STICKS
DIPPED IN RANCH DRESSING.
GOD, WHERE IS THIS PLACE?
I FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN WANDERING FOR LIKE 40 YEARS."
THE RESEARCHERS CAME TO THIS CONCLUSION AFTER THEY
"DISCOVERED CANNABIS AT A 'HOLY OF HOLIES' SHRINE IN ISRAEL,"
WHERE "IT APPEARS THAT ANIMAL DUNG WAS USED AS THE FUEL TO
BURN THE CANNABIS, BECAUSE DUNG BURNS MORE SLOWLY THAN HERBS, SO
IT WOULD HAVE SLOWED DOWN THE BURNING PROCESS."
HENCE, THE ORIGIN OF THE PHRASE "THIS IS SOME GOOD (BLEEP)."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PULITZER PRIZE-WINNING
JOURNALIST WESLEY LOWREY.
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