[Automated Voice]: "You just play the game cause you don't fucking care about the passion these people put into the story and all you care about is just the action in game."
[Automated Voice]: "Not all games need to be all action."
[Automated Voice]: "The rest of us gamers play these games for the story and gameplay."
[Automated Voice]: "Assassin's Creed is a good franchise because they put passion in the games."
[Automated Voice]: "Hey how about you make a video on the new AC: Origins."
[Automated Voice]: "I'm sure your review isn't as fucking terrible as this one."
Hey, guys. Here I am with the new Assassin's Creed: Origins.
As you can tell, this is from the creators of the Scarface video game.
Get that shield! Oh, there you go now. Ooh, now get that sword. There you go.
Ooh, and then they segue that into a trailing mission,
where you can't hear the dialogue because the music is too loud. Genius.
*inaudible dialogue*
Huh?
What are they saying?
What?! Assassin's Creed has a son?
I didn't know that!
"Oh, Pappo! I'm so excited to be Medjay one day!"
"What if I never grow up to be a Medjay?"
"Of course you will. You are my son."
Uh-oh. The son is gonna die in like three seconds.
Bayek: KHEMU!
"Hey!"
Get it?
You know how in every game now you can just light a dude on fire and he starts flailin' around?
Well in Assassin's Creed, you light 'em on fire
and they just kinda go about their business as usual
until... until they just fucking die. *chuckling*"
Suck on this, you fuckin' crocodile!
Oh shit! Sh-- Oh no, am I on fire or not?! I can't--"
I think I'm on fire. I gotta jump in the water--OH! SHIT! No, that's--
Fuckin' crocodile, leave me alone--
Ha ha ha! Now I have a boat, crocodiles.
There is nothing you--
Fuckin' piece of shit!
[Sonic R - Living In The City Instrumental]
What're you doing?!
Why can't he even go up the stairs right? Look at-- What the f--
Didn't they figure out how to do that technology in like... 2004?
Here I am at the lair of the great Pharoah. Ramses VII.
Known for his spectacular broccoli and cheese soup.
And now.. You are OUTTA HERE!
Hoo! He is dead, look at him!
He is killed!
He's still rollin' around on the floor though.
Man, this E-Rated ass Assassin's Creed...
Now this is first and foremost a stealth game. OK?
Here I am now. Sneaking around an enemy base.
Oh, this is how you climb the stairs.
Oh no! We've been spotted by a guard!
OK, now we're back in business.
*gasp* IT'S THE-- IT'S THE BIRD FROM ASSASSIN'S CREED!
"Have you seen my Book of the Dead in your travels, Medjay?"
"I went all the way to Memphis to buy it."
"No."
"There you are, father! We are going home!"
"But this Medjay is helping me!"
"Oh, yes? You are going to find his book?"
"If by some miracle you do, thank you."
Here it is.
"Here's the Book of the Dead."
That was easy.
"Has your father left us?"
"His good life is over."
"He was too weak to live till you returned."
I was gone for like three seconds!
No matter. Your father shall have a warrior's burial.
Now, get in the water. There you go.
There you go...
WHAT THE FUCK?! *laughter*
Grandpa, no. You're supposed to be dead. Now go in the water.
You are dead.
*more laughter* Fuckin--
Here I go for the big... ASSASSINATION!
Ooh! Stab 'em in the head!
He is dead. That man is dead--
Why are you drowning him?
He's already-- I stabbed him in the head.
I stabbed him in the throat.
Why are you drowning--
Oh! And he's still alive!
And ladies and gentlemen, he's still--
OOH!
Oo-hoo-hoo! Now he's dead.
Now he's dead--
Aaaand he's still alive.
Alright, this is-- this is a game.
OH SHIT, IS THAT A FEATHER?
OH, NOW HE'S DEAD. NOW HE IS REALLY DEAD. OH!
When I'm just sittin' here thinkin' of all the badass ways to take out some evil bastard,
I'm thinkin' feather.
That's probably the coolest one.
[Sonic R - Living In The City Instrumental]
Here I am on an exciting mission where I have to follow uhh, Jeska to her village.
It's a lot of fun. It's a great game.
Now here I am on a really great mission where you have to actually carry Pentu to his farm.
Now this part is awesome. Assassin's Creed is actually drunk, and--
you have to follow uh, Claridas. This stupid fuckin' blue man.
Now this is where shit starts getting crazy. I'm following this guy right now,
and I'm not even drunk anymore.
Anything can happen in Assassin's Creed.
Now this shit is- this is awesome!
This is fuckin' awesome! Now you gotta follow these fucking stupid ass merchants around,
who go three miles an hour, cuz they're the slowest, most piece of shittest fuckin--
"*gasp*"
"Come on back!"
I'm pullin' you out of the game! The human body can only withstand minutes of exposure
to Assassin's Creed: Origins before they fuckin' die of boredom!
Hey look at that, I unlocked a new outfit!
Remember in Mario where he had all those cool outfits and they were all amazing?
This is what I unlocked in Assassin's Creed.
A fucking towel?
*cracking up*
Is that a flying rat?
Get outta here! *grunts*
Oh, damn. I forgot he had that move.
Oh shit! You fucked up now! He's bustin' out the feather!
*chuckling* Yes! YES! This is what the whole game has been buildin' up--
Touch that man with the feath-- TOUCH HIM WITH THE FEATHER! YES! YES!
"Assassin's Creed is a good franchise--"
Whoa, horsie!
whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa
hey hey hey hey hey hey-- nanana hey whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa nanana whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa hey
OK, I'm gonna be honest, guys:
This is actually my favorite part of the game so far.
This is awesome.
[Outro Music: Sonic R - Living In The City Instrumental]
[Automated Voice]: "Assassin's Creed is a good franchise." [Outro Music: Sonic R - Living In The City Instrumental]
[Sonic R - Living In The City Instrumental]
["Assassin's Creed is a good franchise" being repeated along with the song's rhythm]