FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN MAKING HER
NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT.
PLEASE WELCOME, LEAH BONNEMA!
( APPLAUSE )
>> THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!
OH, THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!
OH!
THIS IS SO GREAT.
I'M HAVING SUCH AN EXCITING WEEK.
I WENT TO THE GYM.
I DIDN'T STAY, BUT I WALKED IN.
( LAUGHTER )
WEARING A STEELER'S JERSEY.
A MAN WALKED UP TO ME, POINTED AT MY SHIRT, AND HE GOES,
"STEELERS?
DID YOU KNOW THAT'S A FOOTBALL TEAM?"
IVE SO TAKEN BACK I THOUGHT I MISSED THE QUESTION.
I WAS LIKE, "I'M SORRY, DID YOU JUST ASK ME IF I UNDERSTAND MY
OWN CLOTHES?"
BUT THAT'S WHEN IT HIT ME.
I WAS LIKE, "OH, WOMEN NEED TO KILL MORE PEOPLE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WORD WOULD SPREAD, AND PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKE, "OH, SHOOT.
DID YOU HEAR THAT CHICKS ARE KILLING PEOPLE NOW?
MAYBE WE SHOULD KEEP OUR OPINIONS TO OURSELVES."
( APPLAUSE )
THANKS.
ARE YOU GREAT.
WE COULD JUST PAY THEM THE SAME.
IT DOESN'T SEEM WORTH IT ANYMORE.
YOU KNOW WHAT, WE LET THEM HAVE THEIR BIRTH CONTROL.
RESTRICTING WOMEN'S ACCESS TO BIRTH CONTROL BLOWS MY MIND FOR
MANY REASONS.
ONE OF THE REASONS BEING WE DON'T HAVE A HORMONAL BIRTH
CONTROL EQUIVALENT FOR MEN.
RIGHT.
WE TRIED TO GET ONE ON THE MARKET.
IT WAS 96% EFFECTIVE, AND IT WAS BEING GIVEN TO A CLOSED STUDY OF
MEN-- BECAUSE YOU JUST CAN'T GIVE MEN BIRTH CONTROL AND BE
LIKE, "GET OUT THERE."
WE HAD TO WATCH THEM.
RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW.
YOU KNOW, GUYS.
SO WE HAD TO KEEP THEM IN A CORAL.
AND THEN MEN STARTED ABANDONING THE STUDY BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T
LIKE THE SIDE EFFECTS.
I DON'T WANT MEN TO HAVE BAD SIDE EFFECTS, BUT I DON'T WANT
WOMEN TO HAVE BAD SIDE EFFECTS, EITHER.
SIEFNGS FOR WOMEN ON BIRTH CONTROL INCLUDE HEART ATTACK,
STROKE, DEATH.
( GASPS ) TOUGH DAY!
SIDE EFFECTS FOR MEN ON BIRTH CONTROL WERE MOOD SWINGS.
( LAUGHTER )
ONE GUY SAID, "LOOK, I JUST DON'T WANT TO FEEL SAD FOR NO
REASON."
AND THE PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY WAS LIKE, "SHUT DIDIT DOWN!
JAMES IS SAD!"
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S BIRTH CONTROL, INTERUTERINE DEVICE.
LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE ANTENNA.
IT'S ALSO A FREE WIFI HOT SPOT.
( LAUGHTER )
BOYFRIEND THAT IT HAD TO COUNT TOWARDS OUR COUPLE SHARED
RESPONSIBILITY.
LIKE IF YOU COUNT EVERYTHING A COUPLE DOES TOGETHER-- COOKING,
CLEANING-- YOU YOU'VE GOT TO THROW BIRTH CONTROL IN THERE AND
THEN YOU DIVIDE IT UP EVENLY.
SO I'M ON BIRTH CONTROL, AND THEN HE DOES EVERYTHING ELSE.
( APPLAUSE )
I REALLY LOVE MY BOYFRIEND.
I'VE BEEN WITH HIM 11 YEARS.
( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU!
IT'S 11 YEARS IN NEW YORK.
11 NEW YORK CITY YEARS IS LIKE 975 REGULAR HUMAN YEARS.
( LAUGHTER )
FOUR WALLS IN OUR BEDROOM.
( LAUGHTER )
I THINK WE'RE A GREAT COUPLE BECAUSE WE'RE COMPLEMENTARY
DAMAGED.
RIGHT, LIKE EVERYBODY'S A LITTLE MESSED UP, SO YOU HAVE TO FIND
SOMEBODY WHO IS MESSED UP IN OPPOSITE WAYS AS YOU, AND THEN
YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FIGHT ABOUT.
FOR EXAMPLE, MY BOYFRIEND IS A VERY BAD DETAIL LISTENER.
I DON'T CARE.
IT'S NOT A THING THAT BOTHERS ME.
BUT, LIKE, HE HAS NO IDEA WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
FOR SURE.
WE DISCUSSED IT.
WE WERE SO EXCITED.
I WAS LIKE, "I'M DOING COLBERT."
I SAW THE WORDS GO INTO HIS FACE.
( LAUGHTER )
LATER, HE'S GOING TO LOOK AT ME AND BE LIKE, "BABE, WHERE YOU
BEEN?"
AND YOU WANT TO SAY, "WHERE DID THE WORDS GO?"
RIGHT, BUT HE'S NOT DOING IT ON PURPOSE.
THERE'S NO POINT IN MAKING HIM FEEL BAD.
SO I'M JUST GOING TO TELL HIM AGAIN, AND WE'LL GET EXCITED
TWICE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
RIGHT?
YOU GUYS, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I'M LEAH BONNEMA!
>> Stephen: HER PODCAST IS CALLED "WERE YOU RAISED BY
WOLVES?" AND IS AVAILABLE ON iTUNES.
LEAH BONNEMA, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.