I turned 30 last November, and I did not know how to properly smile until about 6 months ago
I am a pro at feeling like a piece of s&#t
This is probably the most personal thing I’ve ever done.
I feel uniquely qualified to talk about this because self hatred, self guilt, crippling
self worth and anxiety are a recurring theme in my life.
Throw depression in there for a good mix.
I know I talk about them as if they’re one entity.
They’ve been a dominating presence in every aspect of my life until about six or seven
months ago.
But I feel ... different now.
Comfortable in my place in this reality, more secure.
Maybe it is temporary, that I do not know.
I am just taking it one day at a time for now.
You know how when you recover from a high fever, you’d be extra careful for the initial few days?
You know the fever is gone, but you also don’t want to be too callous.
That’s how I am these days.
Memories of my self hatred, depression and anxiety are too recent for me to take this
new reality for granted.
I know I am not completely cured yet.
There are moments when the demons come back and take me for a ride, but those moments
are becoming few and far between.
So, what happened?
At least for me, the answer was so clear, so obvious, it was in front of me the whole
time, but I was in denial, processing bits of it only through violent nightmares and
weirdly sexual dreams.
The answer was, my childhood.
Childhood.
It is the purest, most impressionable time of our lives.
To me growing up and being an adult is all about unlearning.
I am still carefully unlearning stuff that I’ve unquestioningly consumed years ago.
Society, especially few adults you look up to, and your relationship with your immediate
world print your brain with do’s and dont’s that later prove to be completely different
from how the world functions.
So ... you unlearn.
But in order to unlearn you need to acknowledge that there is a problem, there is an issue,
that needs fixing.
But by the time you start malfunctioning, those problems, issues or the source, they
are already buried deep within the subconscious, inaccessible in the surface
Which would only come out in the form of abstract dreams or anxiety attacks.
I will tell you an example.
As I’ve mentioned before, I didn’t know how to smile until about 6 months ago.
Whenever I was in front of a camera or even around people, when the time came to smile,
as a reflex, I suppressed it.
Like I am not supposed to smile.
Most of the times when I smiled or laughed, I covered my mouth with my hands.
This weird half smile, half suppressed frown seriously hit my self worth, because almost
always it looked completely weird and it indicated someone who was not confident.
But something happened a few months ago.
When my friend pointed out how I cover my mouth whenever I smiled, I started thinking
about why that was, and what caused this abnormal reflex.
That night, alone in my apartment, in front of the mirror, I practiced smiling.
I laughed out loud.
Looked at my teeth, and I realized that I’ve never once in my life actually smiled or laughed
completely without this reflex to close my mouth kicking in.
Then I remembered the incident.
When I was in my sixth grade, my classmates and I
were standing in a group and talking.
Someone said something very funny and I started to laugh, everyone did.
This one girl who I was attracted to, stopped laughing, turned to me, and said that I shouldn’t
smile as I had a very ugly smile.
There it was.
All these years, I never once remembered that incident.
But the moment I remembered it, years after, as a grown man, it hit me, how deep that it
had affected me, and how this one incident always stopped me from smiling and laughing.
Of course in the following weeks, I remembered many incidents from my childhood for the very
first time.
Maybe I was in denial, maybe I buried them deep within the sub conscious, and when one
came out, several followed.
But I have to admit, it felt like vomit.
It didn’t feel good when all of these painful memories came out.
It didn’t happen overnight of course, but once they came out, I was a changed man.
I even started to walk straight, full of confidence.
That’s when I realized almost everything is internal.
Very little is external.
Our subconscious is as mysterious, as surreal and as dark as the depths of the universe
itself.
Most of my life, I’ve never felt like I’ve belonged anywhere.
There’s this relentless guilt that followed, the need to explain myself for some invisible
masters.
Wherever I go, a fancy restaurant, or a museum, it felt like I didn’t have the right to
be there.
I’ve had anxiety attacks in the middle of a museum, restroom of a train station, parties
and in the middle of a crowded street.
Of course the anxiety attacks and crippling self worth were not because of the crowded
streets, museums and the people around me.
Everything was purely internal.
It amazed me how much I confidently smiled, once I remembered the source of that particular
issue, the change it brought about in me when I acknowledged it and processed that memory.
So, my next thought was, what else is in there that I am in denial of?
Why am I constantly feeling guilty?
Why do I feel like I do not belong?
Why do I walk around thinking that I am a piece of s#&t?
Why do I believe it with every fiber of my body, even when people I love, tell me otherwise.
I felt like a detective armed only with a torchlight descending into the depths of my
subconscious, afraid to find out what it might reveal but also resolved to rid myself of
some of these issues.
Things began to casually come out.
Devastating, life altering memories started popping up uneventfully in the middle of casual
conversations.
As I processed every new memory, forgive whatever shadow figure needed to be forgiven, I felt
better with each passing day.
I stopped explaining myself, laughed, made jokes, flirted and became increasingly secure
in my place.
Of course, it is only my experience, and I completely understand that our personalities
and experiences are vastly different, But there are things that helped me process my
memories and experiences, especially the ones about which I was in denial.
I’ve always despised jobs, the 9-5 structure.
I was a freelancer for the majority of my career.
But a couple of years ago, I was offered a video producer position in a new country,
a fresh start.
I accepted.
The 9-5 system got me into this discipline, this routine where I was given responsibility,
and that in turn gave me a stable mindset.
This peaceful stability definitely helped me in bringing my subconscious to the surface.
My body and mind were relaxed enough in my predictable lifestyle, which made it easier
for all the buried traumatic memory to come up to the surface.
One of the best decisions I’ve made in my
life is ... buying a bicycle, and also moving to a neighborhood without access to any public
transportation, which made me buy that bicycle in the first place.
So I started waking up early and began biking for about an hour each way to and from work.
Primarily it helped with my mental health.
Because of this daily exercise, almost always I was in a great mood.
Agile and confident.
In the beginning it was hard and I constantly thought of giving up and taking a cab.
But it was only because my body was at rest for so long, and any slight movement felt
like a Sisyphean task.
But once I got used to it, I craved more.
Whenever I considered quitting, I thought of this universal rule.
A body in motion stays in motion, a body at rest, stays at rest.
In the past, I underestimated the power of having solid friends.
Not just to have fun, but also to talk about real stuff.
I am very lucky to have some great, intelligent people who’ve gone through hell on earth.
Friday night, a small group of us usually sit in a patio, have a few drinks.
An hour phone call here and there with friends who are not in the same city.
A quick trip with some people who I love.
Almost all of these memorable times were spontaneous with very little planning.
Times with my friends have carried me through some dark times.
Humans are social animals.
Sometimes we forget the power of connecting with another human, on a deeper level.
The power of being vulnerable with another human is therapeutic.
There were times where I felt so powerless, that I didn’t even want to get out of my bed
I forced myself to go out and sit there while my friends chatted away.
Moving from a very cold place with a society where everybody took everything seriously,
to a tropical place full of greenery and sunlight also helped with my mental condition.
But my journey into my subconscious, the fight with my self worth, guilt and anxiety is not
over yet.
In fact it has just begun.
I know full well that I have a long way to go.
I realized that the other night, when a nightmare resulted in a full blown anxiety attack.
I freaked out.
I was disappointed and thought I was back to where I began.
But thankfully it passed.
I am aware that this is a journey and not a single milestone.
At least for me, it all begins with being OK.
Resistance to my anxiety or guilt fuels it some more.
I’ve noticed that the panic that comes with not being OK and resisting a situation brings me as much damage
if not more than the anxiety itself. Being ok is being relaxed.
Being relaxed is about accepting who I am as a person, flaws and all.
When I accept myself, a certain kind of quietness washes over me
I tell myself, that one day at a time is ok. If I feel guilty it is ok, if I feel anxious and scared, it is ok.
There’s nothing wrong with any of this.
This too will pass. I am ok.
Everything is OK.
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