- Hey, everybody, happy Thursday.
Now, today we're gonna talk
about co-parenting with a toxic ex.
But before we jump into that, are you new to my channel?
Welcome!
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Now, today's question came after my collab with Jason Nash.
And if you haven't watched that,
I'll link it in the description, and you can check it out.
But I thought it was really important to address
this type of divorce situation as well,
because if you don't remember,
in my video with Jason, he talks about, honestly
how well his divorce went, for lack of a better term,
because they're able
to co-parent their two children with ease.
And today's question is, amazing topic, Kati,
I'm just divorced, LOL, not just married.
Having been separated for three years,
and raising two teens, one girl and one boy.
My situation is not at all like this gentleman's.
You and your ex-wife have done a great service
to your children.
It still takes two parents even after a divorce.
Bless you, and thank you for discussing this topic, Kati.
Maybe another video on when parents can't co-parent
due to a toxic parent being involved in a divorce.
You know, just like anything in life,
everyone's gonna have a different experience.
Everyone's relationship's gonna be different,
therefore if we are getting divorced
and having issues with that,
divorces are gonna be different.
And so I thought it was really important to address
the opposite type, right?
We talked to Jason,
he's been working really hard
to stay in his children's life,
and he's been able to work it out with his ex.
But this person isn't able to.
And so how do we do this
if one member is being really toxic?
Or if it's just a bad recipe, right?
We can all have really, a difficult time managing divorce.
In research by child development experts,
I'm sure you already know this,
but it's demonstrated numerous benefits to children
when their living arrangement allows support
from both parents.
Which really just means, that as long as
we can have support from both our parents,
and feel pretty stable, it's good.
And it's the best for us while we're developing.
And one reason, is that parents who co-parent
tend to experience lower conflict than those
who have sole custody arrangements.
Studies show that conflict is
what creates the most pain and anguish for children
after their parents split.
And that keeping parental disagreements to a minimum
is a key aspect of helping kids become resilient.
And I'm pretty sure most of you who've been through divorce,
and your parents have divorced,
or maybe been through multiples.
I've had many clients
whose parents have both divorced multiple times.
We know that it's the fights and the trash talking
between the parents that really makes it
that much harder on us.
For that reason, parents who cannot get along
with one another,
or try to force their children to take sides,
we've heard about that, and maybe been in it ourselves.
Or, if we're talking badly about the other parent
in front of the children.
And this makes it so that we simply cannot co-parent.
And just so we're on the same page,
co-parenting, this term that I keep using,
is defined as a parenting situation
where the parents are not in a marriage,
cohabitation, or romantic relationship with one another.
And both parents take care of their children.
The term co-parent may also be used to describe a situation
where, following divorce or separation,
the children's parents seek to maintain equal
or equivalent responsibility for the child's upbringing.
Kind of what Jason had talked about in our video together.
Now, many parents, just like the person
who asked this question,
try and try to communicate with their ex,
so that they can figure out
how to do what's best for the children.
But if their ex isn't able to work with them,
or their breakup was just too volatile for either
to imagine working together ever again,
even for the sake of the children,
luckily there is another option.
And instead of co-parenting, it's called parallel parenting.
And I'm gonna be honest here,
I didn't even know about this term,
or that this is something that can happen,
prior to doing some reading and research for this video.
Now, parenting expert, Dr. Edward Kruk
describes parallel parenting as an arrangement
in which divorced parents are able to co-parent
by means of disengaging from each other,
and having limited direct contact,
in situations where they have demonstrated
that they are unable to communicate with each other
in a respectful manner.
So I like to think of this as like
having happy, healthy boundaries
and very necessary boundaries, really,
around the relationship,
so that you are able to better parent your children.
But enough about defining parallel parenting,
let's get into what this would really look like,
and what we maybe can do if we're struggling
to co-parent with an ex.
And so, according to Dr. Kruk,
these are the steps that you can do.
Number one, all communication must be non-personal
and businesslike in nature.
And relate to information relevant
to your children's wellbeing.
So, just keeping it just about the kids,
it's just business, I'm picking them up at this time,
is that correct, yes or no?
Very direct, leaving no room for interpretation,
and just straight and to the point.
Number two, parents never use their children
as messengers to communicate back and forth.
I remember this happening with one of my friends
in middle school.
That was about the time
when a lot of my friends parents started to divorce.
So they would tell their child, essentially,
to talk to the other parent,
and tell them they were very disappointed,
you know, that they were sent back
without clean clothes last time,
or next time, remember to give them a lunch,
or something like that, that essentially,
didn't need to go through the child,
and in a way, puts the child in the middle,
which is really uncomfortable,
and most of my friends that were going through this
just hated it, and felt like
this whole situation was just ruining their life.
And they wanted nothing to do
with either parent as a result.
The third thing is that no changes to the schedule are made
without written agreement.
And I'm sure if any of you have been divorced as an adult,
or you were a child of divorce,
you know that there's schedules.
Who has you on what days of the week,
or what weekends,
or where are you going,
or, hey, they're taking vacation this time,
and what holidays.
There's all sorts of stuff to negotiate and to schedule.
And so, I would honestly recommend if this is you
and you're going through this situation as a parent,
trying to parallel parent your children,
use a Google calendar,
and I would encourage you
to email directly about certain dates,
and that's how you can change things,
and you work in that document together.
Now, if I was a parent and I was trying to parallel parent,
and trying to schedule things,
I would honestly think it would be best,
if you're able, maybe bring a therapist or mediator,
but to come together, maybe twice a year,
to go through your calendar.
And I would keep this as like a Google calendar.
So neither of you forget,
you get the reminders on your phone and your email,
it can ping you to make sure that you don't forget,
"Oh today's the day that I pick them up."
Or, "Oh, I'm supposed to take them,
because my ex-wife's going on vacation,"
or whatever it may be.
That might be a way of setting the time,
and setting the schedule,
and then going back to the first tip
of making the communication direct and to the point.
If you need to reschedule anything,
then you do it that way.
And the fourth tip is, or the fourth, really, rule
when it comes to parallel parenting,
is no personal information is shared with the other parent
in any form.
And I honestly have to say that I really like this,
because something that I think ends up causing more fights,
making us get really angry or super-aggressive can be
about something that's been going on with our ex.
Let's say they just got a promotion at work,
and they're making more money.
Let's say they moved into a nice new house
or are dating a very attractive or, I dunno,
just dating someone in general.
If we still harbor resentment and animosity towards them,
hearing that they're doing well,
or things are moving forward can be really difficult
and we can lash out in anger,
when we really know that that's not gonna get us anywhere.
So if we just don't know anything about each other's lives
and what's going on,
other than, how the children are doing,
and what's going on with them,
it can just make things a lot better.
And the fifth and final tip is to minimize conflict,
schedules are shared via a calendar or in writing.
And with technology, that makes it really easy.
Like I was talking about earlier,
Google Cal can be really nice,
and then you both see it,
and you can make sure that you're notified
if any changes are made,
and it just allows for a less person to person,
having to talk more to them,
it allows you to do it just through the calendar.
And that can really help, so that no one's surprised
and no one's upset if things get moved around,
and like we said, we're gonna communicate,
before any changes are made.
Now I know that those tips
don't automatically make your divorce
and parallel parenting happen.
And make everything easier,
and make any animosity or upset, or just hurt
that you're feeling, due to divorce, go away.
But hopefully, some of these tips just helped
reduce the aggression, reduce the upset enough
that you're able to work together
for the betterment of your children.
And so I hope you found this video helpful,
I hope it just helps you see that we can do some things
to make it easier on ourselves,
and most importantly, on our children.
And hopefully, by de-escalating the situation
with healthy boundaries,
you can all feel better,
and also, if you haven't heard already,
I wrote a book!
It's called Are u ok?
And it is your guide to your mental health.
Essentially consider it
how to know what kind of help you need,
and how to get that help.
And it's available for free, order now,
you can click a link in the top of the description,
and pre order it.
And if you pre order it, you get signed book plates,
and you can get entered into some exciting giveaways.
If you like my channel, you're gonna love this book.
So click the link in the top of the description,
and pre order now.
Thank you so much for tuning in,
and I will see you next time.
Bye!
(relaxed music)