WELCOME.
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I JUST WANT TO START BY SAYING
EVERYONE CALM DOWN.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S NO REASON TO PANIC.
THE IMPENDING DISASTER WE ALL WORRIED ABOUT THIS WEEKEND HAS
BEEN RESOLVED, BECAUSE ALL MONKEYS HAVE BEEN ACCOUNTED FOR
AFTER A TRUCK WITH 100 MONKEYS CRASHED.
SHOO!
THANK THE LORD!
THEY GOT ALL 100 MONKEYS THANKS, PRESUMABLY, TO 100 MEN IN
100 YELLOW HATS.
ONE IMAGINES, WE DON'T KNOW, THE DETAILS ARE SKETCHY.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: A PICKUP TRUCK PULLING A TRAILER
TRANSPORTING 100 MONKEYS TO, WHO KNOWS?
SIX FLAGS?
GOT OFF I-80 IN PENNSYLVANIA, THEN IMMEDIATELY TRIED TO GET
BACK ON, AT WHICH TIME IT WAS HIT ON THE PASSENGER SIDE BY A
DUMP TRUCK, TEARING OFF THE FRONT PANEL OF THE TRAILER AND
SENDING MORE THAN A DOZEN CRATES TUMBLING OUT.
SO, FLYING MONKEYS DO EXIST.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE ALL FINE.
THE MONKEYS IN QUESTION -- FLY!
FLY!
FLY, MY PRETTIES!
( LAUGHTER ) I AUDITIONED.
I DIDN'T GET THE PART.
( LAUGHTER ) THE MONKEYS IN QUESTION ARE
THE CRAB-EATING MACAQUE.
SO, OFFICERS WERE ABLE TO TRACK THEM DOWN BY STAKING OUT
PARTICIPATING RED LOBSTER LOCATIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THEY LOVE CHEDDAR-BAY BISCUITS.
THEY LOVE 'EM!
RIDE IT, BABY, RIDE IT!
THERE IS ONE SMALLER STORY FROM THE SMILE FILE.
RUSSIA CONTINUES TO AMASS TROOPS ALONG THE UKRAINE BORDER, SO
PRESIDENT BIDEN IS CONSIDERING DEPLOYING THOUSANDS OF TROOPS TO
EASTERN EUROPE ND THE BALTICS.
THAT HEADLINE READS WAY TOO MUCH LIKE A GAME OF RISK.
LET'S HAVE SOME THAT SOUND LIKE WE'RE PLAYING A NICER BOARD
GAME, LIKE: HIPPO HUNGER REMAIN INSATIABLE
OR NEW YORK CITY'S BIGGEST LANDLORD: THIS THIMBLE.
IT'S NOT JUST AMERICA.
DENMARK IS DEPLOYING F-16 WARPLANES TO LITHUANIA, FRANCE
STANDS READY TO SEND TROOPS TO ROMANIA.
SPAIN IS SENDING FOUR FIGHTER JETS TO BULGARIA.
YES, SPANISH FIGHTER JETS.
YOU CAN SEE THEM IN ACTION IN THE MOVIE, "TAPAS GUN."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: YOU CAN SHARE 'EM!
>> Stephen: THEY'RE FOR THE WHOLE TABLE.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> St>> Stephen: IRELAND.
IRELAND ALSO CHIPPED IN.
RUSSIA WAS PLANNING TO HOLDS WAR GAMES 240 KILOMETERS
OFF IRELAND'S SOUTHWEST COAST, BUT IRELAND WARNED THAT THEY ARE
NOT WELCOME.
YEAH, RUSSIA.
DON'T MESS WITH THE IRISH.
YOU ANGER MY PEOPLE, AND WE'LL WRITE A FOLK SONG ABOUT YOU AND
SERVE YOU A BOILED MEAT.
( LAUGHTER ) SO WHY'S PUTIN DOING THIS?
WELL, ON SATURDAY, BRITAIN ACCUSED MOSCOW OF DEVELOPING
PLANS TO INSTALL A PRO-RUSSIAN LEADER IN UKRAINE.
OH, UKRAINE, YOU DON'T WANT THAT.
WE JUST GOT RID OF OUR PRO-RUSSIAN LEADER, AND HE WAS A
DISASTER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
DESPITE NATO'S MILITARY BUILD UP, THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION HAS
NOT GIVEN UP ON A DIPLOMATIC SOLUTION, ACCORDING TO
SECRETARY OF STATE AND NON-SPEAKING ROLE IN A VIAGRA
COMMERCIAL, ANTONY BLINKEN.
BLINKEN WAS ON 'MEET THE TODD' YESTERDAY AND SAID THERE IS
STILL AT LEAST SOME BACK-AND-FORTH BETWEEN RUSSIA
AND THE US AND NATO.
>> WE STARTED THIS EFFORT OF DIPLOMACY AND DIALOGUE ABOUT 10
DAYS AGO.
IN THE COURSE OF THAT, RUSSIA HAS PUT SOME IDEAS ON THE TABLE
IN WRITING TO BOTH THE UNITED STATES AND NATO.
>> YES, RUSSIA HAS PUT SOME IDEAS, UH, IN WRITING, I THINK,
UH, WE HAVE A COPY OF THAT PROPOSAL.
(RUSSIAN ACCENT) WE TAKE UKRAINE?
CHECK YES OR WE TAKE ANYWAY.
( APPLAUSE ) LOOK -- YES, WE TAKE UKRAINE,
CRIMEA, YES, WE TAKE UKRAINE, WE TAKE, WE TAKE...
( PIANO RIFF ) THERE'S SOME NEWS ABOU FORMER
PRESIDENT GOLD YELLER.
LAST WEEK, THE SUPREME COURT REJECTED HIS REQUEST TO KEEP
CERTAIN DOCUMENTS SECRET FROM THE JANUARY 6TH COMMITTEE, AND
NOW WE'RE FINDING OUT WHY HE WANTED TO HIDE THEM SO BADLY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN
TONIGHT'S EDITION OF: ( SNARLING )
>> STEPHEN: EXACTLY WHAT YOU THOUGHT, BUT WORSE THAN YOU
IMAGINED.
BRACE YOURSELVES, 'CUZ ON FRIDAY, THE COMMITTEE RECEIVED
A DRAFT EXECUTIVE ORDER FROM DECEMBER 16, 2020 THAT WOULD
HAVE DIRECTED THE DEFENSE SECRETARY TO SEIZE VOTING
MACHINES.
IN AN ATTEMPT TO OVERTURN THE ELECTION, THE FORMER PRESIDENT
WANTED THE MILITARY TO SEIZE THE VOTING MACHINES.
THE ONLY THING STANDING BETWEEN US AND AN AUTHORITARIAN TAKEOVER
WOULD'VE BEEN ELDERLY POLL WORKERS.
(AS SENIOR) LOOKING AT MY BINDER, I DON'T
SEE A REGISTRATION FOR 'FASCIST JUNTA.'.
PLEASE STEP TO THE SIDE, OR I'LL GUT YOU -- PLEASE STEP ASIDE,
PLEASE -- DORIS, DORIS!
I'LL ASK.
DORIS, DO YOU HAVE A JUNTA COMMA FASCIST?
WOULD YOU PLEASE PUT YOUR MASK ON?
PLEASE PUT A MASK ON.
DORIS, IT'S GOTTA BE UNDER J, 'CUZ IT'S NOT UNDER F.
IT MIGHT BE A MINUTE, THERE'S A BAKE SALE.
THE WHITE HOUSE WOULD'VE TURNED THE WHOLE ELECTION OVER TO THE
DEFENSE DEPARTMENT, GIVING THEM 60 DAYS TO WRITE AN ASSESSMENT
OF THE 2020 ELECTION.
NO DOUBT THAT ASSESSMENT WOULD'VE BEEN WRITTEN BY TOP
MILITARY ELECTION ANALYST GENERAL M.Y. PILLOW.
( APPLAUSE ) A TRUE STORY!
TRUE STORY!
IS THIS GETTING THROUGH TO EVERYONE HERE THAT HE WAS GOING
TO MILITARIZE THE ELECTION AND SEIZE THE VOTES?
THAT 60 DAYS WAS PART OF A DESPERATE STALLING TACTIC
TO KEEP THE EX-PRESIDENT IN POWER UNTIL AT LEAST
MID-FEBRUARY OF 2021.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) MAN, HE WILL DO ANYTHING TO RUIN
BLACK HISTORY MONTH.
( LAUGHTER ) HOW WOULD THE PRESIDENT EVEN
EVER HAVE POWER TO SEND THE MILITARY IN TO HALT A FREE AND
FAIR ELECTION COUNT?
WE HAVE NO IDEA.
BECAUSE THE DRAFT EXECUTIVE ORDER CITES TWO CLASSIFIED
DOCUMENTS: NATIONAL SECURITY PRESIDENTIAL MEMORANDUM 13,
WHICH WE KNEW ABOUT, AND MEMORANDUM 21, THE EXISTENCE OF
HAS NOT BEEN PREVIOUSLY REPORTED.
QUITE A WAY TO LEARN THAT SECRET.
IT'S LIKE GETTING A CARD FROM YOUR PARENTS:
HAPPY 10TH BIRTHDAY LOVE, MOM, DAD, AND ACTUAL DAD.
( APPLAUSE ) HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM YOUR DAD.
>> Jon: THAT'S TOUGH.
>> Stephen: THAT IS.
THAT'S TOUGH.
IN PANDEMIC NEWS, WE MIGHT SOON GET TO FOCUS ON SOME OTHER KIND
OF NEWS.
BECAUSE, AFTER WEEKS OF SURGING CASES,
OMICRON CASES APPEAR TO HAVE PEAKED IN THE U.S.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WOO-HOO!
THE CASES ARE GOING DOWN.
I'M SO EXCITED.
I ALMOST FORGET HOW MANY TIMES IN THE PAST SIX MONTHS I'VE SAID
THE PHRASE "WOO-HOO THE CASES ARE GOING
DOWN."
CASES HAVE FALLEN HERE IN NEW YORK, AS WELL AS IN COLORADO,
LOUISIANA, MASSACHUSETTS, PENNSYLVANIA, AND FLORIDA.
IN FACT, FLORIDA JUST REPORTED ITS FIRST CONFIRMED CASE OF
SOMEONE WITHOUT COVID.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT WE'RE NOT OUT OF THE OMICRON
WOODS YET.
AS ONE EPIDEMIOLOGIST PUT IT "IT'S IMPORTANT FOR PEOPLE TO
NOT BE LIKE, 'OH, IT'S OVER,', IT'S NOT OVER UNTIL WE GET BACK
DOWN TO A LULL."
AH, YES, A LULL.
FAMOUSLY, WHEN SOMETHING IS COMPLETELY OVER.
WELL, IT APPEARS WE'VE REACHED A LULL IN THE ZOMBIE ATTACK.
LET'S ALL PUT DOWN OUR WEAPONS AND REST OUR DELICIOUS HEADS
HERE FOR A NAP IN THE CEMETERY.
EVEN THOUGH OMICRON CASES ARE GOING DOWN, HOSPITALS ARE STILL
SLAMMED.
IN FACT, SOME ARE ASKING WORKERS WITH COVID TO RETURN, EVEN IF
THEY MAY BE INFECTIOUS.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
(AS DOCTOR, CHECKING CLIPBOARD) ALRIGHT, SHORTNESS OF BREATH,
DIZZINESS AND CONSTANT DIARRHEA.
OK, WHAT ARE YOUR SYMPTOMS, SIR?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BECAUSE, SEE, IT'S ME, I'M THE DOCTOR AND I --
>> Jon: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: HOSPITALS MAY HAVE NO CHOICE.
THEY NEED ALL HANDS ON DECK BECAUSE THEY'RE ALREADY FACING
CRITICAL STAFFING SHORTAGES.
FINE.
WE JUST NEED TO ATTRACT NEW HEALTHCARE WORKERS.
(BAGS POTS AND PANS) COME HERE, NURSES YOU LIKE THIS,
RIGHT?
WE USED TO DO THIS!
HEY, NURSEY NURSEY NURSEY!
THAT'S WHY WE BANGED THEM LAST YEAR, RIGHT?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU KNOW WHAT THE GUYS IN THE SOUND BOOTH REALLY LOVE?
THIS!
( LAUGHTER ) YOU GOT THAT, PIERRE?
YOU GOT THAT.
>> Jon: OH, PIERRE, MAN!
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: SOMEBODY JUST QUIT
IN THE CONTROL ROOM.
THERE YOU GO.
THE C.D.C. GUIDANCE ON THIS IS A LITTLE FUZZY.
THEY SAY HEALTH CARE WORKERS WHO TEST POSITIVE CAN KEEP WORKING
UNINTERRUPTED IN A CRISIS.
COULD YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC?
EVERYTHING IS A CRISIS NOW.
WE'RE IN YEAR 3 OF A PLAGUE, RUSSIA IS THREATENING WORLD WAR
3, AND THE GREEN M&M IS SLIGHTLY LESS SEXY.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT A CANDY I DON'T WANNA BONE?
IT'S NOT JUST THAT INFECTE I DON'T UNDERSTAND, SKITTLES
JUST DON'T DO IT FOR ME.
THEY DON'T TURN ME ON.
( APPLAUSE ) HOSPITAL WORKERS CAN STAY ON THE
JOB, THERE'S ALSO NO REQUIREMENTS THAT PATIENTS BE
NOTIFIED IF THEIR CAREGIVER IS SICK, UNLESS AN INFECTED WORKER
SPENDS MORE THAN 15 MINUTES WITH THEM AT A DISTANCE OF LESS THAN
SIX FEET.
SO THEY SHOULD JUST MAKE 'ALL' PROCEDURES SOCIALLY DISTANCED.
(AS DOCTOR) OKAY, MR. PHILLIPS.
TO BE SAFE, I'M GONNA DO THIS COLONOSCOPY FROM ACROSS THE
ROOM.
DON'T WORRY, I PLAY A LOT OF SKEE-BALL.
HERE WE GO!
OH!
I'LL TAKE A LITTLE ALLIGATOR, PLEASE!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUESTS ARE KRISTEN
STEWART AND JONATHAN VAN NESS.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I ANSWER SOME REAL QUESTIONS FROM YOUR
KIDS.