Does he want to be just friends? Often, it's a whole lot easier to spot overt romantic
signals than it is to notice the subtle signs he displays when he only wants to be your
friend. If you're having trouble figuring out what he wants, you'll want to keep watching.
If you and your guy friend only hang out in groups, there's a good chance you're in the
friend zone, according to clinical relationship counselor, Clinton Power. This is especially
true if he has turned solo invites into group outings. Power explained:
"If someone is into you, they'll be receptive to your offer of dinner, dancing, or even
taking a walk alone. If they don't want to turn you down outright...they'll probably
suggest group dates and parties, settings where there's not much chance of being alone
together."
Claudia Cox, relationship expert and founder of Text Weapon, agrees. She told The List:
"When guys are into a girl, they want her all to themselves. If he is constantly making
group plans, then he probably enjoys hanging out with you, but doesn't see you as girlfriend
material."
"Can we join you guys?"
"Ah, I don't know-"
"Of course, come on!"
"Oh, the tables move. You all knew that."
You may be able to tell if a guy is into you by simply watching his eyes. A 2017 study
conducted by researchers at Wellesley College and the University of Kansas tracked the eye
movements of over a hundred heterosexual undergrads as they looked over photos of men and women.
At the same time, researchers asked the participants if they were interested in either friending
or dating the person in the picture.
When the male and female participants had a date in mind, they frequently looked at
the head or chest of the individual in the photo. However, when the men and women desired
friendship, they frequently looked at the legs or feet of the individual. Angela Bahns,
the study's co-author and an assistant professor of psychology, explained:
"This new study shows that what people look for in a prospective relationship partner
depends on their relational goals. The same person who makes a highly desirable friend
may not make a good mate."
Choosing to put yourself out there and make the first move can be intimidating. You might
find that your advance is accepted or, conversely, you might find yourself getting rejected.
If the latter happens, there's a good chance you and your friend won't be transitioning
into dating territory anytime soon. Clinton Power wrote:
"If you reach for their hand and they draw back, if they pull away from an innocent hug
together, or you can't get any good physical contact started, the relationship is not going
anywhere."
A guy who doesn't return physical contact is probably just looking for friendship, but
there are certainly exceptions to this rule. Gian Gonzaga, senior director of research
and development at eHarmony Labs, told Self:
"Men are more likely to initiate sex in romantic relationships, so it's no surprise that they
would want to initiate sex first in a friendship as well."
But why? Counsellor Simone Bose told Refinery29:
"Men can compartmentalize and can see sex as more of an act of desire without emotion…they
can enjoy the sex act without always getting emotionally attached."
Obviously, this can be incredibly confusing if you're looking for a sign that he wants
more than a friendship. In this situation, it's important to look to the behaviors he
exhibits outside of the bedroom.
If you're getting mixed signals, you'll want to pay attention to how he treats you in relation
to his bros. Celebrity life coach Rob Mack told The List that you're likely just one
of his pals if, quote, "he greets you, interacts with you, and says goodbye to you pretty much
the same way he does his guy friends."
Basically, if he's not making any special attempts to make you feel any different than
one of the dudes, he's just not that into you.
It's hard to find anyone who doesn't lead a legitimately busy life these days, but,
at the same time, how many of us haven't used "busy" as a catch-all excuse to get out of
something we didn't want to do? If the guy you're interested in is always busy, this
is a good sign that he's not open to being in a relationship with you. Stacey Herrera,
the founder of The Sensuality Project, told The List:
"When a guy just wants to be friends, he is always too busy to hang out. His schedule
is perpetually full and he is conveniently indisposed whenever your schedule is open.
You might notice that he's rarely too busy to text, but is never free to talk."
"Your wife is on the phone. It's an emergency."
"I'll get it later. We have important work to do."
If you're interested in one of your friends, be wary if he brings up his ex nonstop. Relationship
book author Kevin Darné told The List:
"Anyone who frequently rehashes what went wrong in their last relationship probably
hasn't gotten over it...Most likely they are one phone call away from getting back with
their ex if she were to call him."
On the other hand, if a guy is into you, Darné said:
"He will usually avoid talking in detail about other women he's been with."
Although it's never really a great sign when a guy obsessively mentions his former flame,
relationship therapist Jamie Turndorf recommends talking out the situation if it's bothering
you. She said:
"The effective way of handling this is to ask him if he knows how he feels when he brings
up the subject of his ex. Does he feel hurt? Does he feel angry?"
We're not going to tell you to run if he remains fixated on his past relationship, but, well,
that's certainly a viable option.
Clinton Power advises on his website to watch what your potential partner talks about. He
says
"People don't talk to potential partners about other people they're interested in dating,
they're not even thinking about others, they're focused on their love interest."
This is a frustrating truth if you're looking for more than a friendship. Even if he doesn't
openly discuss other women with you, you should pay attention to those eyes of his. Claudia
Cox told The List to:
"Take notice if he blatantly checks out other women when he's with you."
This is perhaps one of the easiest signs to spot, but one of the most difficult situations
to be in when you want to take your friendship to the next level. Cox agrees that it can
be hard, but she said:
"If you find he has a wandering eye and is having a hard time concentrating on your conversation,
[then that's] a huge sign he's not interested in you."
If you're looking to flee the friend zone, you can test the waters by complimenting the
friend in question. Clinton Power wrote:
"Complimenting someone on looks, personality, car, or any other ego point, will usually
draw a positive response if the person is attracted to you."
If he's into you, you should expect to receive some compliments too. But, if he's not interested
in you as more than a friend, Power said you might just receive, quote, "a stilted 'thanks'
and an averted gaze."
When speaking with The List, Kevin Darné concurred that compliments, whether returned
or initiated, are an indication that a person is into you. He added,
"But if a man doesn't even seem to notice you are a woman, he's not attracted to you
nor romantically interested in you."
If your guy friend starts giving you opinions on how you could change up your look or style,
this is a pretty clear indication that he's not into you in a romantic sense. Kevin Darné
told The List:
"Generally speaking, if a man finds you attractive he is usually resistant to ideas when it comes
to his [potential] girlfriend making any physical changes."
"Take off your glasses. Wait, wait. Let down your hair."
However, there is one exception to this rule. Darné revealed that a guy might feel compelled
to speak up, quote "...if he feels she dresses too sexy and he doesn't want other men openly
lusting after her."
In that case, you have an entirely different problem on your hands. Chances are, if your
guy friend is truly interested in pursuing something more than a friendship, he's more
likely to dole out compliments about your appearance, rather than critique the things
he thinks you could do differently.
How much effort a man puts into his appearance can speak volumes. Claudia Cox said this is
something to be aware of. If he's not dressing to impress before you hang out, this could
be an indication that your relationship is merely destined for eternal friendship. She
said:
"Men today spend a lot of money on male beauty products and clothes. They want to look and
feel sexy, especially around women they are attracted to."
However, it seems guys don't care as much about their appearance when around women they
view as friends. Cox says:
"If he's always showing up without a shower or in sweatpants, then he probably just thinks
of you as one of the bros."
We'd really prefer it if all guys, regardless of their intentions, would shower prior to
hanging out with us. Still, this is an obvious clue you can use to figure out if he's into
you. Just follow your nose.
Claudia Cox explained to The List that when a guy keeps his distance, he may want to just
be friends. She said:
"When you're attracted to someone, you want to be as close to them as possible."
However, a man who's not interested is going to maintain more than just physical boundaries.
Allen Wagner, a marriage and family therapist, revealed to The List that these boundaries
will come in various forms. Men who are looking for friendship will confine meet-ups to, quote,
"daytime coffees or activities." Wagner also explained that,
"Men will avoid late night outings that involve looking sexy or provide the opportunity for
sexual tension."
They may even avoid drinking alcohol with you. In this unique dynamic, Wagner revealed
that the person who just wants to be friends will say so:
"They'll emphasize the platonic nature of the relationship, maybe referring to the person
as a brother or sister."
The friend may also bring up, quote, "the importance of the friendship." Basically,
a guy who doesn't want to advance past friendship is going to spell it out for you.
Kevin Darné told The List:
"Anytime a guy asks you hypothetical dating questions regarding women responding to men,
he sees you as a friend. This is especially true if he wants you to help him decide on
where he should take another woman or what gift he should buy her."
The reverse is also true. If your friend gives you dating advice, Darné said he most likely
views you as a little sister of sorts as opposed to a potential girlfriend. This is especially
the case, quote, "if he offers to set you up with someone else he knows."
So, no, this is not some unusual way of flirting, and the reasoning behind this is pretty clear.
Darné explained:
"Generally speaking, if a man is into you he will usually avoid asking you questions
which put the image of another man in your mind."
Raise your hand if you've ever waited around for your friendship with a guy to advance
to something more, only to later discover he'd started dating someone else. And how
many of us then kept on waiting despite receiving the biggest red flag in history?
Regardless of what you may be thinking at the time, when your romantic interest starts
seeing someone else, it's apparent that he really, truly is only looking for a friendship
with you. Clinton Power wrote on his website:
"Seeing him or her out with someone they're dating might feel like a kick in the teeth,
but after that initial blow, it will get easier. Instead of waiting or forcing things to change,
the high road is to be a good friend. To do that, you will need to deal with your own
feelings of rejection, sadness, and loss without involving the other person."
But, if this is too painful, Power recommends parting ways and ending the friendship.
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