Y'KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME HAND-HAMMERING THE FINEST, MOST
TOPICAL 24 KARAT NEWS GOLD INTO TWO PERFECTLY MATCHED HEART
SHAPES, CRAFTING A CUSTOM HINGE AND A CLASP TO JOIN THEM, AND
CAREFULLY CUTTING AND INSERTING THE MOST CURRENT DAGUERROTYPES
IN IT TO CREATE THE VICTORIAN-ERA SWEETHEART LOCKET
OF STORIES THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES I SNAP AWAKE IN A COLD SWEAT, REALIZING I'VE
FORGOTTEN VALENTINE'S DAY IS COMING, RUMMAGE THROUGH THE
PANTRY FOR A BOX OF NOODLES I BOUGHT TO STOCK UP FOR HURRICANE
SANDY, HASTILY TRIM THEM INTO SHAPE WITH SOME RUSTY GARDEN
SHEARS, AND STRING 'EM ONTO THE BLOOD STAINED SHOELACE FROM A
BOOT I SALVAGED ON THE HIGHWAY TO CREATE FOR YOU THE ACCURS-ED
MACARONI NECKLACE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
>> QUARANTINEWHILE!
>> STEPHEN: QUARANTINE-WHILE, UTAH THEME PARK "EVERMORE PARK"
IS SUING TAYLOR SWIFT OVER HER 'EVERMORE' ALBUM TITLE.
WHEREAS "I" AM SUING TAYLOR SWIFT OVER HER 'EVERMORE' ALBUM
MAKING ME FEEL TOO MANY FEELINGS.
THIS PANDEMIC IS EMOTIONAL ENOUGH WITHOUT A STIRRING
MUSICAL TRIBUTE TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER MARJORIE, TAY-TAY!
DON'T YOU TURN YOUR BACK ON ME!
THOUGH I GOTTA SAY, THE LAWSUIT I EXPECTED AGAINST TAYLOR WOULD
BE FROM SWIFT BRAND SAUSAGES.
AND NOT JUST FOR TRADEMARK INFRINGEMENT, HER SONG "I DON'T
WANNA LIVE FOREVER" IS A CLEAR AND DEFAMATORY REFERENCE TO
SWIFT CHEEZY BRATS.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, A MAN IN CHICAGO HAD A STROKE OF GOOD
LUCK WHEN THE $22,000 FLUTE HE LOST ON THE TRAIN TURNED UP IN A
PAWN SHOP.
"OH. GOOD.
THE FLUTE'S BACK."
SAID THE FLUTE OWNER'S ROOMMATE.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IF YOU THOUGHT WORKING FOR AMAZON ALREADY
SUCKED, FOR SOME TIME NOW AMAZON WAREHOUSES NATIONWIDE HAVE HAD A
10-HOUR GRAVEYARD SHIFT, "THAT RUNS FROM 1:20 A.M. TO 11:50
A.M.," KNOWN AS THE "MEGACYCLE."
OKAY, LET'S JUST AGREE JEFF BEZOS HAS GONE FULL
SUPERVILLAIN.
(AS CREEPY VILLAIN) "THE CARBON BASED WORKERS ARE
STILL ALIVE?
HAVE WE TRIED... THE MEGACYCLE?" QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A 90-YEAR-OLD
AT&T USER PAID FOR A "WALL STREET JOURNAL" AD TO TELL THE
C.E.O. OF AT&T THAT HIS INTERNET SUCKS."
DO YOU KNOW HOW BAD YOUR CUSTOMER SERVICE HAS TO BE FOR
SOMEONE TO PAY FOR AN AD IN THE JOURNAL?
THAT'S LIKE FILING A COMPLAINT AGAINST YOUR BANK VIA SKYWRITER.
YES.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH QUEEN LATIFAH.
♪♪♪