>>> YEAH, I'LL GET THIS CHOBANI YOGURT WITH NO SPOON TO EAT IT
WITH. PLEASE.
>> YEAH, AND I'D LIKE A BOTTLE OF WATER THAT WILL ROLL TO THE
BACK OF THE PLANE AS SOON AS WE TAKE OFF.
>> RIGHT. A $15 DASANI WATER, EXTRA
PLASTIC. >> AND YOU KNOW WHAT, I'LL GET
THE SUSHI TOO. >> I'M SORRY?
>> YOU KNOW, THE SUSHI, YOU KNOW, THE SPICY TUNA ROLL THAT'S
SITTING IN THE DISPLAY CASE NEXT TO THE HAM AND CHEESE PANINI.
>> YOU'RE SURE YOU WANT THE SUSHI?
>> YOU'RE BUYING SUSHI AT LaGUARDIA AIRPORT?
HAVE YOU LOST YOUR DAMN MIND? >> I WANT A NICE BALANCE OF
CARBS AND PROTEIN, JUST SELL ME THE SUSHI, MAN.
>> YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND. >> OH, PHANTOM OF LaGUARDIA.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL THIS YOUNG MAN HOW HE'LL FEEL AFTER HE EATS
OUR SUSHI. ♪♪♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS ARE HAUNTING YOU
THAT DISH YOU ATE ♪ ♪ THE EXPIRATION DATE
IS 10/18 AND STILL YOU'RE CHOOSING IT
AS FOOD FOR A PLANE ♪ ♪ THE PHANTOM OF
THE BATHROOM STAND IT SMELLS INSANE ♪
♪ I AM THE SUSHI CHEF I MADE THAT ROLL
THE FISH INSIDE OF IT CRAWLED OUT A HOLE ♪
♪ YES, YOU'RE CONSUMING IT THIS GREAT MISTAKE
YOU'D HONESTLY BE SO MUCH BETTER OFF ♪
♪ EATING A WUHAN SNAKE ♪ >> IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE A PIJth?
>> NO, HE'S ONE OF THE GEESE THAT TOOK DOWN SULLY'S PLANE.
>> MIRACLE ON THE HUDSON. MORE LIKE MASSACRE IN THE SKY.
>> AND THERE'S JUST A BIRD LOOSE IN THE TERMINAL?
>> OF COURSE, HAVEN'T YOU BEEN TO LaGUARDIA BEFORE?
♪ I LIKE TO WAIT AT LaGUARDIA
♪ LOTS OF DELAYS AT LaGUARDIA ♪ ♪ WATCHED A MAN DIE AT
LaGUARDIA ♪ ♪ BAGGAGE CLAIM CAROUSEL CLING
CLING ♪ ♪ OUTLETS ARE THERE
IT'S A COLD FRANK HERE'S TO A
SKANKY OLD FEELING ♪ ♪ WE LIKE TO PLAY AT LaGUARDIA ♪
♪ WHO CAN YOU BLAME AT LaGUARDIA ♪
>> I'LL TELL YOU WHO YOU CAN BLAME.
>> LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE. ♪ WHEN ANYTHING SAYS
De BLASIO THROW YOUR HANDS UP
AND SAY De BLASIO ♪ ♪ YOU'LL FEEL SHAME
I KNOW SOME OF IT WAS MIKE BLOOMBERG ♪
♪ BUT IT STILL FEELS LIKE De BLASIO
IS TO BLAME ♪ ♪ WHY ARE THERE FIVE
PLANES ON THE TARMAC BUT THE TAXIS MUST STAY
THREE MILES AWAY ♪ ♪ De BLASIO De BLASIO
HE'LL KEEP THEM A TOWN AWAY ♪
>> AND LOOK, HERE COMES A CRYING BABY ABOUT TO BOARD A TRANS
CONTINENTAL FLIGHT. ♪♪♪
♪ GOT A STRIPER IN A DIAPER
IT'S STINKY STOOL BOY ♪ >> JUST PLAY IT COOL BABY.
REAL COOL. IF MY PARENTS ARE LOOKING FOR
ME, WHICH THEY'RE NOT. I'LL BE IN THE KIDS PLAY ROOM
THAT'S ALSO A PET RELIEF AREA. >> WOW!
THAT LET A BABY THROUGH SECURITY.
>> DID SOMEONE SAY SECURITY? >> HELLO, GUY WHO TRAVELS IN
PAJAMAS. >> THAT'S RIGHT.
I DRESS SO THAT TSA CAN HAVE EASY ACCESS TO MY BODY.
♪ SO IF YOU CARE TO SEARCH ME I'LL SPREAD MY LEGS REAL WIDE ♪
♪ I'LL EVEN BEND OVER FOR YOU CAN TAKE A PEEK INSIDE ♪
♪ YOU CAN TELL THAT I ENJOY SECURITY ♪
YOU CAN SEARCH WAY UP IN MY CAVITY ♪
♪ YOU CAN PAT ME DOWN YOU DON'T HAVE TO USE
THE FRONT OF YOUR HANDS ♪ >> OKAY, WE GET IT, JESUS.
YOU CAN CONTINUE ON TO CLEVELAND.
>> HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS GOING TO CLEVELAND?
>> THAT'S WHERE EVERYONE AT LaGUARDIA IS GOING, LIKE IT OR
NOT. ♪♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> ATTENTION, WE HAVE A GATE
CHANGE FOR PASSENGERS GOING TO CLEVELAND.
YOUR OLD GATE WAS A-7. YOUR NEW GATE IS G-46.
IT IS PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO MAKE IT TO THAT GATE IN
TIME. AND THE PLANE WILL LEAVE EMPTY.
THANK YOU. >> I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE
LEFT THAT AT JFK. >> AND I SHOULD HAVE STAYED
HOME. >> OH, RELAX.
I'M NOT SICK. ♪ I'M JUST A PROBIO AGENT
STANDING BESIDE YOU ♪ ♪ MY COUGH IS OVER YOU'LL GET
OFF THE PLANE PROBIO AGENT ♪ ♪ NO I WASN'T IN PARASITE I KNOW
THE VIRUS IS BAD BUT IT'S COMING FROM ITALY TOO ♪
>> MAN, THIS AIRPORT IS LIKE ITS OWN WORLD.
>> YES, A THIRD WORLD. >> IF YOU STAY HERE LONG ENOUGH
YOU WILL LEARN THE MYSTERIES OF LaGUARDIA.
>> WHY, IT'S THE BAGGAGE HANDLER WHO TOSSES EVERYONE'S SUITCASES
INTO LONG ISLAND SOUND. >> THAT'S RIGHT.
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT -- ♪ WE'RE ON A PLANE TO NOWHERE ♪
♪ COME ON IN INSIDE ♪ ♪ THEY SAY IT'S ABOUT TO TAKE
OFF THAT IS A LIE ♪ ♪ SURE IT WILL START TO TAXI ♪
♪ BUT THEN IT COMES BACK ♪ ♪ WE'RE ON A ROAD TO ALMOST HELL
OVERNIGHT ♪