- Hello world out there.
Happy quaran-times to you,
hope you're staying safe and healthy.
Here's some weirdness that may
bring a smile to your face.
I'm here with BuzzFeed,
reading thirst tweets.
(jazz music)
Let's do it.
"I'm jealous of Darren Criss"
"bc" which means because,
not before Christ, as commonly misunderstood.
"I'm jealous of Darren Criss"
"bc Darren Criss gets to touch Darren Criss's butt".
Darren Criss touches Darren Criss's butt
all the time.
Whether out of necessity,
or just out of fun.
It's there.
Everybody has a right,
and a civil liberty to touch their own butt,
and you're making me feel better about it
than I ever have
so, yeah.
I'm doing it right now.
Just hitting it.
Hear that sound?
That's the sound of me smacking my own butt.
It's just a butt,
remember poop comes out of it.
"There is nothing more important to me"
"than Darren Criss's sweaty collarbone."
I should hope there are
more important things to you than a sweaty collarbone.
Your taxes,
hygiene,
maybe learning a foreign language,
but I don't know your background,
maybe you figured those things out already.
I should try and be sweaty more often.
This is not really a statement,
it just says "Darren Criss's ass"
"Darren Criss's ass"
"Darren Criss has a big ass".
Do I have a big ass?
I've never really like...
'Cause there are people who
say they know they have a big ass,
I don't spend hours staring at my butt,
so I don't know what's going on there.
So, I haven't really put
a whole lot of investigation into that.
"I love Darren Criss so much that it hurts when I pee".
(laughs)
I like that is a qualifier for anything you like,
I like something so much that when I urinate there's pain.
(laughs)
"Darren Criss is my bussy whisperer."
Oh that is (bleep).
That's wonderful.
I love that.
(laughs)
That's (bleep) hilarious.
These are things that genuinely tickle me.
We must call upon the bussy whisperer.
There's only one man,
we must call Darren,
he's the only bussy whisperer for miles.
And I go to the bussy and I just
(imitates whispering).
I am honored to be your bussy whisperer.
(clears throat)
"[clears throat]" This is an action, a stage direction.
"Darren Criss's thighs."
and then back into parenthesis,
"[crowd cheers]".
What's cool about this,
I guess the writer in me is
trying to think of the infinite scenarios
where this could be a scene,
where like "Darren Criss's thighs"
being the line,
is the victory.
Like maybe I'm at a chicken bake off,
and I have somehow
made some like, dope ass,
like fried chicken thighs.
And we're all sitting there,
and there's like the final three,
"And the winner is, Darren Criss's thighs."
Crowd goes ape (bleep).
"I want a Darren Criss stamp,"
"then I could lick his face without looking weird".
If the stamp was an adhesive,
where the imagery was on the side,
was on the other side,
then you'd be able to accomplish that.
If my face is here,
then you'd be licking the inside of my face.
So the only other way that you could
maybe accomplish this,
is if you were to rip my face off,
and sort of like,
whip it out like a towel,
and then lick it from the inside.
But that might be a little more hard,
and a little more illegal,
and a little more dangerous to me,
and my livelihood and my loved ones.
"Darren Criss, you don't know me"
"but I dream of fondling your nipples? Okay",
okay "xo".
Thank you for checking in with me,
I'm flattered that I've made it into your dreams.
Dream on sister!
Dream on brother!
I don't know who I'm talking to,
so I don't care who it is, gender wise,
but I hope it was a good dream.
"I've been staring at that pic of Darren Criss"
"all day and it makes me get the bussy butterflies".
God, bussy's really like, turned up.
A lot of bussy representation.
I'm very happy for the bussy community.
"I want to dry hump Darren Criss's jawline".
I don't know if my jawline wants to dry hump you!
So I have to check in with my jawline,
to make sure that there's sort of a consensual interest.
I will check in with you,
I'll check in with his people and
see if we can make this happen.
Listen guys, here's the deal.
I am the creator, and producer, writer,
song writer, actor of this show,
that I created called "Royalties",
which is a really scrappy, zany,
wacky little short form comedy,
that we made for Quibi,
which you may or may not be familiar with,
which is a new short form
content platform for your phone.
Thank you BuzzFeed for having me,
and I will see you again
when I'm trolling all of the comments on this video.
(jazz music)
♪ Shoo be do wop wop, shoo be do wop wop ♪
♪ Shoo be do wop wop ♪