Yo' ass could be native.
Look how big your feet are.
What size shoe do you wear?
13 or 14.
Your ass is native or something, you're not white.
- [Interviewer] Hi, what's your name
and what do you do for a living?
My name is Rebecca Zark
and I am a pediatric mental health specialist.
I'm Colton, I work in the restaurant industry.
Black.
I'm a Russian Jew.
Black, Native, Caucasian, but like
I have on going beef with white people
so like sometimes I let that one go sometimes.
Mmhmm, yeah.
No, no I've never been asked if I'm white.
(laughs nervously)
Oh, okay.
That's gonna be fuckin' hard.
I knew something was up cause
y'all almost all the same color.
Like a bunch of different colors of beige.
This is gonna be so much fun.
In this social climate,
you can't ask me questions like that.
Come on over. Here we go.
Okay.
(laughs)
Hi. Hi.
Off the bat, I'm going to say that you are white.
Why do you think that?
I think it's the eye brows.
I dunno I kind of think--
White people eye brows?
Do the carpets match the drapes?
Is it prickly down there too?
Yeah, yeah it is.
I'm gonna guess non-white because maybe, I dunno.
Probably from like South America.
Yeah I don't think that you're white.
I wanna say that you're like spicy white.
What type of spice?
Cinnamon, I dunno, Curry, I don't fucking know.
But you definitely something other than just boiled water.
Hey, what's up? Not much.
White.
Nothing really about you that could set you apart from me.
Do I talk like a white person?
Yes, you talk like a white person.
I do.
But then like, I dunno,
your facial features are mad interesting.
I feel like you could have a black something.
Cousin, you know, like somebody could be black around you.
What's your favorite hobby?
Video games. Video games?
Yeah, probably.
That's white.
We don't want to look at that, it's too pale.
Oh no.
Whoa, shit, baby hold on.
I don't know anymore.
I wanna say that you might be white.
I'm gonna say he's white.
White.
Am I gonna get like death threats?
Let's see, who's your favorite band?
Nirvana. Nirvana?
Yeah. Okay.
Tubular, say tubular.
Tubular.
He put his head into it and everything.
He's like "tubular."
What do you use in your hair?
That's like a dead give away.
What, no, how?
I think it's Miss Jenny's Multicultural Curls.
Oh, okay.
White men buy no mutha fuckin' Miss Jessie's.
You are not white, thank you, thank you, thank you.
I told you.
You know how people say a mutt?
That's how I see you as.
He's not white, he's other.
Oh god, okay, I'm getting hot.
I'm taking off my sweater.
That's three people now.
It's okay.
Oh yeah, just hot.
Nervous and hot.
Hello.
I'm gonna say that you do not identify as a white person.
Why not? Why not?
Well it's the skin tone. Skin tone.
You look like you could be like
just a fair skinned Mexican person.
You like rice and beans?
Yeah.
Are you allergic to jelly beans?
No, I love jelly beans.
I don't think he's white.
He passed the test.
That was the question.
I ask people that all the time.
If you're allergic to jelly beans then you're white.
But if you're not.
I'm not.
Hello.
Do like your best model walk really quick like up there.
Cause if you're like POC I expect
like more hips and ass you know what I mean.
You don't really have a booty so I don't know.
Do you like Tom Hanks?
I like him in Forest Gump.
My favorite actor is Jim Carrey though.
Jim Carrey.
Talk again for me.
Just like say hello, how are you.
Hello, how are you doing.
This is so hard.
I don't know.
I'm going to say that you identify as a white person.
You look white to me.
I think that she's white.
Native of South America.
Like you are native of South American territory.
Let's go with white.
I dunno.
Hey, what's up.
You have a very like Norwegian/Scandinavian look about you.
Yeah, I get that.
I'm gonna go with white
because of your very light complexion
and your blondie strawberry hairs.
Yes because I'm white, you know.
Yeah.
But you're not white.
Out of everybody, like he's gonna be white
with his people lookin' ass
and you're gonna be the one that's not
cause like this fucking thing
is about making me look stupid.
So, yeah, you're probably like
Native American or something like really interesting.
You are like detective.
Girl, I'm tryin' to win this fuckin' game against myself.
Like I am betting myself that I'm gonna get this.
Hey how are you.
Getting worse.
It's all good.
Do you like film or do you like model or something?
Yeah, I'm a dancer too, so.
Wait, you dance in real life?
I do.
For what?
Ballet.
You do fuckin' ballet?
That's some white people shit.
I dunno a little higher up.
A little less to the ground, I don't know.
He does identify as a white person.
I think he's white.
Buh-bye white man. Bye.
This is the worst thing ever.
How's it going?
Yo' black ass.
How you doin'?
Doin' good.
You like strawberries?
I do.
You like blueberries?
Yeah.
You like pineapples?
No I don't like pineapple.
Say, "I shouldn't have had that second glass of wine."
I shouldn't have had that second glass of wine.
You black, you know that?
Boom, there you go.
That's how you know he's not white.
I think he's white and I think
like Asian if I'm gonna be like super specific.
You are so cool.
Thank you.
What did you eat for breakfast this morning?
The only real thing I like is oatmeal and bacon.
You're not white.
Who'd you fuck last?
I was dating a white girl, last.
Kinda off that now.
I'm gonna go with like Latina or something.
I gotta say you're not white.
Come on.
You look like a Jewish person.
That's not offensive.
It's actually really beautiful.
Your nose is beautiful.
You do have kind of a Jewish look about you.
What does a Jewish person look like?
The curly hair and straight on, from the nose.
Whether that means you're white or not,
I don't know for sure.
He's like Aladdin.
He flies on carpets and he hangs out with--
He's brown.
Aladdin is brown.
I'll go with non-white.
I don't think this person is white so you're not white.
If you're white, I'm gonna be mad.
I'm gonna say you identify as a white person.
Y'all asses about to fuck with me.
I'm not ready for this.
It's the truth.
(screams)
You lied.
Hello, hello.
Look at that.
Boom, you two.
Everybody else is POC?
Word, bow, bow, bow, bow.
I knew it.
Yeah, I'm good.
Did I get right?
Yes and no.
Half Japanese and half white.
Ooh, I was right kinda.
You are spicy white.
Furikake.
What do people normally assume about you?
I've gotten Mexican, Filipino, Native American,
and a lot of white people.
I think I pass pretty well.
My mom's white and my dad's black.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Whoa!
Are you serious?
I'm serious.
I've only ever been like correctly
identified as biracial like by black people.
Cause you look like a black man
but like somebody photo shopped you white.
That really shocked me.
Usually the question of my race isn't
even something that ever comes up,
so I usually just go through life every day
as somebody who just is white.
I'm also biracial.
Okay, how do you...
Mom is black and my dad is white.
I knew it.
I fuckin' knew it, okay.
I do check other on the box.
You do? Yeah.
I would have guessed like half Mexican.
I get that a lot.
Mexican, Jewish, and Middle Eastern.
You're POC too.
I am, yes.
What are you, what do you identify as?
I'm Moroccan.
Do you identify as black then?
No, I guess on forms I have to put white
because the definition says European, Eastern,
or North African, but I don't personally identify as white.
I feel like I'm only white
when convenient on forms and stuff,
but I don't get any of the privileges
of like passing as white because obviously I don't.
And as a white person, I've never had to think about that.
After you saying that, that's not right.
Sucks.
Africa's fuckin' black.
We're all black, Africa.
You're black now, I dub thee.
Thank you.
Check that now.
I'm Native American and Mexican.
Whoa.
Your mom and dad are both
Native and Mexican, or who's Mexican?
They're both Mexican and both Native American.
That's like the perfect match on Tinder.
They're like check, check, oh my god let's make a baby.
White people ever ask you what you are?
I get Asian quite a bit, Middle Eastern a lot.
I'm really upset.
Well okay, so I identify as white,
but my mom is Native American.
What are you doing?
I think it's cause the way I look.
But girl, how much Native are you?
Are you like half and half?
Half, yeah, I'm half.
Don't check that box.
Check the other box.
Yeah.
How does your family feel that you identify as white?
I feel like my Native American family actually
they would identify themselves as white
even though they don't look white.
I know so much.
You know a lot about yourself huh?
I need to know more, I learned that today.
Yeah, that's true.
Was I right? Wrong?
You're wrong, I'm Latino actually.
I'm half Mexican and Nicaraguan.
Oh, wow, okay.
Mostly a lot of people of color also assume I'm white
and it isn't until I speak Spanish
that people are normally blown away.
You speak Spanish?
I do, fluent.
Mutha fucka, say some stuff.
(speaks in Spanish)
He speaks Spanish.
So I'm part white.
My mom's white. Okay.
But my dad's from Hawaii, so I'm Native Hawaiian,
Pacific Islander, Asian.
Sneaky. Yeah?
Most of the time I'm just like some unspecified other.
Okay.
What's your name?
Wyatt. Wyatt.
(laughs)
Are you mixed?
I'm Puerto Rican and I'm Trinidadian, so yeah.
Oh!
White never even crossed my mind.
I'm so glad you said that.
Your hair is beautiful.
What did you do to your earrings?
I'm wearing my Trinidadian earring.
I got it just in March when I went.
So you identify as white.
But was I wrong in saying you that you were Jewish?
So I'm half Sicilian and a quarter Latvian,
and I'm quarter, it's now Ukraine and Muldova I guess.
That side of my family is Jewish,
but I look exactly like my dad who is full blooded Sicilian.
And Sicilian's seem to differentiate
themselves from the rest of Italy.
Why is that?
I don't know.
The culture's different, they look different.
Do you want to be POC because your Sicilian?
No, no.
No, mutha fucka, but okay.
I mean I would feel like weird about it.
Do you feel tokenized and like
that you're sexier because you're ambiguous?
I wish I was more.
Some people say I have an exotic look
or like mysterious I think it's Orientalism.
Yes, mmhmm.
Yeah, so, they're all people of fucking color.
And y'all asses are liars.
That's what the fuck just happened.
(applause)
Thank you guys!