strangely and rather awkwardly it seems
that no human being can ever really grow
up sane unless it's been loved very
deeply by somebody else for a number of
years in its early life but we're still
learning what good parents might
actually be like how good were yours
here are eight principles of good
parenting that you might use to grade
them
a loving parent gets down to the child's
level at times literally dropping down
to their height when addressing them in
order to see the world through their
eyes they understand that a very young
child can't easily fit in with external
demands and that in the early days they
must be prioritized and placed at the
center of things not in order
to spoil them but in order to give them
a chance to grow loving parents
understand that their young offsprings
lives revolve around details that are by
any adult measure very minor toddlers
will feel enormous ly happy because they
can dig their nails into some putty or
have a chance to whack their spoon into
some peas with energy or say bar very
loudly and they will feel extremely sad
because pet rabbit lost one of its
buttons or a page in a favorite book now
has a tear in it the good enough parent
feels sufficiently resourceful inside
not to hold it against the child that
it's making a very big deal out of
so-called nothing it will follow the
child in its excitement over a puddle
and in its grief over an uncomfortable
sock it will understand that the child's
future ability to be considerate to
other people and to handle genuine
disasters will be critically dependent
on having had an ample fill of sympathy
for a range of age-appropriate sorrows
a loving parent will know how to put the
best possible interpretation on behavior
that might seem to others to be pretty
unfortunate the small child isn't just a
troublemaker but it has of course been
very upset by the arrival of a sibling
it isn't antisocial but it does find a
small circle of familiar people
especially soothing it isn't a nightmare
but it does surely need to go to bed
pretty soon this capacity for
imaginative kindly explanations will go
on to mold the workings of the child's
own conscience it will learn the art of
self forgiveness it won't have to
torture itself for its mistakes it won't
suffer the ravages of self-loathing or
ever when it messes up badly be tempted
to take its own life
the loving parent will feel sufficiently
sane to allow a child to be a bit weird
for a while knowing that so-called weird
is actually part of normal development
it won't get flustered that the child
has decided to pretend it's an animal or
wants to eat only red colored foods or
has an imaginary friend living in the
tree at the end of the garden the adult
will have faith in sanity emerging and
in the wisdom of exploring a lot of
possible options before choosing to
settle on reason it will be able to
remain calm over some intense Tantrums
and obsessions it won't need to shut
down irreverence at every turn it will
be patient around low moods and
unruffled by adolescents earliness if a
parent won't assign labels of a child
that might fix it in a role it was only
trying out it will be weary of telling a
child that it is the angry one the
little philosopher or even the kind one
it will allow the child the luxury of
picking its own identity
the good parent knows that children may
well cling for a long time and will
never dismiss this natural need for
reassurance in pejorative terms it won't
tell the child to buck up and be a a
good little man or a nice young lady who
can make me proud it will know that
those who end up securely attached and
able to tolerate absence are those who
were originally allowed to have as much
dependence and connection as they needed
there will be few requests to be brave
at the school gates
a good parent won't set themselves up as
an impossibly glamorous or remote figure
someone whom the child may be tempted to
idealize and ruminate over from afar
they will know how to be present and
very ordinary around the house dignified
perhaps but also on occasion bratty
forgetful silly and greedily keen to
have too much dessert the good parent
will know that parental quirks and flaws
are there to remind a child to reconcile
itself to its own humanity and also
eventually to leave home and get on with
their own lives
a good parent will know how to appear
very boring it will understand that what
a child chiefly needs is a source of
reliable calm not fireworks and
excitement it has enough of these inside
its own mind it should be there in the
same place saying more or less the same
things for decades it should take care
to be predictable and to edit out at
surprising moods the child doesn't need
a full picture of every perturbance and
temptation coursing through its carers
Minds the parent accepts that mummy or
daddy are roles not full representations
it should be the privilege of every
child not to have to know its parents in
complete detail
the good parent isn't looking for a
balanced relationship it's happy to give
unilaterally it doesn't need to be asked
how its day was or what it thinks of the
government's new policy on insurance it
knows that a child should be able to
take a parent substantially for granted
the parents reward for all their work
won't ever be direct it will arrive by
noting in many years time that their
child has just developed into a very
good parent themselves put simply love
is the considerate tender hugely patient
behavior displayed by an adult over many
years towards a child who cannot help
but be largely out of control confused
frustrating and bewildered all in order
that this child might over time grow
into an adult who can take its place in
society without too much of a loss of
spontaneity without too much terror and
with a basic trust in its own capacities
and chances of fulfillment it should be
a matter of global consternation that
despite our many advances we are still
only at the dawn of knowing how to
ensure that we all have the loving
childhoods we deserve
how to overcome your childhood is a book
that teaches us how character is
developed the concept of emotional
inheritance the formation of our
concepts of being good or bad and the
impact of parental styles of love on the
way we choose adult partners