On a normal night, the debates would be
the only news anyone would be talking about,
but since Trump became president,
there has been no normal night.
So today we're gonna be covering the debate
and we're gonna be covering the blockbuster impeachment hearing
that rocked Washington, D.C.
So first up, let's get into it.
Tonight was the fifth Democratic debate,
and it took place down in Atlanta, Georgia,
at Tyler Perry Studios,
where they film numerous movies and TV shows.
And I'll be honest, I'm just glad Joe Biden finally made it
to the right soundstage, because for a while today
he was just wandering around in the background
-(laughter) -of other movies, uh...
It was really awkward. Madea was like,
"Give me one of those famous massages while you here.
I'm tight as hell, Joe Biden."
Now, at the last debate, in October,
they had 12 Democrats crammed on stage.
Yeah, it was so tight people could barely move.
But then Spirit Airlines was like, "Hey, that's our thing!"
-(laughter) -So this time...
the Democrats scaled it back down to an even ten.
And the candidates were joined by four moderators
who, for the first time this campaign season,
were all women.
Which, personally, I didn't even notice...
-(cheering, applause) -Yeah.
It's amazing, but I...
I didn't even notice, because I don't see color.
-(laughter) -Now...
the major change, the major change from the last debate
is the rise of Pete Buttigieg, right?
Mayor of South Bend, Indiana,
and the only adult Michael Jackson would be into.
-(laughter, groans) -Over the past few weeks,
he has surged from the middle of the pack
to take the lead in Iowa and New Hampshire.
So now, between Buttigieg, Biden, Warren and Bernie,
this has become a four-way race.
And if you include Cory Booker, it's still a four-way race.
-(laughter, groans) -So...
with Buttigieg rising in the polls,
tonight the moderators asked him something
a lot of people are wondering:
Why should a teenage mayor from South Bend, Indiana,
become president of the United States?
Mayor Buttigieg,
let's talk about your record as a candidate.
Why should Democrats take the risk of betting on you?
In order to defeat this president,
we need somebody who can go toe-to-toe,
who actually comes from the kinds of communities
that he's been appealing to.
I don't talk a big game about helping the working class
while helicoptering between golf courses
with my name on them.
I don't even golf. As a matter of fact,
I never thought I'd be on a Forbes magazine list,
but, uh, they did one of all the candidates by wealth,
and I'm literally the least wealthy person on this stage.
Yeah, Pete Buttigieg may be the poorest person on that stage,
but Bernie was like, "Yes, but I look the poorest!
-(laughter) -And that should count for something!"
You know, it's actually funny how running for president
is the only time people brag
about how much money they don't have.
Right? It's like they're all Bizarro rappers, you know?
♪ Started from the bottom, never left ♪
♪ Started from the bottom, and my whole team ♪
♪ Is in the exact same place because there's been ♪
♪ No upward mobility for the last 30, 40 years ♪
♪ In this country. ♪
And I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie.
A lot of tonight's debate
sounded exactly like what we've heard in the previous four.
You know, Medicare for all versus a public option.
Pragmatism versus revolution.
Joe Biden versus his own mouth.
-(laughter) -But...
one new thing we did see tonight
were some brand-new beefs,
like Elizabeth Warren versus Cory Booker
on the wealth tax.
You know, I have proposed a two-cent wealth tax.
That is a tax for everybody who has
more than $50 billion in assets.
Your first $50 billion is free and clear,
but your $50 billionth and first dollar,
you got to pitch in two cents.
I don't agree with the wealth tax
the way that Elizabeth Warren puts it.
The top one-tenth of one percent
that I want to see pay two cents more,
they'll pay 3.2% in America.
The tax the way we're putting it forward right now,
the wealth tax, I'm sorry, it's cumbersome.
It's been tried by other nations.
Two-cent wealth tax, and we can invest
in an entire generation's future.
We Democrats also have to talk
about how to grow wealth as well.
When I stood in church recently
and asked folks, in a black church,
how many people here want to be entrepreneurs,
half the church raised their hands.
Yeah, and one guy in the back was like,
"Nigga, what's an entrepreneur?"
-(laughter) -It's French for "businessman."
"Well, I don't want to be a French businessman!
"I want to be an American businessman!
-It's got a whole lot more je ne sais quoi." -(laughter)
So there was Warren and Booker arguing about wealth tax.
Then there was a beef that really came out of nowhere.
Kamala Harris versus Tulsi Gabbard.
We have someone on this stage who is attempting to be
the Democratic nominee for President of the United States
who, during the Obama administration,
spent four years full-time on Fox News,
criticizing President Obama.
...buddied up to Steve Bannon to get a meeting
with Donald Trump in the Trump Tower.
What Senator Harris is doing
is unfortunately continuing to traffic in lies
and smears and innuendoes, because she cannot challenge
the substance of the argument that I'm making.
People, please, stop fighting.
It's not worth it.
Neither of you are gonna be president.
What are you doing?
That was the most intense argument
I've seen in Atlanta that didn't involve NeNe.
That was really intense.
I also love how they're doing it with smiles on their faces.
(chuckling): Oh, well, the thing about you
is I want to break your face.
But please, but please, don't get me wrong.
Tonight wasn't all about beefs, right?
In fact, there was one moment between the candidates
that was actually kind of sweet.
First, I just want to stick up for Tom.
We have a broken campaign finance system,
but Tom has been spending his own money
fighting climate change.
And you can't knock someone for having money
and spending it in the right way.
-It's my opinion. -(cheers and applause)
-Thanks, Andrew. -No problem.
Aw. Yang 2020.
Everyone gets a thousand dollars and a compliment.
I love it.
Like, Andrew Yang is so nice,
I bet he would have the best concession speech ever.
He'd be like, "I may not have won the presidency,
"but I won something more important: a friend.
Thank you."
Now, just like in previous debates,
one of the most awkward moments of the night
came courtesy of the original gaffe machine
when he was talking about domestic violence.
Joe Biden.
No man has a right
to raise a hand to a woman in anger
other than in self-defense
and that is rarely ever occurs.
And so we have to just change the culture, period.
And keep punching at it, and punching at it,
and punching at it.
It will be a big-- No, I really mean it.
It-It will make-- I-it's a gigantic issue.
(laughter)
What are you doing?
What are you doing, Joe?
The only way he can recover from that
is if he just starts making
bad word choices his thing, you know?
He just needs to, like, dig deeper and just be like,
"We need to get right to the heart of the drug epidemic.
"I'm saying get deep in the veins of the drug problem.
And when we do it, it's gonna feel so good."
(laughter)
So the candidates once again spent two hours tonight
trying to show voters what separated them
from the other people on the stage.
But when it came to Trump,
they were all trying to show that they were the same.
We have a president
who is not only a pathological liar,
he is likely the most corrupt president
in the modern history of America.
Read the Mueller report, all 442 pages of it,
that showed how the president tried to obstruct justice.
Sucking up to Vladimir Putin every minute of the day.
The president had to confess in writing, in court,
to illegally diverting charitable contributions
that were supposed to go to veterans.
First of all, we have a criminal living in the White House.
(gasps) A criminal in the White House.
Someone needs to tell Donald Trump.
I bet he was watching this at home terrified like,
(mimics Trump): "Oh, no, a criminal?
I hope he doesn't steal all this stuff I already stole."
(laughter)
(normal voice): But look, it was no surprise
that at a Democratic debate
they were talking impeachment tonight.
Because you see, the biggest political story today
was a blockbuster hearing in Congress
where we heard testimony from Gordon Sondland,
Trump's ambassador to the E.U.
and Homer Simpson's body double.
He's the first witness to testify
who spoke directly to President Trump
about what he wanted from Ukraine.
And today he admitted, he admitted that, yes,
Trump demanded a quid pro quo.
Specifically, if Ukraine's president got dirt on Joe Biden,
Trump would have a meeting
with Zelensky in the White House.
Which shows you how bad Trump wanted dirt on Joe Biden,
'cause usually Trump will do anything
to get out of a meeting.
Yeah. One time he even called in a bomb threat.
He was like, (mimics Trump): "Hello, White House?
"This is Mr. Al Qaeda.
"I'm calling in a bomb threat between 3:00 and 4:00 p.m.
"in the conference room,
but keep the doughnuts there, I'll eat them later."
(normal voice): And here's the thing, here's the thing,
not only did Sondland testify
that Trump ordered a quid pro quo,
he testified that basically everyone
in the administration knew about it.
Everyone. Seriously.
He threw everybody under the bus:
Mike Pompeo, Mike Pence,
Mic Mulvaney, John Bolton,
John Bolton's mustache,
even John Bolton's mustache's mustache.
But there's one man in particular
that Sondland put at the center of the whole scandal:
Rudy Giuliani.
Secretary Perry,
Ambassador Volker and I worked
with Mr. Rudy Giuliani on Ukraine matters
at the express direction
of the president of the United States.
We did not want to work with Mr. Giuliani.
We worked with Mr. Giuliani
because the president directed us to do so.
President Trump directed us to, "talk with Rudy."
Let me say again, we weren't happy
with the president's directive to talk with Rudy.
We did not want to involve Mr. Giuliani.
Oh, goddam, nobody wanted to work with Rudy Giuliani?
You know, Sondland was talking about Rudy like he was--
like that weird kid that your mom made you play with.
Remember that kid? Yeah.
And then that kid would always get you in trouble.
And you'd be like, "Mom, I didn't want to play
"with Rudy in the first place.
""You said I have to.
"Then he wanted to microwave a dead pigeon.
That's not my fault."
Like I would have loved to be a fly on the wall
when Rudy Giuliani watched that testimony.
Although if there was a fly on Rudy's wall
I'm pretty sure he'd eat it, so maybe not exactly, but...
But you know what I mean.
So, today's hearing was very bad for President Trump,
so much so that he came out of the White House
before the hearing was even over to defend himself.
And I got to say, he seemed a little shook.
Just a quick comment on what's going on
in terms of testimony with Ambassador Sondland.
And I just noticed one thing,
and I would say that means it's all over.
"What do you want from Ukraine?"
he asks me, screaming.
"What do you want from Ukraine?
"I keep hearing all these different ideas and theories.
What do you want? What do you want?"
And now here's my response...
that he gave. Just gave.
Ready? You have the cameras rolling?
"I want nothing."
That's what I want from Ukraine.
That's what I said.
"I want nothing."
(laughter)
What is... what is Trump doing?
That was one of the least presidential things
I've ever seen.
He just looked like that crazy dude in the neighborhood
who's yelling at everybody on his front lawn.
"If I find out who's been taking my newspaper,
I swear to God!"
Like, Trump is the only president
to bring down the property value around the White House.
Right? You can see. Even the white people next door
came out to see what the commotion was all about.
You can see in their faces like,
"Oh, my God, Donald is out there again.
"Like, I-I don't know.
"I miss that lovely black family who used to live here.
"This-this guy is a problem.
He-He's a problem."
(cheering and applause)
And you realize the worst part
is that Trump was reading all of that from notes.
(laughter)
Like, that wasn't Trump freestyling.
That was Trump prepared.
Now, look, I'm no trained lawyer.
I'm no trained lawyer.
But I feel like innocent people don't need notes
to remind themselves that they're innocent.
Like, you never see defendants in a courtroom like,
"Can I just say, Your Honor, I did...
not murder my wife."
(laughter)
So, look, this didn't make Trump look good or innocent.
In fact, he said the same lines
so many times in so many different ways,
it almost felt like he wasn't being presidential.
It felt like Trump was auditioning
to play the character president who is innocent.
(laughter)
Ready? You have the cameras rolling?
"What do you want from Ukraine?"
"What do you want from Ukraine?
"I keep hearing all these different ideas and theories.
What do you want? What do you want?"
"What do you want? What do you want?
I hear all these theories. What do you want?" Right?
"I want nothing." "I want nothing."
"I want nothing. I want nothing.
I want no quid pro quo."
"I want no quid pro quo."
"I want nothing. I want nothing."
"I want nothing." Thank you, folks.
(laughter and applause)
I think he nailed it, people.