In the world today
we are obsessed with unconditional love
It's what we all want and that's what we all want to be able to give,
regardless of whether or not we currently can.
But there is a form of "love" in the world today
that is quite popular,
that is in fact not love at all.
What it is,
is a poison disguised as unconditional love.
this form of love or shall I say relationship,
is "I love you, even though..."
The word "LOVE" is totally misused.
The reason is, is because in the English language,
we have one word to cover so many things.
So what we're talking about today is not actually love,
it's a form of wanting something in one capacity or another.
But, for the sake of those of you
who have interest in this subject,
before I get into the rest of what I'm about to say In this episode,
it might benefit you to watch my video that is titled:
What is Love?
Most of us at one time or another
have been on the receiving end of this type of
love / relationship, that's not really love.
That is called: "I love you even though."
If you were the scapegoat of the family,
this was the only relationship you were actually afforded.
I love you, even though you're a burden,
I love you, even though you're the main source
of the problems for the rest of us,
I love you, even though you're an addict,
I love you, even though you're difficult,
I love you, even though you're fat,
I love you, even though you're mentally ill...
and the list goes on and on.
Before today,
many of you would have received a love letter
where something like this was written:
"I love you, even though __________."
and we would have taken that as:
"Well you know I guess if they love me
even though all of those things,
then it must mean they really love me."
And you would have stuffed down
that little seed of pain that you felt at hearing those words.
I'm hoping that after you hear what I have to say today,
that sentence in a love letter makes you puke instead of smile.
Basically if you have a positive reaction to somebody saying:
"I love you even though..."
It just says how low your self-esteem really is.
It is impossible for someone to say
"I love you, even though"
without simultaneously recognizing
a part of you is completely unlovable.
This is why it is poison under the guise of unconditional love.
To say "This is unlovable and still I love you",
is "I love you despite".
It is not "I love you with that thing".
It excludes that part of you.
To give you a metaphor that will help you
to understand this type of "love"
(Because it's a Gaslight in and of itself)
it's not actually including that part of you,
it's not "I love you with", right?
So what it's like is like showing up at a house
and somebody really wants parts of you inside.
So before you come inside
you've got to go ahead and take a part of your arm off,
and maybe some of those organs that the person doesn't like off and out
and put them outside the door when you enter inside that room.
This pattern of pseudo love
sets up a completely dysfunctional type of relationship.
Now first and foremost what it does
is it puts the person doing the loving in a position of power.
It is in and of itself a narcissistic power play.
To get to be the good guy and therefore superior for loving something unlovable.
This form of pseudo loving is all about the person
doing the pseudo loving.
And it puts the person receiving the pseudo loving
in a position of being both inferior and in debt to the other person.
It pushes them into a state of forced alliance and forced a gratitude
because that person did what no one else would do:
Love them despite their defects.
This pattern graduated
can lead to an even more dysfunctional pattern,
whereby a person controls whether or not someone leaves
by degrading their self esteems to such an extent
that the person stays because they have bought into that lie.
Basically, it's the person who says:
"I love you even though,"
"And no one else will."
So you actually think
that if you leave this person
who doesn't like all of you,
you will end up completely alone.
I love you, even though
is a brilliant power play
because no one can fight it.
Because it's a Gaslight,
meaning the surface of what's being said
is completely not what's going on underneath it,
you become the asshole.
If you fight I love you, even though,
it means you're pushing away the person who loves you most.
Now here's the thing,
I know that I've set this thing up
so it's gonna be really hard for some of you to admit
the fact that you're the one who's loving someone even though,
but here's the thing, almost all of us
have someone in our lives that we are actually loving "even though".
And we have got to take a look at ourselves.
If you love someone even though,
the reality is that you in fact fully reject
an aspect or several about a person.
You don't want that part of them.
You have a negative judgement about it.
The reality is you're in a relationship with the idea of potential.
Unlike it sounds,
I love you, even though,
is only something people say when they haven't actually
accepted something about a person.
It's what people say when they're sticking with someone
through a process of inevitable change.
It's what people say when they're holding onto the idea
that someday this person is gonna change into this vision,
I know that they're capable of becoming.
To understand this dynamic completely
watch my video titled:
OVERLAY (What Prevents You >From Having a Real Relationship)
If you love someone even though,
what you have to look at
is that you actually do have an overlay.
You have a fantasy of what you want this person to be
and anytime they fall short of this character it upsets you.
And if you have bought into
a relationship with someone who loves you, even though,
you actually had to buy into this overlay too.
Meaning you had to put stock in the fact that you as the player,
could be the character that this person wants.
And you also have to feel guilty about it
anytime you fall short of this character in their overlay.
If you love someone, even though,
you have got to accept the reality of someone
here and now.
Even if it makes you really really sad.
For this reason, I want you to ask yourself a question:
"If the truth was this person would never
and I mean never,
change the thing you disliked and didn't want about them,
what then?
Would you even want a relationship with him at all?
If yes, why?
Why do you want that person to be close to you?
There are some in alignment reasons
to want somebody who you're in an "even though" relationship with
to be close to you?
And there are a lot of really out of alignment reasons to want this.
So you can understand some of these more out of alignment reasons,
to want to be close to someone that you love "even though",
I'm gonna list three of them for you here or four.
1) Out of principle such as: "Because I'm your mother."
2) In the transaction someone is getting out of the relationship
the pros still outweigh the cons.
Three you can't see yourself as good,
if you're the one that pushes them away,
so they have to do it.
4) Unconscious polarization
that causes a magnetic pull or attraction to them.
When this happens, it's because you have suppressed a part
that they are the reflection of.
It's about you, not them.
If you accepted that the thing you reject about this person
would never ever change,
how would the relationship you have to this person need to change?
Also, I want you to think about this form of love,
by seeing yourself within an analogy.
I want you to imagine that you are an item that is being sold on a shelf.
That means somebody is gonna come buy you.
You would hope that that person who comes and buys you
is the one who appreciates you the very most.
Now say that you have a color
and your color is both red and yellow.
Imagine somebody coming up and being like:
"Oh my god, I love that color red."
"Oh my god and the color yellow."
"It's amazing!"
Would you rather have that person pick you up or this person...
Who says:
"Well, I really like the red color even though there's yellow."
Also, you got a thing about this...
If you are the person who is in a relationship
with someone "even though",
you may in fact not be the good guy,
because you're probably preventing that person
from finding someone who loves the red and the yellow.
To stick with this metaphor,
if it's hard to believe that someone could love your yellow,
the reason you feel that way
is because you were led to believe that parts about you are unlovable
by someone and therefore will be unloved by everyone.
You see parts of you as flawed.
And you do not think those flaws can be loved.
If you struggle with this,
you would benefit by watching my video titled:
How To Find Your Excellence
(The Recognition of Excellence is 100% Dependent Upon Desire)
As people, we're the "bad guy" if we can't love.
Because for centuries love has been this...
Let's call it the apex of morality.
It's been the apex of us being able to see ourselves as good.
So to look at somebody and say:
"God! I fucking hate that about you."
it makes us the bad guy, right?
Most people are unwilling to do this.
And so, we play the good guy.
And the way we do this is pretty insidious.
When we dislike something about somebody,
we lead them to believe that it's not us that would dislike that,
EVERYONE would dislike that.
It's actually better to say:
"I love this about you, and I really dislike this about you."
than it is to say:
"I love you, even though."
Because it's less of a Gaslight.
I Love you, even though,
is a gaslight of love in order to not have to see yourself.
It's actually a form of passive aggression.
A lot of people feel so guilty and so shameful
for not loving things about a person
or not loving a person in their entirety,
that the way that we experience our goodness again, is to say:
"I love them even though."
To resolve this issue
you have to actually face the parts of a person
that you don't like and are resistant to.
What do you do with the things that you really dislike about someone?
Do you sweep it under the carpet?
And pretend it doesn't exist and get upset only when it shows up again?
Do you consciously try to fix them so the person is different?
Do you hold on to the hope for a miracle
that one day something will simply change?
If someone is hurting you,
directly address them with how it's hurting you,
rather than making it about what's wrong with them in general.
And especially,
don't fall into the trap
of helping someone
so as to try to fix them
into someone you actually want them to be
or know that they're capable of being.
By the way,
it can be a real talent to see someone's potential,
but you have to be aware
that the potential that you're seeing in somebody else
may just be your own overlay.
It may not actually be what that other person wants to become
or what the universe has it in mind for that person to become.
If you really face the resistance that you have
to a part of somebody that you dislike,
one of two things happens:
Either you discover that your resistance
is really something that's out of alignment about you.
It's not even out of alignment in the other person.
Or you discover a solid boundary
(that is a personal truth),
that makes it so that you have to make a change to the relationship externally.
You'll have to do something about it.
And that something is not flipping the power
so that the other person feels lucky to be loved "even though".
What we are terrified about
is that if we face I mean directly face,
the things in a person that we can't stand,
either we will find something in ourselves
that's out of alignment and therefore have to change,
or we will have to see
that there's some form of incompatibility in the relationship
that for whatever reason we are really wanting to maintain.
To understand about compatibility in relationships
watch my video titled:
Incompatibility (A Harsh Reality in Relationships)
In order to actually love
and especially in order to genuinely unconditionally love,
we must stop falling for the disguise of unconditional love.
We have to stop gas-lighting each other with a facade of love.
We also have to be in a relationship
with who someone actually is,
instead of in a relationship with an overlay
of who we want somebody to be
and are trying to convince ourselves that they are.
We have to see "I love you, even though"
as the poison that it is
and stop feeding this poison to each other.
Have a good week.