- So the woman administering our drug test
is really intense, right?
- Yes.
- So intense.
I've never had to give someone so much of my own pee before.
Usually I'm the one receiving the pee.
- Hey, where did you find this lady anyway?
And why is she like, wet?
- 'Cause I blacked out at a bar and fell asleep
on my dewy dewy lawn,
Virgin.
I'm drug administrator
and ex detective Sarah Christ.
But don't be fooled by the name.
I'm no Saint, but I have been through hell
testing your pisses for drugs.
And ding ding, results are in.
We're doing this live,
right here, right now.
Courtney Miller,
get up.
(dramatic anticipative music)
Sit. - Okay.
(dramatic anticipative music)
No drugs in your system.
- Great, thanks.
- Hold it.
Your drug use is the least interesting thing
that I gathered.
You lost your last baby tooth
at age 16, didn't you?
- How did you know that?
- It's in your piss.
- Oh, you got that from a drug test?
- I don't test your piss.
I interrogate it.
It's locked with me in a room
for 12 hours as I push it till it (beep) breaks.
And here's what your piss told me.
You're a great singer.
You belt in the shower
and your neighbors love it?
Your ears are too sensitive
for Fast and the Furious movies.
But you tell people you like 'em anyways
because you're a liar.
And that mole on your left elbow,
get it looked at.
- Oh, did the pee tell you that it's malignant?
- No, it told me it's a milk dud.
- Has this been on me my whole life?
- You're finished, sit down!
- I don't wanna hold my pee anymore.
- I've been holding your pisses
for weeks in my SUV.
You have no idea what it's like to take a quick turn
and have that stuff spill everywhere.
- How'd you get it back into the containers?
- I scooped it.
- Where did you come from?
- Rock bottom.
Shame top. What?
Let's go Virgo Rising Pisces Moon.
Oh, Mr. I'm scared of birds
because I love them too much.
You're the kind of guy who asks
for a doggy bag at a restaurant,
packs everything up
and then leaves it on the table.
- No.
- Your credit is excellent.
You say the word crayon wrong.
- There's no way you possibly coulda found-
- Say it.
- Cran.
- Bullseye.
- Sit down.
Just so you know,
I, I, I always mean to take the dog in
but- - You think I care?
Sit, hold your piss.
(phone alarm beeping)
Oh, I, I gotta take this.
It's my ex.
- Is your ring tone the Amber alert sound?
- Kevin? What?
What? Wait a second.
Hang on. Hang on.
You can't do this.
No, you can't take her away from me.
Kevin, she's the only thing keeping me going
right now, okay?
Don't hang up.
(sad dramatic music)
I just lost custody of my boat.
God damn it.
(cans crashing)
Sorry. I'm having a day.
(beep) I'm having a life.
Who's I on?
Oh right, Ian Heacocks.
- Oh, frick.
Ow,
lady, come on.
- You are deeply sad.
- Actually, lately I've been feeling pretty good.
- Oh, sorry.
I was thinking about my own piss.
I hate going there.
It is a dark, dark place,
filled with pictures of missing women.
Okay, let's find yours.
Got it.
There you are.
Couldn't find much on your past,
just on your future.
And in 50 years,
you're gonna die in a train.
The autopsy's gonna rule that you choked
on a gummy worm and people are gonna suspect foul play
but the truth is,
you just choked on a gummy worm.
Such a shame, but until then no drugs.
- Look that can't be true.
I don't eat gummy worms
and I definitely don't ride trains.
Why should I trust the piss?
I would trust the piss over a man any day.
- Same.
- It has no reason to lie.
Also, yeah, your piss was right,
you are rude.
Good luck dying.
Sit down.
- So I guess we're all clean?
- Yeah, thanks for your help.
I'm sure the told you where the exit is, so...
- Oh, I'm not done.
When you hire Sarah Christ,
you hire me for life.
You might not see me.
You might not hear me,
but somewhere, somehow,
I'm testing all your pisses for druggess.
All your pisses.
- Cran.
- Wrong. - Incorrect.
- Come on.
(food being tossed around)