So if you know my story,
I've been married to the same woman
twice.
We got married young, divorced
young, and 23 years later
we got back together,
and it's a beautiful love story,
but we have two anniversaries now.
(audience laughing)
She wants to celebrate both.
(audience laughing)
You know what men,
there's a gift chart
for anniversaries?
Did you know that, sir?
There's a gift chart.
Even if you don't think you know it,
you know it,
because the big ones.
Silver anniversary is 25,
50 is golden.
But they have something
for every year.
First year is paper.
Right there, they got it wrong.
First year, should be golden,
we still like each other.
(audience laughing)
50th should be paper.
You just write a note, "we made it."
(audience laughing)
They have a gift for every year.
Who came up with this gift chart?
No straight man wrote that gift chart.
(audience laughing)
If it was a straight man,
it was an old school Mormon.
(audience laughing)
Back when they had multiple wives,
(audience laughing)
and wives arguing.
"Well, how come she got a better
"gift?"
Well, she's been here longer, Sarah.
(audience laughing)
Thought I would try that one
on the Dry Bar.
(audience laughing)
We've been back together five years.
If we had never divorced,
we'd been together 37 years.
She wants to celebrate both.
(audience clapping)
Five years is wool.
37 years is not just china,
it's bone china.
I can afford wool,
I don't know about that bone china.
So I compromise.
That's the key
to any successful marriage
is compromise.
That got her a wool sweater made
in China.
(audience laughing)
Ladies, we get it.
You're smarter than us.
Clap if you agree, men.
The ladies, they have intuition
that we don't have.
Clapping, proving my point.
(audience clapping)
The three guys without a date,
none of them clapped.
All right.
Gruesome murder.
(audience laughing)
I think all the men would agree.
All we ask
is let us be right every once
in a while.
Wouldn't you be happy?
Just win one a year.
Don't let us be right when you know
we're wrong.
We're turning left,
you know we should go right.
And you're like, "go ahead, Columbus."
(audience laughing)
I almost got shot from not
listening to my wife.
Not by her, she's Puerto Rican.
She would have cut me.
(audience laughing)
I was performing at a prison
in California,
I go do prison ministry,
and the number one rule is,
your attire.
And above all you cannot wear
blue jeans.
Inmates wear blue jeans.
So I'm getting dressed early
in the morning, and my wife says,
"Why are you wearing blue jeans."
I said, They're black.
She said, "They're blue."
I said, They're black.
She said, "Go ahead."
(audience laughing)
I show up at the prison
and the correctional officer
looks me up and down, and says,
"Can I help you?"
I say, Yeah, I'm here
for the morning chapel.
I'm the comedian for today.
She said, "Oh, not today.
"You're wearing blue jeans."
And in that light
I could see my jeans were blue.
The prison is 5 minutes from Costco,
I've got 30 minutes to go to Costco,
buy a pair of black pants,
get back, processed into the prison.
The parking lot is about four blocks
away.
I've got 30 minutes, so I take off
running.
By the way, if you're leaving
a prison wearing blue jeans?
(audience laughing)
Do not run.
(audience laughing)
And that's what I heard
from the guard tower, "Do not run."
I assumed he was talking to somebody
on the other side of the fence,
so I kept running,
and the next thing I heard was,
"If you continue to run,
"we will be forced to shoot."
And that will stop anybody
in their tracks.
I looked up and said, Me?
he goes, "Yes, you.
"In the blue jeans.
(audience laughing)
"You should listen to your wife."
(audience laughing)
I think every man, if you want
a happy marriage, you should get
a good Forrest Gump impression.
It'll end every argument.
You guys are going at it,
and just look at her and go,
"Wow, I'm not a smart man, Jenny."
(audience laughing)
Fight's over.
(audience laughing)
Thank you, beautiful audience.
You could shoot a Hallmark movie
with this audience.
(audience laughing)
Just enough diversity, a bunch
of nice white people
and enough likeable minorities.
It's a Hallmark set.
(audience laughing)
You watch the Hallmark movie, sir?
You watch the Hallmark?
My wife had me watch a Hallmark
for Christmas.
"Sit down and watch a movie with me."
And I sat down, fell asleep
on the Hallmark, woke up,
I had menopause.
(audience laughing)
We went through the craziest time
of our lives.
We survived.
If you're here, you survived.
And we did things the last couple
of years we will never do again.
I'll never forget
when the pandemic hit,
it was right before Easter.
My pastor sent out an email,
because in California, they closed
the churches.
He said, "we're doing Easter online.
"And for communion,
"we're going to use whatever
"you have at home."
(audience laughing)
I don't think I'll ever take
communion again
from a NyQuil shot glass,
(audience laughing)
with prune juice and a Flaming Hot
Cheeto for the body.
(audience laughing)
First year, right before Christmas,
the week of Christmas,
my son lost a tooth,
and he asked me,
"Dad, will the tooth fairy and Santa
"show up the week of Christmas?"
I said, Son, you're 27.
(audience laughing)
Start flossing and stop calling me,
all right?
(audience laughing)
So if you know my story.
I've been married to the same woman
twice.
We got married young, divorced
young, and 23 years later
we got back together,
and it's a beautiful love story,
but we have two anniversaries now.
(audience laughing)
She wants to celebrate both.
(audience laughing)
You know what men,
there's a gift chart
for anniversaries?
Did you know that, sir?
There's a gift chart.
Even if you don't think you know it,
you know it,
because the big ones.
Silver anniversary is 25,
50 is golden.
But they have something
for every year.
First year is paper.
Right there, they got it wrong.
First year, should be golden,
we still like each other.
(audience laughing)
50th should be paper.
You just write a note, "we made it."
(audience laughing)
They have a gift for every year.
Who came up with this gift chart?
No straight man wrote that gift chart.
(audience laughing)
If it was a straight man,
it was an old school Mormon.
(audience laughing)
Back when they had multiple wives,
(audience laughing)
and wives arguing.
"Well, how come she got a better
"gift?"
Well, she's been here longer, Sarah.
(audience laughing)
Thought I would try that one
on the Dry Bar.
(audience laughing)
We've been back together five years.
If we had never divorced,
we'd been together 37 years.
She wants to celebrate both.
(audience clapping)
Five years is wool.
37 years is not just china,
it's bone china.
I can afford wool,
I don't know about that bone china.
So I compromise.
That's the key
to any successful marriage
is compromise.
That got her a wool sweater made
in China.
(audience laughing)
Ladies, we get it.
You're smarter than us.
Clap if you agree, men.
The ladies, they have intuition
that we don't have.
Clapping, proving my point.
(audience clapping)
The three guys without a date,
none of them clapped.
All right.
Gruesome murder.
(audience laughing)
I think all the men would agree.
All we ask
is let us be right every once
in a while.
Wouldn't you be happy?
Just win one a year.
Don't let us be right when you know
we're wrong.
We're turning left,
you know we should go right.
And you're like, "go ahead, Columbus."
(audience laughing)
I almost got shot from not
listening to my wife.
Not by her, she's Puerto Rican.
She would have cut me.
(audience laughing)
I was performing at a prison
in California,
I go do prison ministry,
and the number one rule is,
your attire.
And above all you cannot wear
blue jeans.
Inmates wear blue jeans.
So I'm getting dressed early
in the morning, and my wife says,
"Why are you wearing blue jeans."
I said, They're black.
She said, "They're blue."
I said, They're black.
She said, "Go ahead."
(audience laughing)
I show up at the prison
and the correctional officer
looks me up and down, and says,
"Can I help you?"
I say, Yeah, I'm here
for the morning chapel.
I'm the comedian for today.
She said, "Oh, not today.
"You're wearing blue jeans."
And in that light
I could see my jeans were blue.
The prison is 5 minutes from Costco,
I've got 30 minutes to go to Costco,
buy a pair of black pants,
get back, processed into the prison.
The parking lot is about four blocks
away.
I've got 30 minutes, so I take off
running.
By the way, if you're leaving
a prison wearing blue jeans?
(audience laughing)
Do not run.
(audience laughing)
And that's what I heard
from the guard tower, "Do not run."
I assumed he was talking to somebody
on the other side of the fence,
so I kept running,
and the next thing I heard was,
"If you continue to run,
"we will be forced to shoot."
And that will stop anybody
in their tracks.
I looked up and said, Me?
he goes, "Yes, you.
"In the blue jeans.
(audience laughing)
"You should listen to your wife."
(audience laughing)
I think every man, if you want
a happy marriage, you should get
a good Forrest Gump impression.
It'll end every argument.
You guys are going at it,
and just look at her and go,
"Wow, I'm not a smart man, Jenny."
(audience laughing)
Fight's over.
(audience laughing)
So I have kids at home, still.
I'm too old to be dealing with this.
I have a teenager who thinks
he's smarter than me.
Anybody dealing with that?
Teenagers who think they're smarter
than you?
The fact that he's smarter than me
doesn't bother me,
but that he thinks he's
smarter than me is what irritates me.
(audience laughing)
He thinks he has more street cred
than me.
I'm from Berkeley and Oakland,
California.
I'm a Desert Storm combat veteran.
I've been shot at-- not in Desert
Storm, in Oakland.
I've been shot--
(audience laughing)
And I feel like I'm getting
Punk'D in my own house every day.
And it's subtle.
Like early December,
I'm sitting at my desk,
my son comes into my room
and he fakes being humble.
How do you fake humility?
Has a little piece of paper
in his hand, and as he approaches me
he puts his head down
and he says, "Dad?
"This is all I want for Christmas."
I take that piece of paper
and as I unfold it, it was a full sheet
of paper.
The boy listed 10 video games.
Those are 70 bucks a piece.
I reached over on my desk,
I got his report card,
and I folded it as small as I could,
said, "You should read this, son."
The boy had a D in English.
That's the only language he speaks.
(audience laughing)
How did you almost flunk talking?
(audience laughing)
My daughter, first special I talked
about her not dating.
Well, she went to college,
and she came home
when the pandemic hit
and one of her high school
friends has been upgraded
to boyfriend.
And what's freaking me out is,
I like him.
(audience laughing)
My only problem is, I can't remember
his name.
He's got the most hardcore Latino
name I've ever heard.
His parents are from Peru,
and the only way I can remember
this Peruvian young man's name
is to think of a Japanese tourist
saying hello in English.
"Hi-ro."
(audience laughing)
That's his name, Jairo.
J-A-I-R-O. And that's the only way I
remember him when he comes
to the front door.
Japanese tourist, "hi-ro."
(audience laughing)
He's romantic, he's freaking me out.
He showed up at my house the week
of Thanksgiving, he showed up
with the picnic basket and a bouquet
of flowers.
I said, "Jairo, what are you doing?"
He said, I bought her flowers.
I said, "I can see that.
"Now I need to go buy my wife
"flowers."
I didn't let him in the house,
I said, "Goodbye, Jairo."
(audience laughing)
My daughter thinks that was racist.
She said, "You've insulted all
"of Japan
"and Peru."
I said, I did not insult Japan
or Peru, I insulted Jairo.
(audience laughing)
Under 35, make some noise.
If you're not 35 yet,
make some noise.
Clap your hands if you're not 35.
(audience clapping)
All right.
Congratulations, you're
part of the stupidest generation
in the--
(audience laughing)
My daughter says, "You can't say
"that, Dad.
"We're very smart.
"Look at the technology."
I said, You guys don't even know
which bathroom to use.
(audience laughing)
You're going to get canceled.
I say, "Who going to cancel me?
"I never subscribed.
"You have to subscribe to get
"canceled."
(audience laughing)
I've got grandkids now, man.
Six grandkids, two granddaughters,
and they're the princesses,
they're the oldest and the youngest.
But in the middle, four grandsons.
Nico, Nolan, Sebastian, and Ace.
Ace.
I am the grandson of Sixto Sanchez
and Fulgencio Giajola.
Those are my two grandfathers, Sixto
and Fulgencio.
And my grandsons are Nico, Nolan,
Sebastian, and Ace.
(audience laughing)
We went from vine ripened to store
bought salsa in two generations.
(audience laughing)
But at home, a lot man.
We've been doing shows online.
I'm sick of social media.
My number one pet peeve
with social media is when people put
status like, "Am I the only one?"
You ever see anybody like that?
"Am I the only one that thinks tacos
"are better than burgers?"
Stupid status like that.
There's almost 8 billion people
on Earth.
I don't care what you think,
you're not the only one.
If you feel sorry for albinos
because they're
white without the privilege,
and Black without the cool,
you're not the only one.
(audience cheering)
If you thought the Beatles had a hit
song name "Hey, Dude," you're not
the only one.
(audience laughing)
If you think Chuck E. Cheese is
a gateway to future gambling
problems, you're not the only one.
(audience laughing)
If you noticed that Barbara Bush
and the Quaker oats man
never went to the same party?
You're not the only one.
(audience laughing)
If you think Rosie O'Donnell is
the most beautiful woman
in the world, OK, you're
the only one, right.
(audience laughing)
I didn't watch a lot
of the Olympics, but the one day
that I did catch it, the Summer
Olympics.
I was falling asleep to the TV
and the Olympics came on,
and I woke up and they had the speed
walking on.
The worst sport ever.
The rules are for speed walking,
one foot must be on contact
with the ground at all times.
So you see them going like this,
their feet.
And then the announcer said,
and this really caught my attention.
"Mexico has won the most
"Olympic medals in any country
"in speed walking."
And the light bulb went on.
All these years that I thought I
had a sensitive stomach when I eat
my people's food.
(audience laughing)
I don't have a sensitive stomach.
I am a speed walker.
(audience laughing)
Chili's too hot,
a little while later, I'm up really fast.
(audience laughing)
You know the speed walkers?
So I love doing comedy.
During the last couple of years
I had three near-death experiences,
so getting back out
with live audiences,
and being able to make people laugh
is a big joy of mine.
First near-death experience
was because I'm cheap.
I had to get to Las Vegas,
evening show.
I could have caught an afternoon
flight, but I caught the 6:00 AM
flight because it was $200 cheaper.
I'm barely got any sleep,
I make it to the airport,
I'm on the flight,
I'm half asleep when we're taking off.
I'm one of those guys
that, I don't care how
cheap the flight was, if I don't get
my free drink, and my free snack,
I feel like I got ripped off.
Anybody else like that?
(audience laughing)
We're in the air
halfway between Oakland, California
and Las Vegas,
and I hear the snack cart going
by as I'm half asleep,
and I'm like, hey peanuts.
Can I get this Coke and some peanuts?
And I got my little snack,
and I was so tired.
I didn't eat a couple of peanuts
at a time, I poured the bag
into my mouth, and one went right
down my windpipe.
Halfway between Las Vegas
and Oakland, I'm choking,
and the flight attendant, a very
nice, flamboyant man,
came running down the aisle.
"Oh my goodness, he's choking
"on peanuts."
(audience laughing)
I gave myself the Heimlich right
there.
(audience laughing)
Spit that peanut out, and I was
like, "Sir, it's peanuts.
"One S, not a lot of S's, sir."
(audience laughing)
Death scare number two,
was again my fault.
I thought I was having a heart
attack.
Turned out it was gas.
(audience laughing)
If you've ever had gas caught
in your ribs near your heart,
it'll make you think you're having
a heart attack.
Now having trouble in a deep breath,
and I told my wife, I can't take
a deep breath.
She said, "Heart attack."
So we're driving to the hospital,
and I was trying to make myself
relax, and I was playing with my--
I had a brand new iPhone,
and my text notification, I never
forget, was bamboo.
Bamboo text notification sounds
like this.
(click)
Which is irritating me
because if somebody smacked
their lips,
I would look at my phone thinking I
had a text, and there was nothing
there.
Now I'm a church boy,
but I don't like churchy people.
But I did something very churchy.
I changed from bamboo to trumpets.
(trumpet sound)
(audience laughing)
Get to the hospital,
as soon as you say chest pains,
they take you to the front
of the line, put you in a gurney,
they wired me up for an EKG,
and they didn't let my wife in
because of the pandemic.
So she's sitting in the parking lot,
and they gave me some medicine
to help me relax.
And I'm dozing off,
and about two hours in my wife
sends me a text to see how I'm
doing.
So I'm half asleep, thinking
I'm having a heart attack,
and I hear
(trumpet sounds)
"Oh, no, I didn't make it!"
(audience laughing)
I opened my eyes, and there was two
Filipino nurses there.
But the one nurse said, "Are we
"taking him to the carjack unit?"
I said, I did not get carjacked.
And they're like, "Calm down, sir,
"we're taking you to the carjack
"unit."
Then I realized she was saying
cardiac.
(audience laughing)
They had to put the little oxygen
sensor on my finger, when they did
just stick it out my finger,
and it kind of pulled my finger,
and I farted.
(audience laughing)
And the pain was gone.
(audience laughing)
I wish that was a joke.
(audience laughing)
Death scare number three was
the scariest one of all.
I'm not making fun of cancer.
My wife is a five time cancer
survivor.
I'm not making fun of breast cancer
because she has survived breast
cancer.
But men, did you
know we can get breast cancer?
Yes, men can get breast cancer.
And I found out one day when I'm
in the shower, and I feel a lump
on the right side of my chest.
And I get out of the shower,
and I go, Sweetheart, I have a lump
on my chest.
And she examines me she goes,
"you have a lump on your chest."
And I said, I know.
That's why I said I have a lump
on my chest.
(audience laughing)
"You should call your doctor."
So I call my doctor and the next day
they see me, and the doctor examines
me, he goes, "You have a lump
"on your chest."
I said, I know, that's why I told
my wife and she made me call you,
because I said I have
a lump on my chest.
(audience laughing)
If I live to be 100 years old,
I would bet every dollar I ever made
that I would not
go through this next ordeal,
because he scheduled what he called
an X-ray.
The next thing you know,
I'm in the mammogram department.
(audience laughing)
Now I have a lot of respect
for women.
Never more than now,
because that experience is painful
no matter what size you are.
(audience laughing)
By the way, I'm an A cup.
(audience laughing)
I found out.
(audience laughing)
A couple of days later, the doctor
calls me and says, "Come in, we
"have some good news
"and some bad news."
He goes, "Good news, you're not
"developing breast cancer.
"The bad news, you're developing
"a breast."
Singular, one.
Which really freaked my wife out,
because she has OCD and everything
needs to match.
(audience laughing)
OCD, you know what I'm talking
about.
(audience laughing)
But the doctor had told me to bring
in my prescription,
so I bring in my prescription,
and he says, "Oh, this is a side
"effect to your blood pressure
"medicine.
"One in a million men
"will develop male breast growth.
"You're it."
I'm looking at the bottle, I go,
Hold up.
It says upset stomach, headache.
Nowhere on here does it say
and you might grow a chi-chi.
(audience laughing)
His treatment plan was
the funniest part of all,
because he said, "OK,
"so you could keep taking
"the medicine, or you can stop.
(audience laughing)
"If you stop, it'll go away,
"and we'll give you
"a different medicine."
And of course I stopped, and it went
away, and honestly I miss her.
(audience laughing)
I love the diversity here.
I go to a big church in Fairfield,
California, we're a very diverse
church.
And if you're not
comfortable with a church like that,
don't worry about heaven.
You're not going.
(audience laughing)
No, that's what heaven's
going to be like,
all of God's children
around the throne, speaking Spanish.
It's going to be beautiful.
(audience laughing)
Come on, he named his son Jesus,
that was in the book.
(audience laughing)
He didn't name him Jeffrey,
he didn't name him Jamil,
he named him Jesus.
(audience laughing)
Oh, those are a lot of Latinos
in the Bible.
They don't teach this most Sundays.
You got to read between the lines.
(audience laughing)
Moses was very Mexican.
Who else get a bunch of people
across the river
to the promised land?
That's--
(audience laughing)
that's my people.
(audience laughing)
We've been doing this for
thousands of years.
(audience laughing)
We're not undocumented,
we're traditionalist.
(audience laughing)
King David.
Mexican.
Only a five foot Mexican can look
at a nine foot giant and go,
I could take him.
(audience laughing)
Abraham, father Abraham.
Mexican.
Well, he was 100 when his old lady
got pregnant, come on.
(audience laughing)
Don't get churchy,
that's in the Old Testament,
all right?
I didn't make that up.
OK.
(audience laughing)
And some people think Noah could
have been Mexican.
Noah was not Mexican.
That story would have ended
tragically different.
If Noah had been Mexican,
because taking care of animals,
that's a gift the Lord gave
our white brothers and sisters.
(audience laughing)
White folks, you could find
a stray pit bull.
That night, he will have a bath
and be in your bed.
You're safe now.
(audience laughing)
If Noah had been Mexican,
when the rain ended,
the ark would open up,
Noah steps off
with some leather boots.
(audience laughing)
The Lord is like, "Noah, where are
"the cows?"
Would you like a taco?
(audience laughing)
This is the gift the good Lord gave me.
Telling jokes.
I went to Bible school
for five years, and I'm still
three years away from an associate's
degree.
(audience laughing)
This is what I got, jokes.
You see some of those preachers
on TV, they're so anointed when they
pray for people,
the people fall out.
I didn't get that one.
I got jokes.
And I understand why,
but because the sense of humor
the Lord gave me, if he put
that kind of anointing on my life,
I would abuse it.
(audience laughing)
I go to the movies,
and there's a big head person
in front of me.
(audience laughing)
(smacking sound)
(audience laughing)
I go to the post office,
and there's a long line.
I'd be like, oh, we're about to have
revival up in here.
(smacking sounds)
I'm in front.