Allie: You doing okay?
-Yeah, I'm okay. -Jump in and talk?
Yeah, absolutely.
[ Dogs barking ]
Obviously, you need to wait for there to be
the bed available at the facility.
Yeah. I don't wanna be sick the next couple of days,
you know, until I go in there, that is.
I hate that, you know, 'cause especially withdrawing,
on top of already having like other physical pain,
it's like, you know, it's gnarly.
Have you ever overdosed?
Yeah, multiple times.
Some of -- Most of them all were like suicide attempts.
[ Sniffle ]
How many times did that happen?
I've overdosed like four or five times
and, intentionally, three.
[ Eerie music plays ]
♪♪
Do you think your mom has a lot to do
with your addiction?
Yeah, I do.
She just is the person that knows
how to push every single button
and make me feel like useless
[crying] and like second, you know?
It's like when my mom is normal, she's like Supermom.
She's like a cheerleading coach, a cook,
and it's like I idolized her.
And then she would become this fucking monster, man.
But I remember like the moment like
it [snaps fingers] switched, like the moment like
it like hardened me, like so clearly in my head.
I was, I think, only like 12 or 11 or close to 13.
It was when she was drinking all the time, and -- [sniffle]
[ Cry-laughs ]
♪♪
[ Sniffle ]
♪♪
Sorry, dude. [chuckle] -It's okay.
And I was like hysterically crying
and like just the look of like disgust in her face.
-Yeah. And she goes, "Ugh!
What the fuck are you crying about?"
And as soon as she said that, it was like
a [snaps fingers] switch went off in my head and I just --
[snaps fingers] All the tears stopped and I looked her
right in her face and like, "I'm not crying
about shit anymore." Like it just
-Yeah. -hardened that, you know?
[crying] Like freaks me out.
[sniffle] I'm sorry.
No.
Like I don't like my mom. I'm not. [scoff]
Whe...n I was little, I lived with her
in Orlando, actually. -Yeah.
And I went to Disney with like --
It was like my dad's ex-girlfriend.
She took me up there without my mom
and, you know, I had a great time!
I was like seven.
Like I had like Mickey ears on and I'm like
-Yeah, doing the whole thing. -telling my mom
-Yeah, man. -all about this trip.
Like I had so much fun. -Yeah.
And I came home and I opened the door
and my apartment we lived in
was cleared out. -Oh, man.
My mom packed while I was away and moved.
-Are you fucking serious, dude? -And the girl that took me
didn't even know that my mom was leaving.
Like no one knew what the fuck to do.
♪♪
But I remember seeing beer bottles
in all of the trash cans, and I remember thinking,
"Oh, I should move junk again,"
and then I started living with my dad.
But I've always forgiven her a little bit,
you know? Like. -Yeah, 'cause it's your mom.
-It's my mom. -"I grew inside of you."
-Right. Like, -Like it's a different
-"Don't you love me? -connection.
Like you love me, right?"
Like I don't know. -Right, it's like,
"I understand that you're fucked up and you have an issue,
but how can you just abandon your fucking kids?"
Right.
[crying] That's fucking heavy, man.
Do you want a tissue?
-Man, I'm sorry. -No, you're good.
I cry every day.
-[Laughs] -Are you kidding me?
[ Laughter ]
I really do.
♪♪
The ones that have the toughest time
getting sober are the victims.
Bye. Thank you for everything.
That's what I think her biggest obstacle
is going to be in the future.
She has to become a survivor.
Everything that's the past,
not a victim to her circumstance.