-It is great to see you. You look fantastic.
-I know, right? [ Laughter ]
-It's been a while -- -You know what it is?
-What? -I've been eating vegetables
with every meal and lipo. -Oh, my God.
Wow. That is perfect. -Yeah, it's that combination.
-I haven't seen you --
Maybe a couple little events here and there.
-Yeah. -But I tell you what --
I see you in the movies. I see you on TV.
-Yeah. -I see you're doing commercials.
-That's right, that's right. You know, I'm friends with
Jennifer Lawrence, and she is the face of Dior.
And I am the body of mayo.
[ Laughter ]
-Wow.
-Did you know that? -Yes, I did. I saw that.
-I was in a mayonnaise commercial.
-You were in a mayonnaise commercial.
-A mayonnaise commercial.
I feel like my favorite thing is
picturing the marketing meeting where they were like,
"Who looks like they eat mayo? Who? Who?"
[ Laughter ]
Somebody was like, "Schumer!" And they go, "Yes, every meal.
Okay, let's get her on the horn."
[ Laughter ] You know?
-It was very funny. I did get to see that.
But that's not the only company you work with, right?
-Oh, no. No.
I work with only the sexiest brands.
-Yeah.
-I am the official vagina of Tampax.
[ Laughter ]
-That's an honor. Congratulations.
-I'm sorry that you missed out.
I know you were in the running.
[ Laughter ]
I'm the face of -- -Congratulations.
-Yeah, they searched far and wide for the perfect --
the vagina they wanted to represent their brand.
-Wow.
-And do you know what my favorite thing is about that?
'Cause I really am a spokesperson for them.
In between the time I signed on with them,
I had a hysterectomy, which, if you don't know,
that's when you get your uterus taken out.
-Yeah, that's right. -And look, I'm no doctor.
-No.
-But when you don't have a uterus,
do you know what you don't get anymore?
-Periods. -Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.
-All right, there you are. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, yeah.
Wow. -Yeah.
I know they wanted to fire me, but yeah.
Of course. "Of course I want you to stay on.
Of course, even though you don't get the thing that..."
-Yeah, you're spokesperson, yeah.
-Yeah. -Congratulations.
-Yeah. Very sexy. -It's an honor.
-If you have a sexual product...
[ Laughter ] -Talk to Amy Schumer.
-Mayo and tampons. -You know, I do want to
applaud you because over the past few years,
you've been very open about health issues that you've had.
-Thank you. Yes.
I feel like it's really important.
People don't really speak, especially women.
I have endometriosis, which 10% of women have,
but, like, you know, it's so undiagnosed.
And when I was pregnant, I had something called hyperemesis,
which means you're violently ill through your whole pregnancy.
And, you know, Kate Middleton had it.
Cindy Crawford had it.
So it was like, "Let me guess." [ Laughter ]
Of course I'm next because I'm like them, you know?
Visually. I'm like them visually.
-Yes, visually, of course.
I think it's good that you're doing it.
-Yeah. -I think it's helpful to get it
out there and get the conversation going and talking.
-Share what's going on, you know?
And I was so happy to be diagnosed
because I was like, "Okay, great. What do we do?"
You know? Now we know what it was, what do people do?
And they said, "Oh, well, we haven't been able to study it
because it only happens to women."
[ Laughter ]
"And we really only focus on male medicine. You know?
But if your husband wants, we have a chewable Viagra."
[ Laughter ]
Okay? That's a real product.
-We figured that out. -It's real.
-That was the problem with Viagra.
-Because sometimes it's scary to take a pill, right?
It's scary. -Yeah, it's a little scary.
-What if it gets stuck? [ Laughter ]
"I don't want it." -Let's make it chewable.
Let's get the scientists working on --
-A chewable one. Yeah.
-Let's get the doctors working on it.
-Around the clock, Johns Hopkins,
a lot of white coats. -Yeah.
-But what about my endometri-- "No, we're sorry.
We're really sorry." Yeah. -"We'll figure that out
some other year." -Yeah, some other time.
-I will say you have a beautiful, beautiful boy.
What is he -- What is the baby into?
What is he into right now?
-He loves trucks, of course. -Yeah.
-Which is such a convenient thing.
You know, if your kid loves dinosaurs --
I just take him outside in New York City.
I'm like, "Here's your Disney." You know?
There's cars all over. [ Laughter ]
-Trucks, everything, yeah.
-My husband and I, we read to him
at night because we're heroes. [ Laughter ]
And just really beautiful people.
-Yeah, please sit down. Please sit down, everyone.
-Thank you so much. -Yeah, thank you.
-I'm doing God's work. -We'll add applause later.
-Just like a really big -- -A big, thunderous applause.
-Maybe some footage of the standing ovation.
-What are you reading? -I have such a bad habit.
Well, we love your book, of course.
-Thank you. -But I keep doing this thing
where if there's even like a slightly attractive
blonde woman that I could maybe look like,
I fish for compliments, so I'll be like --
In like "Goldilocks and the Three Bears,"
I'm like, "Who does that look like?"
[ Laughter ]
And he's like, "Mommy."
And I'm like, "Oh, my God, thank you."
[ Laughter ]
-You make him. Yeah.
-And then the bears, and he's like, "Mommy."
I'm like, "No, no, no, no." -"No, yeah, no, no.
Yeah, I'm not a bear." -"Let's go back to the...
-Goldilocks. Yeah. -"...the pretty one." Yeah.
-I want to hear about the new show.
"Life & Beth," very, very funny.
And we'll talk about more stuff.
More with Amy Schumer after the break. Come on back, everybody.