Let's begin with the end.
NEWSMAN: We want to take you now to a live shot
of the Bay Area in San Francisco.
Stop what you're doing and look at your screen.
This just doesn't look real,
but you've got wildfires burning on almost all sides,
obviously, other than the ocean,
and it creates this smoky orange haze
that looks like dusk or a movie on Mars or something.
One local forecaster says that they're not expecting
to see much blue sky in the Bay Area
until Friday or probably the weekend.
Sweet Lord.
Did you see that sky?
All across the Bay Area, wildfires have turned the skies
into an apocalyptic orange haze,
which is freaking everyone out.
And, you know, it's not just the fact that the sky
looks like Gritty exploded in downtown San Francisco.
What's freaking people out is that climate change
has turned devastating wildfires
into an annual event in California.
And it's clear.
Humans have one of two choices.
Either we do the hard work we need
to reverse climate change,
or in the next ten years,
humans have to rapidly evolve our bitch-ass skin
to be something that's a lot more fireproof.
It's weird, though, because the sky is terrifying,
but in a weird way, it's also really beautiful.
And so I'm begging all of the Instagram models out there
to please not rush out to get photos
in front of that orange sky. I know how you people think.
#NoFilter, #Suffocating,
#Call911.
But let's move on from some bad news
to some bad news.
It's 2020, people. This is all we got.
Right now, pharmaceutical companies around the world
are racing to develop a vaccine for coronavirus
that can save countless lives and give us the freedom
to freely lick park benches once again.
But one major vaccine trial has just hit a major snag.
Breaking news overnight.
A setback in the race for a coronavirus vaccine.
Pharmaceutical giant AstraZeneca
pausing phase three of its global trials
because of an unexplained illness
in one of its volunteers.
The company now has to determine
whether its vaccine
might cause widespread adverse reactions.
You see?
This is why we need vaccine trials in the first place,
because right now, one person in that trial
has an unexplained illness
possibly from the prototype vaccine.
But you realize if they just release this thing
to the public without proper testing,
we could all be out on the streets
with random diseases and mutations.
I mean, on the bright side, maybe some of us would develop
that fireproof skin, but-but still.
Now, the scientists still don't know yet
whether the illness is related to the vaccine trial or not.
But I think I know what happened.
I think what happened was
coronavirus got to the vaccine and said,
"Look, man, whatever the humans are paying you,
I'll pay double."
Now we got to find a vaccine for the vaccine.
Yeah, I read Facebook. I know what's going on.
But let me just say that I'm incredibly grateful
for all of these people who are injecting themselves
with a vaccine without knowing whether it's safe,
because they're doing it for the rest of us.
And in a way, I know how this feels.
You know, it's the same way
my family would make me drink the milk in the fridge
to see whether or not it had gone bad.
Spoiler alert: it was always bad.
But until the vaccines are available,
we just have to keep wearing masks
and socially distancing as much as we can.
Which is why in the U.K., they've now decided
that it's time for the British to party a little less hard.
NEWSWOMAN: As Europe struggles with the surge
in new coronavirus cases,
the U.K. tightening restrictions.
The government says social gatherings
can include no more than six people
instead of the previous 30 allowed.
In England, from Monday,
we're introducing the rule of six.
You must not meet socially
in groups of more than six,
and if you do,
you will be breaking the law.
Yes. Starting Monday in the U.K.,
no more than six people can socialize at a time.
Six.
It's a very specific number.
It almost makes me think that Boris Johnson
has a seventh friend
that he's trying to kick out of the circle of friends.
"I don't understand, Boris.
Why can't I hang out with the gang?"
"Well, you-you see, there were already six of us here,
and scientists say that seven is COVID's favorite number."
"Well, what if I came early?
Then I would just be the third person."
"Oh, no, y-you'll always be the seventh person
no matter what time you arrive."
But look, these restrictions are better late than never,
because, man, those Brits can party hard.
As someone who has spent quarantine
binging all of The Great British Bake Off,
I'm telling you now those people are out of control.
They put cocaine on everything.
Here's what I don't get, though.
If they're worried about an outbreak in the U.K.,
why wait until Monday to enforce this rule?
Why not just tell people now
to stop socializing in big groups?
Because I know that if in four days,
I can't hang out with all my friends,
well, I'll tell you what I'm doing
for the next three nights.
♪ ♪
Everyone tested positive.
Now, corona isn't just canceling parties for the living,
because in Los Angeles, even ghosts and goblins
are now being told to stay safe.
No trick-or-treating. That's what health officials
in Los Angeles County are saying this morning.
The Department of Public Health there is saying
door-to-door for candy
is just too risky this Halloween.
They say it poses a higher risk for spreading coronavirus.
Halloween is still more than a month away,
but the department is hoping that this will give people
enough time to find other ways to celebrate the holiday.
They're encouraging online parties and contests
and maybe some drive-through activities.
Aw, are you serious?
Trick-or-treating is canceled?
This is awful.
So, what, I'm gonna have to mail
all the kids in my neighborhood razor blades? (groans)
And I'm gonna be honest, guys.
I don't know if this is gonna work.
First of all,
I don't think nine-year-olds should be driving.
That's just me, okay?
And secondly, no drive-through experience
ever ends the way you want.
"Hi, I'd like a full-size Snickers, please."
MAN: "Okay, one bag of pennies. Is that all?"
"Uh, not pennies. Candy bars."
"Okay, extra large bag of rusty old pennies.
Pull up to the next window, please."
In other news that's rocking L.A.,
after years of #OscarsSoWhite,
the Motion Picture Academy has announced a major rule change
to hopefully make the Oscars #SoRight.
The Oscars are making inclusion
a requirement for Best Picture consideration.
Starting in 2024,
those movies must meet diversity requirements
in two out of four production categories,
widening opportunities for underrepresented groups.
They include women, minorities
and people with cognitive or physical disabilities.
Promoters of the initiative say the changes will better reflect
the diversity of the moviegoing audience.
So, this is encompassing the totality
of the people that actually work on a film.
Oh, shit.
From now on,
movies can only be nominated for Best Picture
if they meet certain diversity thresholds?
Wherever Martin Scorsese is right know,
he is shitting himself.
He's probably calling DiCaprio, begging him to make a plan.
"Come on, kid, you sure you can't play Black?
You can do anything, I know you can."
Personally, I think this opens up a bunch of opportunities.
I hope that long-running franchises
will just switch up the races of people
and never address it.
Like, how dope would it be
if in the next Batman movie, he's just Jamaican?
(Jamaican accent): "I and I be the Batman, man.
"Wagwan?
The Joker..." (speaks Patois)
What you want say for that? Him can't do that."
Now, you know what was funny, man,
is that soon as this story came out,
so many people read the headline,
and they just started panicking, bitching online.
People were like, "This is censorship.
"You can't force filmmakers to create whatever you want.
"I mean, how can you make a period piece with diversity?
There were no Black people back then."
If you actually read the story before chiming in,
people would have realized that, in fact, these new standards,
which only take effect in 2024, are not that strict.
For instance, a movie qualifies
if it has just one lead role from an underrepresented group
and 30% of the crew
from an underrepresented group, as well, all right?
Or even if it has just 30% diversity
in the marketing department
or an internship program for an underrepresented group.
And by the way, they define "underrepresented groups"
as Black, Asian, Hispanic,
indigenous people, women, the disabled community,
or members of the LGBTQ community.
So, in other words,
it's super easy to meet this criteria.
Now, I know that some people think
that this might be the end of the movie industry.
But I don't know, guys.
I think, with the right casting,
diversity can add an exciting new perspective to any film.
Did I miss anything?
(door shuts)
Bitch, you had this coming.
Oh, what, y'all not gonna back me up?
The Russians out in front of my house,
and y'all worried about not hurting this weirdo's feelings.
I was against this shit from the beginning.
I told y'all-- this dude is a clown.
Yo, Franz. You don't remember that, Franz?
You don't remember when I told you we shouldn't take orders
from a dude with a little tiny broom for a mustache?
No.
Don't nobody want to listen to Roy.
I don't listen to me. Matter of fact,
I-I'm starting to think y'all kind of racist.
I'm getting a vibe.
Look where that's got us.
If I was you, I'd kill myself.
Bravo. Bravo!