I feel like I haven't really voiced any of this before.
I somehow just ran out and let that incident slip.
It just you know, slipped from my memory.
And a lot of girls kind of normalized it or some of them just didn't talk.
The photographer's assistant takes me several feet to the back of the studio and I'm changing
into my next outfit when he decides that he's just going to completely molest me
within several feet of my mother.
And I felt so paralyzed in fear and just astonishment that someone would have such an easy feeling
of ownership over my body.
For years I used to repress the memories of what happened
because it was so traumatizing and devastating.
For a while I was sexually harassed by the agency's owner
and then sexually abused.
I'm finally able to acknowledge that it happened.
And I know that it wasn't my fault.
Shame on him, who did this to me.
One of the models had introduced me and the whole group to a manager of a very well known
lingerie company and he brought us back to the store.
Next thing you know he's trying to get me to try lingerie on for him,
he's taking my shirt off throwing me up against the wall
and pinning me every time I tried to fight back.
And I got away.
I got away.
Knowing that other people share the same thing that you've experienced is really powerful.
The client comes in and she just says, very softly, "strip."
I mean it was so demeaning and so dehumanizing I felt like I was like in a dream or something.
One second.
I was asked halfway through the shoot as I had been over and over and over again
to remove my top, or in other circumstances it's been top and bottoms,
and the photographer made me feel stupid for not doing so.
But him trying to pressure me, I did not post the pictures I did not speak to him again
and I blocked him and that was that.
It's too hard to say.
I felt this immense amount of shame.
I didn't want my agency to know about this, I didn't even want to tell my boyfriend at the time.
I didn't want to disappoint anyone.
These feelings women feel way too often almost every day
and it leaves me feeling absolutely invisible. Inadequate.
And it's in these brave stories, but it's in all of our lives.
I wanted to feel sexy and I wanted to feel intriguing and I wanted to do the things that
would make me look that way.
But I didn't want to do them then.
He told me to spit on my breasts and to do other things that I really didn't want to do.
I started to do what he wanted and then I was mortified and I started to cry.
And he kept taking photos even when I was crying.
It has to be you know collaborative, creative, well thought out
and I do see it as a form of art.
This didn't feel like that.
It's funny because some people might say why didn't you just say no.
But when you're put on the spot in that moment and you're with someone who is in a position
of power and influence that's much easier said than done.
Since that time I've done many nude photo shoots
because I chose to do them and I wanted to do them.
But we should never be made to feel like we have to.
Even if you think that because we're in this industry and I'm like a commodity
that doesn't mean that you get to use and abuse.
And it's not ok to pretend that it didn't just happen.