- As a famous person you sorta read about yourself,
gossip and Twitter and everything
and one thing kept cropping up,
even when I was preparing for this tour,
they were saying,
"Oh, he's out of touch.
He's so famous.
He's rich.
He's mega-rich."
I am.
(audience laughs)
I could have this place burned down for a laugh.
(audience laughs)
No, but they say things like,
"Oh, he's an observational comedian.
How can he say things that relate to ordinary scum?"
(audience laughs)
And I say,
"Don't call 'em scum, all right?"
But even the papers, they try and get around to it.
I do interviews and they always wanna say,
"Oh, do you always fly first class?"
I go,
"No, often private."
(audience laughs)
The number of times I've answered this question,
they say,
"Do you know how much a pint of milk is?"
It's meant to make you look out of touch
and I don't know, but that's irrelevant.
(audience laughs)
Next time a journalist asks me that, I'm gonna say,
"I don't know, mate, but here's a grand.
Run and get me one, will ya?
(audience laughs)
Is that enough?"
(audience laughs)
Another question that I always get,
particularly with the posh papers,
the Sundays, they're doing a profile piece,
and they're still trying to alienate you
and make you look different
and they always say things like,
"No, you don't have children."
I say,
"No."
They say,
"Why don't you have children?"
Which is a really odd question to ask someone,
"Why don't you have children,"
as opposed to asking people,
"Why do you have children?"
Let's ask the fat lady in the leggings why she's had eight.
Shall we?
(audience laughs)
Oh, nine.
That one just fell out.
That one didn't even touch the sides
or disturb her cigarette.
(audience laughs)
"Go and claim for that."
(audience laughs)
People say,
"Oh, it's selfish to not have children."
How can it be selfish to not bring a life into the world
that doesn't exist on any level?
It's not like there's a long cabinet
full of potential ghost fetuses going,
"We wanna be born."
(audience laughs)
But I've thought about it
and there's three reasons I don't have children.
Three main reasons I don't have children.
I'll share them with you, three reasons.
One, there's millions.
(audience laughs)
The world's overpopulated.
No one's sitting around going,
"Oh, Rick's not having kids, we're gonna run out."
(audience laughs)
Two, kids are scroungers, aren't they?
From day one, it's all,
"Me, me, me."
Isn't it?
"Feed me,
clothe me,
pay for my chemotherapy."
(audience laughs)
"Not my problem, son.
(audience laughs)
Luck of the draw, boy, luck of the draw."
(audience laughs)
It costs the average household in the west
$200,000 to bring up a child and you don't see that back.
They don't wanna pay you back.
They're not grateful.
They don't go,
"Thanks for having me," everyday.
They're going,
"I didn't wanna be born."
Even if they get a top job, which they won't,
(audience laughs)
you'll never see that money back.
They'll just put you in a home
and my kid, he'd born into ridiculous wealth, wouldn't he?
(audience laughs)
He'd be a little cunt.
(audience laughs and claps)
A little Hampstead cunt
(audience laughs)
running around with all the other
fucking little Hampstead cunts,
being all Hampstead and cunty.
"I'm a little Hampstead cunt."
"Yes, I know."
"These are my little cunty friends."
"Yeah, I know, it's obvious.
I can tell from your little fucking cunty hat
that you're little Hampstead cunts."
On the one hand,
he'd know he was a little fucking Hampstead cunt.
"I'm a little Hampstead cunt."
Yes, we know, everyone knows.
We know that, right?
On the other hand,
he'd know that he could never live up
to being as brilliant as his dad, right?
(audience laughs)
I'd say,
"You know, I worked from nothing and I gave it to you
and you're just a little useless Hampstead cunt."
That would probably prey on his little mind a bit,
wouldn't it?
11, 12, he'd be a naughty boy, run with the wrong crowd,
try and get out from under my shadow, right?
Then he'd turn to drugs and at about 30
he'd come home and he'd overdose on my Afghan rug,
20 grand, that was.
(audience laughs)
And as he was there,
convulsing and throwing up his fucking lungs,
and with his little posh high-pitched fucking death rattle,
(audience laughs)
his little fucking dying words, he'd go,
"Do you love me now, Daddy?"
"No!
(audience laughs)
I never did, and that's why you're never going to be born,
you useless fucking junkie Hampstead cunt."