I once got a teacup given to me that said, 'Craig means rock.'
I was like, oh great.
'Craig' is a Gaelic Celtic word that has something to do with rocks.
For me the mountain is a sanctuary.
They're so stable, they're so ancient, they're so still.
And they're filled with this beautiful sense of life.
If I could just spend my whole life walking mountains,
I'd be super, super happy.
But it's easy to be enlightened and happy on a mountain.
But can you be happy and enlightened in the market place,
in town with other people, doing normal stuff?
So I've always felt every time I go up the mountain,
it's appropriate that I come back down
and I get stuck into the things that I see.
One of the biggest challenges in this life for me has been anger...
feeling really judgemental,
getting frustrated and impatient.
I was massively angry with myself
for bullying my brother.
I was massively angry at my community and culture
for whatever they weren't giving me
that made me transfer it onto my brother.
I wish that we had been taught what emotions are
and how to work with them.
Somehow they failed dramatically to help me understand,
or even feel that I can communicate my anger in a good way.
That there is a way to navigate it to bring blessings into my life.
There was just an absolute void of wisdom.
So I think I struggled with that
and my brother was an easy target.
Humans, or men at least, maybe all of us
are prone to a need for a sense of empowerment.
And so when we don't get it from where we should be getting it,
feeling supported and empowered,
I think we take it out on those that we can get away with it.
There are so many stories where people have died
believing that their son, brother, father, husband, child
thought something about them.
They hadn't cleared the air,
just because they didn't have a conversation.
And I don't want to die like that.
I don't want to live like that.
So I went to him, wanting to let him know
that I carried shame.
The fact that I ever, at any point,
called him some name, some belittling name,
and transferred my own low self esteem onto him,
is something that I'll always carry, my whole life.
We've chatted a lot about it you know.
It's one of the...
It's one of the blessings in my life...
we've talked you know.
And it's not like it's fixed and healed.
There are still wounds that we all have.
But we've talked about it.
He's forgiven me on many occasions.
I've forgiven myself on many occasions.
And it still makes me sad
because another part of me
would have loved a different form of relation,
which we have more now, but...
it's just life.
One of the most sacred of emotions is shame,
because it is shame that keeps us human.
If you don't have shame
you don't know when you've done something wrong.
And you can't make a choice to correct.
It's like a compass.
Emotions are just such gifts.
They help us steer and navigate.
For some reason our culture,
or masculinity in its toxic form,
has just slammed them.
And it's becoming OK again for men to feel or express emotions.
Not even OK, it's beginning to be demanded.
This is not something that I'm ashamed of.
I'm glad I feel.
Because I know that that's the way... you have to feel.
As soon as you're running from the feelings
you're just setting up this slow suffering process.
Because what happens is that
when I'm angry and I don't know why,
it turns into a toxic energy towards myself ultimately.
I don't understand why I'm angry, there's something wrong with me.
What I find now is that awareness is often the medicine.
There needs to be some kind of a listening process.
And you have to give that to yourself.
If it means somehow, anyhow,
giving yourself the gift of time
to go and reflect and really, really listen.
Really be honest with myself...
OK, why am I feeling these feelings?
Really investigate into these feelings.
There is some sort of a message coming to me.
I might not know what it is yet
but let me spend some time.
Other people and our relationships
become these mirrors and reflections
of aspects of what is real and what exists
and what exists in ourself.
Therefore when I encounter things I don't like
there is actually something there for me.
Maybe it's a chance to say I finally have to face this
and what is it I can learn?
I remind myself of that perspective,
that whatever I'm going through now
there is a blessing in it, there is a teaching in it.
There is some way that it's bringing me closer
to who I want to be.
I'm not always who I want to be.
I'm not always as patient, as loving, as kind,
as compassionate, as present as I would like.
But I can try you know.
Nowadays the anger is like this clean blazing fire
that I can feel.
I'm not so ashamed of it.
I'm very weary and respectful of it.
I don't want to burn others. I don't want to burn myself.
And there's definitely been a cooling of it in some way.
I've tempered it through a lens of compassion.
And realising that people do damage
when they have been damaged.
People cause suffering when they are suffering.
But if I find that compassion for others
I'm also finding it for myself.
So ultimately my joy in life and my happiness
is related to how much compassion I have for me and for others.
And the two go hand in hand.
The more gentle, loving, kind I am to myself,
the more I am able to be that for others.
And the more I am that to others
the more I find myself willing to feel that I deserve it as well.
So the mountains definitely humble me.
It's always reminded me of the preciousness of life.
And it's always made me remember how small I am.
And how temporary.
Mountains are millions and millions of years old.
I see life metaphorically as valleys and mountains.
That for me is how life is.
Even though I love the mountain top
I don't want to live on top of it.
It really is being able at any moment, no matter where you are...
downhill, uphill, in the valley, on the plains...
remembering what it's like to be on top of the mountain.
I'm happy where I am.
I'm glad for what I have here and all around.
I'm loving life, for sure.