>> Stephen: HI!
HEY, THERE!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
TONIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I AM LASER FOCUSED ON THE BIGGEST
STORY TODAY, WHICH IS FROM YESTERDAY, WHICH IS THAT THREE
WEEKS FROM NOW, ON JUNE 14, "THE LATE SHOW" IS COMING BACK TO THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN A TRIUMPHANT RETURN WE'RE CALLING
"THE LATE SHOW VAX IN ACTION: AN IMMUNITY THEATER PRODUCTION OF
THE STATE OF REUNION, WITH A LIVE BODY-ODY-AUDIENCE!"
I AM SO EXCITED.
AND, APPARENTLY, SO ARE YOU, BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, AT 11:40,
TICKETS WENT LIVE ON OUR WEBSITE, AND WE GOT OVER 20,000
REQUESTS IN THE FIRST 20 MINUTES.
1,000 CLICKS A MINUTE!
WHAT AM I, KOREAN SUPER-GROUP BTS?
NO, BUT THEY ARE MY GUESTS TONIGHT.
LOVE.
( LAUGHTER )
FOR JUNE, SCIENTISTS ARE PREDICTING A SURGE OF OTHER
MONTHS LATER THIS YEAR.
SO IF YOU'RE FULLY VACCINATED, GO AHEAD AND BOOKMARK THIS LINK
FOR TICKETS, AND COME WATCH THE SHOW IN PERSON.
THE FIRST TWO ROWS WILL GET PONCHOS, BECAUSE I WILL BE
OPENLY WEEPING WITH JOY.
NOW, I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE SPREADING THE NEWS ABOUT ME.
THIS MORNING, POLITICO'S NEW YORK PLAYBOOK PLUGGED OUR SHOW,
BUT-- AND THIS IS REAL-- THEY RAN IT WITH A SMALL TYPO.
IT'S SUBTLE, BUT SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT IT:
"STEPHEN COLBERT'S 'LATE SHOW' WILL RETURN ANTI-SEMITIC, ALL-
VACCINATED STUDIO AUDIENCE ON JUNE 14."
( LAUGHTER )
THAT IS HORRIBLE AND TOTALLY WRONG.
OUR AUDIENCE WILL NOT BE ANTI-SEMITIC.
I'M NOT SURE WHERE THIS CAME FROM, BUT I'LL CHECK WITH OUR
NEW PUBLICIST, MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE.
SPEAKING OF WHOM, GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE MARJORIE TAYLOR
GREENE, SEEN HERE, I'M GOING TO SAY... FLIRTING?
GREENE IS A QANON-BELIEVING, PROFESSIONAL TROLL WHOSE ONLY
MOTIVATION IS MAKING PEOPLE TALK ABOUT HER.
SO LET'S TALK ABOUT HER.
LATE LAST WEEK, GREENE WENT ON A CONSERVATIVE PODCAST TO COMPLAIN
ABOUT THE HOUSE'S MASK MANDATE AND MADE A PRETTY TROUBLING
COMPARISON.
>> YOU KNOW, WE CAN LOOK BACK IN A TIME IN HISTORY WHERE PEOPLE
WERE TOLD TO WEAR A GOLD STAR, AND THEY WERE DEFINITELY TREATED
LIKE SECOND-CLASS CITIZENS, SO MUCH SO THAT THEY WERE PUT IN
TRAINS AND TAKEN TO GAS CHAMBERS IN NAZI GERMANY.
AND THIS IS EXACTLY THE TYPE OF ABUSE THAT NANCY PELOSI IS
TALKING ABOUT.
>> Stephen: COUNTERPOINT: NO IT'S NOT.
GREENHAS UNLEASHED A FIRESTORM OF CRITICISM FOR HER COMMENT SO
THIS WEEKEND SHE DOUBLED DOWN.
>> I SAID NOTHING WRONG.
AND I THINK ANY RATIONAL JEWISH PERSON DIDN'T LIKE WHAT HAPPENED
IN NAZI GERMANY, AND ANY RATIONAL JEWISH PERSON DOESN'T
LIKE WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH OVERBEARING MASK MANDATES AND
OVERBEARING VACCINE POLICIES.
( AS GREENE )
MANY RATIONAL JEWISH PEOPLE.
HOW ELSE WOULD THEY BE ABLE TO CREATE THEIR FOREST FIRE
SPACE LASERS?" SHE GOT A LOT OF CRITICISM FOR
THAT, TOO.
SO THIS MORNING, SHE TRIPLED DOWN WITH THIS UNPARSEABLE
CLICKBAIT WORD PUDDING: "VACCINATED EMPLOYEES GET A
VACCINATION LOGO, JUST LIKE THE NAZI'S FORCED JEWISH PEOPLE TO
WEAR A GOLD STAR.
VACCINE PASSPORTS AND MASK MANDATES CREATE DISCRIMINATION
AGAINST UNVAXXED PEOPLE WHO TRUST THEIR IMMUNE SYSTEMS TO
A VIRUS THAT IS 99% SURVIVABLE."
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GUESSING IS NOT 99% SURVIVABLE?
COMPARING MASK MANDATES TO THE HOLOCAUST.
BUT THE REAL VILLAINS HERE, OF COURSE, ARE THE G.O.P. LEADERS
WHO HAVE SAT BACK AND SAID NOTHING FOR FIVE DAYS.
THOUGH, FINALLY, TODAY, HOUSE MINORITY LEADER KEVIN McCARTHY
ATTEMPTED TO DISTANCE HIMSELF FROM GREENE'S STATEMENTS, AND
SHE RESPONDED BY RETWEETING A SUPPORTER, DESCRIBING KEVIN
McCARTHY AS A "MORON" AND A "FECKLESS C-WORD."
OKAY, I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY CHA C-WORD THAT IS.
CONSERVATIVE?
CAPRICORN?
BUT "FECKLESS" IS COMPLETELY UNFAIR!
KEVIN McCARTHY HAS PLENTY OF FECK.
I'D EVEN GO SO FAR AS TO SAY HE'S FECKED IN THE HEAD.
HE CAN ACTUALLY GO FECK HIMSELF.
( LAUGHTER )
TURN TO AMAZON C.E.O. AND MAN WELCOMING YOU TO HIS POLYAMOROUS
JUICE-MAKING COMMUNE, JEFF BEZOS.
THE LATEST BEZOS NEWS-OS IS THAT AMAZON IS NEARING A DEAL TO BUY
THE HOLLYWOOD STUDIO MGM.
THAT IS SUCH A BILLIONAIRE MOVE.
NEXT, HE'S GOING TO BUY KELLOG'S JUST SO HE CAN MAKE THE MGM LION
FIGHT TONY THE TIGER.
THE PRICE TAG IS ALMOST $9 BILLION AND WOULD GIVE AMAZON
A TREASURE TROVE OF SHOWBIZ TITLES, INCLUDING THE JAMES BOND
FRANCHISE.
FIRST UP, CHANGING "DIE ANOTHER DAY" TO "DIE IN TWO DAYS FREE
WITH AMAZON PRIME!" IN FACT, ALL OF MGM'S CLASSIC
MOVIES ARE BEING UPDATED FOR AMAZON, LIKE "THE WIZARD OF OZ."
♪ WE REPRESENT THE LOLLIPOP GUILD
♪ THE LOLLIPOP GUILD THE LOLLIPOP GUILD ♪
>> NOTE THE LOLLIPOP GUILD HAS BEEN DISBANDED AND REPLACED BY
THE ASSOCIATION OF LOLLIPOP INDEPENDENT CONTRACTORS.
>> Stephen: I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE AN OFFICIAL STATEMENT
>> GUESS WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN?
$9 BILLION.
I'M RICH!
( LAUGHS ) MAKE IT RAIN.
I'M ABOUT TO BE A SEA LION BECAUSE DADDY'S GETTING A BRAND
NEW YACHT.
DON'T WORRY, I'VE BEEN ASSURED MY REPLACEMENT IS PERFECTLY
CAPABLE OF CARRYING ON MY LEGACY.
>> ROAR, ROAR.
( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE HE'S DROPPING THAT 9 BILLION ON IT, EVEN THOUGH
INSIDERS BELIEVE THE STUDIO IS ONLY "WORTH ABOUT $5 BILLION."
JEFF!
THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH!
DIDN'T YOU CHECK ON THE RIGHT-HAND SIDE OF TH PRODUCT
PAGE?
YOU COULD HAVE BOUGHT IT USED FROM OTHER SELLERS.
SO, WHY WOULD ONE OF THE WORLD'S RICHEST MEN PAY ALMOST TWICE THE
VALUE FOR A STRUGGLING MOVIE STUDIO THAT RECENTLY WENT
BANKRUPT?
WELL, COULD BE THAT JEFF BEZOS HAS AN ONGOING FEUD WITH THE
FORMER PRESIDENT GENGHIS CON.
AND GUESS WHAT?
ALL THE OUTTAKES FROM "THE APPRENTICE" ARE OWNED BY MGM.
HOLY MOTHER OF DVD EXTRAS!
THE PRIVATE FOOTAGE OF A TV BILLIONAIRE IS GOING TO BELONG
TO AN ACTUAL BILLIONAIRE!
YOU SEE, FOR YEARS, THERE HAVE BEEN ALLEGATIONS ABOUT OUT-TAKES
FROM "THE APPRENTICE" WHERE THE SLOB FATHER USES RACIST
LANGUAGE, INCLUDING BY ACTOR TOM ARNOLD, WHO SAYS HE SAW IT
PERSONALLY.
>> I'VE SEEN A COMPILATION TAPE THAT MY BUDDY SHARED WITH ME.
HE SAYS THE N-WORD.
HE SAYS-- HE CALLS ERIC THE R-WORD.
IT WAS HIM SITTING IN THAT CHAIR SAYING THE N-WORD, SAYING THE
C-WORD.
HE SAYS EVERY BAD THING EVER, EVERY DIRTY, EVERY OFFENSIVE,
RACIST THING EVER.
>> Stephen: SO, ON BRAND.
AND IF THIS IS TRUE, SOMEDAY SOON, BEZOS MAY RELEASE THE MOST
RACIST THING IN THE MGM CATALOG, OTHER THAN "GONE WITH THE WIND."
BECAUSE THESE TAPES HAVE NEVER BEEN MADE PUBLIC, BUT NOW MOUNT
FLUSHMORE'S ARCH-NEMESIS OWNS IT ALL!
AND I AM HERE FOR IT.
BEZOS COULD RELEASE IT ALL ON AMAZON PRIME AS THE FOLLOW-UP TO
FLEABAG: D-BAG.
( LAUGHTER )
SENATOR AND MAN EXAGGERATING HOW MANY FRIENDS HE HAS, RAND
PAUL.
YESTERDAY, THE SENATOR RECEIVED A SUSPICIOUS PACKAGE FILLED WITH
WHITE POWDER.
IT WAS SUSPICIOUS BECAUSE IT DIDN'T COME FROM DON JR.
THE PACKAGE INCLUDED A THREATENING MESSAGE, WITH AN
IMAGE OF THE SENATOR IN A NECK BRACE AND WITH A CAST ON HIS ARM
ABOVE TEXT READING, "I'LL FINISH WHAT YOUR NEIGHBOR STARTED, YOU
(BLEEP)."
THE MESSAGE REFERS TO A 2017 INCIDENT IN WHICH RAND PAUL
STEPPED OFF A RIDING LAWN MOWER AS THE MAN WHO LIVED NEXT DOOR
CHARGED AND TACKLED HIM.
OF COURSE, NEIGHBORS GET IN FIGHTS ALL THE TIME.
WE ALL REMEMBER THAT ONE EPISODE OF "HOME IMPROVEMENT."
NOW, LET ME BE CLEAR ABOUT SOMETHING.
I'M NO FAN OF RAND PAUL.
HE TRIED TO SELL ME WEED BACKSTAGE HERE ONE NIGHT.
BUT THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR VIOLENCE OR THREATS OF ANY
KIND AT ANY TIME AGAINST ANYONE FOR ANY REASON.
THAT IS NOT HOW WE SETTLE CONFLICTS IN A FREE SOCIETY.
WE DO THAT WITH LIP SYNC BATTLES.
LL COOL J DECIDES THE WINNER.
IT'S IN THE CONSTITUTION.
AUTHORITIES DON'T KNOW WHO SENT THE PACKAGE, BUT RAND PAUL IS
BLAMING POP SINGER RICHARD MARX.
WAIT, THE WHAT?
THE GUY WHO SANG "ENDLESS SUMMER NIGHTS"?
THIS IS THE MOST UNEXPECTED ACT OF VIOLENCE SINCE HALL & OATES
THREW BABY JESSICA DOWN A WELL.
HERE'S RAND PAUL'S CHAIN OF LOGIC: SUNDAY, MARX TWEETED,
"IF I EVER MEET RAND PAUL'S NEIGHBOR, I'M GOING TO HUG HIM
AND BUY HIM AS MANY DRINKS AS HE CAN CONSUME."
THAT LED RAND PAUL TO COMPLAIN "JUST THIS WEEKEND, RICHARD MARX
CALLED FOR VIOLENCE AGAINST ME AND I RECEIVED THIS
POWDER-FILLED LETTER.
"CALLED FOR VIOLENCE"?
IT WAS A CALL TO BUY SOMEONE A DRINK.
BUT I GET IT.
RICHARD MARX HAS OVER 300,000 FOLLOWERS ON TWITTE-- I BELIEVE
THEY'RE CALLED MARXISTS-- AND WITH THAT KIND OF SOCIAL MEDIA
PLATFORM, YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT WHAT YOU SAY.
STILL, TO THINK THAT RICHARD MARX IS DANGEROUS IS JUST
RIDICULOUS.
I MEAN, WHEN YOU CONSIDER THE-- >> BWAHAHAHAHA!
IS IT, STEVE?
>> Stephen: GRAMMY AWARD-WINNING ARTIST WHO TOPPED THE CHARTS IN
FOUR DIFFERENT DECADES, CHICAGO'S VERY OWN RICHARD
MARX?!
HOW DID YOU BREAK INTO MY BROADCAST?
>> OH, STEVE, WHEREVER YOU GO.
WHATEVER YOU DO, I, RICHARD WILL
♪ BE RIGHT HERE WAITING FOR YOU ♪
ALONG WITH MY 300,000 TWITTER FOLLOWERS.
WHO I CALL "THE RICHARDS."
>> Stephen: OKAY, BUT YOU'RE NOT INCITING VIOLENCE AGAINST
PEOPLE, ARE YOU?
>> OF COURSE NOT.
ALL I WANT IS WORLD DOMINATION.
I WILL NOT REST UNTIL RICHARD MARX'S REACH IS...
AVAILABLE AT richardmarx.com!
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S A LITTLE SCARY.
AREN'T YOU WORRIED THAT BY TALKING ABOUT THIS ON NATIONAL
TV, WORLD LEADERS ARE GOING TO BAND TOGETHER AND STOP YOU?
>> THEY'D HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST AT UNION CHAPEL IN LONDON,
SEPTEMBER 1, 2, 3.
TICKETS AVAILABLE AT richardmarx.com!
>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND.
RICHARD, ARE YOU USING THIS CONTROVERSY JUST TO PROMOTE
YOURSELF?
>> YOU GOT ME, STEVIE.
IT'S PART OF MY EVIL PLAN, THAT YOU CAN LEARN ALL ABOUT IN
MY NEW MEMOIR, "STORIES TO TELL," AVAILABLE FOR PRE-ORDER
ON richardmarx.com!
>> Stephen: RICHARD MARX, EVERYBODY!
>> DOT-COM!
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS GAYLE KING.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, GLOBAL SUPERGROUP BTS.
AND I TEACH YOU SOME COOL NEW HAND GESTURES.
LOVE.
♪ ♪ ♪