- Boundaries used to be something
that was really hard for me to set.
And when I realized that in a way,
think of this analogy
this is a life changer.
When you really start to see it
think of boundaries as an actual fence.
Now imagine that you have this beautiful garden
let's say over here,
there's like this beautiful garden
or something like that.
(laughs)
And let's say that your job is to nurture the plants.
Your job is to water the plants
to take care of the soil.
And this is your garden.
This is your space.
Now imagine what happens
is somebody comes into your garden
and what they do is they literally tear up
all the beautiful plants.
Imagine that somebody comes into the garden
and starts dictating how you should go
about what you're doing.
Even if that means it's at the detriment
of the plants themselves.
Now imagine that somebody comes in
and just starts,
gets a rake,
gets a hole
and just starts chopping up your beautiful strawberries
or some type of apple tree or whatever it is.
Now the key is realizing that when you
get that of a fence
and you put that around your garden
you are then establishing boundaries
so that people don't come into your garden
to chop up your vegetables,
to take it
or to dictate how things go.
Now, here's the trippy thing.
Now for myself,
I know that with what I went through in childhood,
that there was a part of me that felt safe
with other people coming into my garden
to dictate how things went.
This is the trippy thing
you might say,
well why is it hard to set boundaries?
One of the reasons it's hard for people to set boundaries
is because they actually feel safe
with other people in their garden
dictating how they go about
taking care of their vegetables
or their plants or fruits or whatever it is.
I know that sounds kind of crazy
but the other thing is they may feel responsible
for other people's gardens.
So because somebody over there
doesn't have their shit growing well,
they're not growing great apple trees
will come over to my garden.
I have apple trees.
I'll let you dictate what goes on.
You see what happens.
It's not your responsibility to make sure
that everybody else has great apples.
It's not your responsibility
to tend to other people's gardens,
but in the same way
it is your responsibility
to protect your own garden
so that you're able to fill up your own cup
your own strawberry basket,
whatever it is.
(laughs)
But the key to this is realizing.
And for me there's a very strong thing
that's been happening with me
over the last couple of months now really
I've been learning to go more inside of my body
and to be in my own frame.
And the more I do this,
the more empowering it feels.
And then the more
I'm not like afraid of setting my own boundaries.
I don't feel guilty when I do something
'cause I wanna do it.
And I don't feel guilty when I maybe say no
to doing something I really don't wanna do.
But the guilt comes from responsibility.
If we believe it's our responsibility
to allow people in our garden,
then of course it's gonna be hard for us to say no.
If we believe that it's safer
for someone else to come into our garden
and to do that
then what we'll do
is we'll keep allowing it in,
but realize that you protecting your own boundary
gives you the momentum
so that you can really go in the direction that you want.
So that's my analogy.
I'm gonna go back to my house now
and I'll finish out the video.
(laughs)
What I share with you right now
is probably one of the most powerful insights
I've had of the last two or three years
probably of my life.
Honestly, now that I really think about it.
But what this has to do with
Is if you struggle with having boundaries,
if you feel guilty
and if you also struggle to be in your own frame
and this many times links all the way back to childhood.
For me I was in someone else's frame that felt safe.
It was my ex step-mom,
who had a very strong frame
and a very strong masculine frame.
It was kind of having like
an army Sergeant as a parent or a step-parent
or whatever you call her.
And what happened is she had this strong frame.
I felt safe in that.
And what happens is even after my dad divorced when I was 15
I continue to find myself falling into other people's frame.
This was in relationships.
This was in managers that I had at jobs.
And I became this very empathic person
that could feel other people's energy.
Now, one of the biggest things I think with this
that I wanna share
is when it comes to being an empath,
this is what happened.
What happened is when there was trauma
that you went through,
when you were a kid
you then didn't feel safe in your own body.
Maybe you were shamed,
talk down to and made to feel a certain way,
or you know you did feel a certain way.
And what happens is you then escape
out of your body and you go more
into your top three chakras.
You literally go into your throat
your third eye and your crown.
Then you become this very intuitive person
that can feel everyone else's vibe.
And the challenge with this
is that then your feeling other people's vibe
not knowing that it's their vibe not yours.
And then you may even feel responsibility.
Like it's my job.
You know, if I feel their disappointment
then I'm gonna feel less of a person
or I'm gonna feel like there's something wrong.
So that's also when people pleasers come into play.
Now I've had a shadow integration coach,
shadow where coach who's like Carl Yoon,
you know, double PhD
you know and it's been profound.
What I've learned.
Now, let me share with you
what I've learned,
what I've spent.
A lot of (mumbles)
over the last like coaching with him
for the last year.
'Cause it ain't cheap,
(laughs)
but this is what I've learned.
I'm gonna save you guys
and help save you guys a ton of time.
Now this has also helped me
wire in a much different vibration.
I keep getting people that respond
to my videos and they go,
wow it's crazy to see how much different you are Aaron
than you were like a year ago.
My energy has changed a lot.
One of the reasons being
is I'm actually in my body,
I'm more present.
I have more masculine energy
than I ever have before within me.
And one of the reasons being
is because I'm not trying to people please
I'm not falling into other people's frame.
I'm in my own frame,
replace the word frame for body.
If you find yourself lacking your own frame,
lacking having your own vision
for what you're creating in the world
for your own boundaries,
for how people treat you.
It means many times energetically
you are not in your own body.
I mean you are,
but you're not grounded in your own body.
So the key to this
and what I've learned to do
is to literally go inside of my body
do a meditation every day
where I put the awareness in my bottom three chakras.
And what I do is I do this meditation
that my shadow work integration coach taught me
and this is all it is.
All I do is I go within my body,
in my heart,
in my lower chakras,
I feel it there
and what I do is I then focus on the separation
the container of my body
and the separation between me and the candle flame,
me and the walls
me and anything else,
subject object.
You see what happens with the empath
Is they are so not in their body
that they feel everything else around them.
There is third eye open,
everything, everything
everything let's all we're all one connected.
But the thing is,
is what you need to hear.
What you need to do is get inside
of your body and actually feel separation.
Oh that's your stuff.
That's like a mantra I've been using lately.
That's your stuff.
When I have people,
friends that I go hang out with
and maybe if like they feel,
you know, I feel their disappointment.
If I don't wanna hang out
or if I care what they think
I'm like well that's their stuff.
This is my stuff.
They need to deal with that.
I'm not gonna keep enabling people
to think that it's you know,
it's up to me to make them happy or to validate them.
Do you see what I mean?
So this goes all the way down to that.
This is literally about
how much are you in your body.
If you wanna be in your own frame more
the key is to be in your own body more
literally put the awareness in your bottom Chakras
feel the separation between you and the walls.
You and other people
watch out magnetic you become by the way,
look at how people respond to you.
When you do this.
When I'm walking around,
I was doing this last night
I was doing a meditation
at my favorite place to go
where I go and I meditate.
And what I did is it's on a hiking trail here in Sedona.
I then am walking back to my bike.
And as I'm walking back to my back from this trail,
everyone's saying hi to me.
I'm not like,
Hey, say hi.
I used to be kind of like that.
I used to like,
you know feel obligated to say hi to people.
Be really nice and all this stuff.
Now I'm like not focused on it at all.
I'm in my own body
and I'm just walking.
And there's a presence that comes with this.
There's a frame that comes with it.
Literally like four or five people
I passed when I was going to my bike.
And every single one of them was like,
hi, how are you?
They were like super nice.
And like going out of their way to say hi.
And it was like,
it was a sign and a symbol to me
of how much my energy has changed,
but I didn't need it.
I wasn't like I'm looking for this validation.
I didn't care.
I was in my own body.
I'm in my own body even now.
And there's a different level
of presence that comes with this.
So when it comes to boundaries
realize it's also the awareness
of what is your shit versus what is other people's shit
Oh that's your stuff.
Remember that.
There'll be people that intend to make you feel guilty
or you might just naturally feel guilty from the past.
The boundaries is literally the boundaries
within your own body.
Do you feel safe in your own container
'cause if you don't feel safe
you bet you you're gonna find somebody else.
You can feel safe in their container.
You can feel safe in their frame.
I don't have time anymore
or energy to be feeding into other people's frame.
I can do it if I choose to,
but I choose to be in my own frame
and it feels so damn good.
So that's the key to really creating boundaries
and setting in your own frame.
This literally goes all the way down to the body.
Now the thing is many of us
went through trauma growing up
and that trauma has us escaping
out of the bottom three chakras
and into our head
and into our third eye
and connecting to everybody else.
If you're an empath
and you probably went through some type of trauma
where you didn't feel safe in your body
or safe in your own frame.
So one thing I have as an inner child meditation
is one of the most powerful meditations I've made.
We energetically go to Khai Hawaii.
You can check that by going below,
you can also go
to aarondoughty.com/child
'cause it's the child meditation.
So C-H-I-L-D.
And also like this video.
If you like style video
like this with metaphors in the beginning,
comment below let me know
how your gonna begin setting boundaries.
Let me know what was your biggest takeaway of this video.
How are you gonna get more
inside of your own frame
and realize that as you do
your whole entire life will change
in a very powerful way.
So with that being said
I hope you guys enjoyed this video.
And if you want that meditation click below.
Other than that I also have a complete
in the past meditation right here
it's completely free
(mumbles)
you check that out right here.
Other than that,
I'm gonna talk to you guys on the next video,
peace, much love,
and namaste.