Being a member of the royal family
has always been one of the sweetest gigs you can have.
You get an unlimited budget for hats,
there's always free crumpets in the breakroom
and, let's be honest, most of your job is just waving.
But now two royal family members
are turning in their two-week notice.
There was a rather stunning announcement today
from the across the pond.
Prince Harry and wife Meghan Markle
say they're stepping away
as senior members of the royal family.
They announced it on Instagram,
and, boy, social media is blowing up over it.
The couple made that announcement
saying they will split their time
between the U.K. and North America,
and they will work to become financially independent.
Whoa! Whoa!
This is huge.
Harry and Meghan are leaving the palace
to become financially independent.
And, you see, you see, this is what happens
when you bring the first black woman
into the royal family.
Yeah. Yeah.
She looked at Harry, and she was like,
"Nigga, you need to get a job.
"You need a job.
"You a grown-ass man.
You can't still be living in your mama's house, Harry."
(laughter)
What's funny is that no matter what job Prince Harry gets,
you realize he's still gonna be Prince Harry, right?
Can you imagine being his boss when he screws up?
Like, what do you call him in and say?
"Prince Harry, get in here, Your Majesty!
"You blew the Henderson account, my lord.
Clean out your desk, and may God save the queen!"
Now, the big question is
if Harry and Meghan come to America,
where are they gonna live? Everyone wants to know.
I think they'll move to L.A. because Meghan's an actor.
Right? And then she's gonna want to work again.
And then Harry can just join the cast
of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Yeah.
Just be, like, fighting on TV.
"I know you what said about me, Denise. Say it to my face."
All right, moving on to the opposite of royalty.
Harvey Weinstein, disgraced Hollywood producer
and man who's somehow uglier on the inside.
His sexual assault trial has just begun here in New York,
and Harvey is already on the judge's bad side.
Jury selection in Harvey Weinstein's
sexual assault trial resumes today
after some drama in court.
The judge threatened to revoke
the Hollywood producer's bail Tuesday
because he kept using his phone in court.
The judge said, "Is this really the way
you want to end up in jail? By texting?"
Weinstein's team calls it a misunderstanding.
Yeah, Harvey Weinstein got into trouble yesterday
because he kept pulling his phone out in court. Yeah.
Because apparently, he can't keep anything in his pants.
(laughter)
I actually feel bad for the judge in the situation,
because you have to uphold the law
but then also be a middle school teacher.
You know, it's just like, "Are you texting?
"Give me your phone. You spit out your gum.
"And damn it, I told you to stop jerking off, Harvey.
-Come on!" -(laughter and applause)
I will tell you,
this is how you know phones are addictive, though.
This guy's on trial for his life,
and he's sitting in that courtroom like,
"I could go to prison forever.
"Yeah. Oh.
"I wonder what Disney character I am. Let's see.
Oh, Ursula. I should have known."
And finally, what would you do
if you were walking down the street
and heard someone screaming for help?
Well, don't rush to call the cops,
because it may not be what you think.
NEWSWOMAN: The concerned neighbor in Florida called 911
after hearing someone screaming, "Let me out."
Turns out, the cries were from a pet parrot.
(screaming)
The parrot's owner says sheriff's deputies
pulled up to his house after getting the call.
He explained that the culprit
was his 40-year-old parrot named Rambo.
When he showed them the parrot,
he says they burst out laughing.
The owner says that he taught Rambo to say, "Let me out"
-when he was a kid. -(squawks)
Okay.
Okay, hold on. So, this dude says
he taught his parrot to scream, "Let me out,"
and the cops just accepted that?
You guys don't want to look in the house just in case?
'Cause that bird might have picked it up
from someone else, if you know what I mean.
Yeah, the parrot's like... (squawks) "Let me out."
Like... (chuckles) "I taught him how to say that."
"I'm in the basement."
"Oh, you see, it's not what..."
"I was kidnapped by a man with a parrot."
(squawks)
(laughter)
Although, wouldn't it be a funny twist
if the cops arrested that guy,
but it turns out that the parrot was just framing him
so that it could have the house to itself?
Yeah. Now the owner's in prison,
and the bird is throwing all-night parties.
Just hanging out with women. You know, just like...
(squawks) "Hello, ladies."
It's like, "Wow, I've never met a parrot that owns a house."
(squawks) "That's right. I'm like Harry.
I've got my own crib." (squawks)