So, what did you think of that number?
I think Blaine and I truly captured our characters.
I’ve been working on keeping my eyebrows still.
It was horrible.
What?
It lacked passion. Have you two ever had sex?
Wow. Shit just got real. That’s my cue to bounce.
I think I’ll go wax my lasagna.
What do our virginity have to do with our performance?
Everything.
If you want to truly get the roles, you need to have sex.
With all do respect, Artie...
That’s the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard.
Hey, who’s the director here?
You are, but-
Then you have to listen to me.
I command you to have sex.
Okay.
[drum beat]
You sounded really great with the Warblers.
You make a great new leader for the guys.
God, you are so cute.
I’m finding it difficult not to crawl across this table,
slather you in honey,
and lick you from toe to eyebrow.
Um, ex-squeeze me?
Oh, look. It’s Kurt. My boyfriend.
Yes, I can tell.
His hair entered the room before him.
Bitch, I know you is not making a move on my man.
Nice to meet you too, I’m Sebastian.
Oh good, now I know what name to carve out on your headstone.
Uh, Snuggle toes-
Blaine, say goodbye to Mr. Sebastian.
We’re leaving.
[snare drums]
He’ll come crawling to me when he’s bored with you.
You’ll see.
Nobody messes with Kurt Hummel.
You better watch yourself.
Okay, ladies.
I’ve called this meeting to talk about something important.
Finn and I are considering having...sex.
Ew.
I was hoping to seek some advice.
Don’t do it. And this time actually take my advice.
Seriously, don’t. Especially not with Finn.
That’s ten seconds of my life I’ll never get back.
Santana, come on, be serious.
You’re right. Five seconds.
I remember when Santana and I wanted to lose our virginities to each other.
Britt, we don’t need to talk about-
She fainted when I took my top off.
Wow, Santana “bad ass” Lopez fainted?
Wish I had been there.
Why? So you could draw pornographic pictures of it on the bathroom stall like you did with Berry?
That was some of my best work!
Ladies, let’s get back on topic.
To tell you truth, Finn and I almost did it last night.
What stopped you?
Finn, dinner was delicious.
I still can’t believe a meat substitute could taste that good.
Substitute?
Yes, substitute, silly. You know I’m a vegan.
I don’t eat actual meat.
I didn’t use a substitute.
[Rachel vomits]
I forgot you were vegan.
These things happen, Rach.
Fuck you, Finn!
I just suddenly didn’t feel sexy anymore.
I think you should go for it.
I mean, what better way to show you love someone than giving yourself to them completely?
You’re right, Tina. I think I’ll go for it.
Thank you.
Tina, what the fuck?
Bitch.
[Song Chicago's "Cell Block Tango" plays]
Pop.
Six.
Squish.
Uh-uh.
Cicero.
Lipschitz.
And now the six merry murderesses of the McKinley Hi Jail in their rendition of "The Cell Block Tango"
Pop.
Six.
Squish.
Uh uh.
Cicero.
Lipschitz.
Pop.
Six.
Squish.
Uh uh.
Cicero.
Lipschitz!
Pop!
Six!
Squish!
Uh uh!
Cicero!
Lipschitz!
He had it coming! (x2)
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same!
Pop! Six! Squish! Uh uh! Cicero! Lipschitz! (x2)
(Spoken) You know I’m kind of a celebrity known for my voice.
I’m like, amazing.
They call me the Queen of songs.
No, not songs. POP.
So, I tried out for the New Directions, And I am super confident, and I know I’m gonna nail the audition.
And there's Mr. Schue, wearin' a vest, tearin' me down and grinnin'.
No, not grinnin'. Laughin'!
So, I said to him, I said, "You better let me in to this glee club..."
And he didn’t.
So I did what I always do best, and I simply let loose some of my...
... self diagnosed Asperger’s.
(Singing) He had it coming (x2)
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you'd have heard it
I betcha you would have done the same!
(Spoken) I met Noah Puckerman at McKinley Hi about two years ago, and he told me he was a nice guy.
He gave me many wine coolers.
Next I know I’m pregnant.
He'd be with me, I'd lie to Finn, it was all a part of, my amazing scheme.
And then I found out, "Sexting" he told me?
Sexting, my ass.
Not only was he with me...oh, no, he had SIX girls.
Never trust a boy with a Mohawk.
So two years later, after our trip to New York, I looked him straight in the eyes, with hate.
Found out he couldn’t handle BIG PLANS.
(Singing) He had it coming (x2)
He took a flower in its prime.
And then he used it!
And he abused it!
It was a murder, but not a crime!
(Spoken) Now, I'm standing in the kitchen, Cookin' up some tots for dinner,
Minding my own business, in storms my boyfriend Shane, in a jealous rage.
"You love those tots more," He says.
He was crazy and he kept on screamin', "those things don’t even taste good!"
My last words to him?
No one messes with my tater tots.
If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it!
I betcha you would have done the same!
(Spoken) Unicorn, unicorn, unicorn, unicorn. Unicorn. Unicorn. Uni....corn.
Unicorn? Unicorn.
Uni? Unicorn.
Artie, uni-corn eh. Unicorn.
Unicorn. Unicorn. Uni.
Unicorn! Corn uni. Unicorn.
Brittany, that's not the lines. You're supposed to--
Uh uh!! UNI...CORN!
(Spoken) There’s a place I go called Breadsticks.
A new waiter, Charlie, started working there.
Now, for the last couple of years, I’d order 20 buckets of stix in a row
One, two, three, four, five... it’s on the menu, Lopez special.
So this one night as I walked past Breadsticks on the street called Cicero,
I was textin', pushin' around a few nerds, a typical night then I became hungry.
I made a turn, open the door, and there's the new waiter Charlie giving some random customer the Lopez Special.
See, that special’s only for me, everyone knows this.
I’ve told him several times.
So I lost it, I went Lima Heights Adjacent on the entire Breadsticks staff.
[Singing] They had it comming! (x4)
I didn't do it! (She didn't do it)
But if I done it! (But if she'd done it!)
How could you tell me that I was wrong?
They had it comming! (x4)
They had it coming all along! (They took a flower in its prime!)
I didn't do it! (And then they used us!)
But if I done it! How could you tell me that I was wrong?
I loved Mike Chang more than I can possibly say.
He was a real amazing dancer...Sensitive... an Asian.
But then I noticed he’d got more screen time.
Sure I got more lines and felt appreciated but he got..
parents, a story line, development and depth.
We know more about him than we do me.
The only way I could shine...
Was if he were dead.
[singing] He had it coming (x4)
He only had himself to blame. (He only had himself to blame.)
If you'd have been there. (If you'd have been there)
If you'd have seen it! (If you'd have seen it)
I betcha you would have done the same!
[Spoken] Pop, six, squish, uh uh, Cicero, Lipschitz.
[Jail door slams shut]
My life is ruined, Rachel!
Finn, there will be other football recruiters and--
No!
You’re gonna get into NYADA and I’m gonna stay here like a loser!
I’ll never get into college!
[Muttered] You sound like you belong in day care.
What?
I said, how about some nice pity sex?
Would that cheer you up?
Yes.
[Santana] Hold it right there, Tiny Finn.
[Groovy 70's cop show music ]
How did you get into my house?
You left the door unlocked, idiot.
We’re here to save Rachel’s virginity.
What?
You heard her, now leave.
Leave or I’ll drags you out.
[Car engine starts and drives away quickly]
You can’t just do this.
Oh, but we already did.
Cheer up, Finny Boy.
It’ll only take you two seconds to take care of yourself.
Three!
[Romantic piano music]
I’m so glad we decided to wait.
Me too, Watermelon Lips.
We would have been doing it for all the wrong reasons.
I think we made the right decision.
I love you.
I love you too.
[Comical draining noise]
[Blaine] What just happened?
[Kurt] The producers forgot to pay the light bill again.
It’s about time we have another mash off. I know we’re gonna win.
Yeah, we needs to put the New Directions in their place.
How are we going to lift them all up at once?
Girls, this is a friendly competition.
We don’t want things getting out of hand and speaking of being friendly...
Santana, you need to work on that.
What? Why?
There are times that you speak before thinking and sometimes your words hurt others.
Is this because I called Hudson Boy Titis?
He’ll get over it.
I think it’ll be best if you apologize.
I’m not apologizing.
[Sings] Stop the violeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeence.
Okay....
So, you’re here to apologize?
You said some really harsh things, little girl.
I am here to apologize.
Good.
I’m sorry that every time Rachel leans up to kiss you
it endangers her life because that much craning could snap her neck in half.
I’m sorry that you can’t visit your family members back on the farm
because I know you feel homesick every time you watch a cow get milked.
And I’m really sorry that you and I share the same bra size.
Hey Santana, when you gonna tell everyone you’re gay?
Oh and that you’re also in love with Brittany.
[School bell rings]
Finn?
Hey, Kurt.
Can I have a brotherly talk with you?
I totally forgot we were brothers.
I’m not claiming to be the Gay Guru nor am I justifying what Santana said...
but what you just did was extremely inappropriate.
But she was calling me all of those mean names.
She had it coming.
Finn, were any of those things she said about you true?
Well, no but-
Exactly. They weren’t true.
Sticks and stones, Finn.
What Santana said was rude, yes, but you just told everybody something that only Santana had the right to tell.
You’re supposed to be a leader,Finn.
You’re supposed to rise above haters, not stoop to their level.
Why are you here, Quinn?
I was in the neighborhood and I decided to stop by.
You live eighteen miles away from here.
I came to steal--I mean, drop a present off for....
You forgot her name didn’t you?
Give me a break.
Quinn, I know about the things you put into my apartment in order to
sabotage me so you could have Beth taken away.
How did you find out?
You had a sign pointing to the toilet that read, “Wash baby here!”
Am I the only one who thinks this story line is stupid?
Nope.
I’m guessing you’re here because of that video regarding Santana.
She hasn’t stopped crying since it aired.
It was super mean and I want payback.
I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do-
I have an idea.
[Paparazzi/Stand by me mash-up set to Lady Gaga's Paparazzi music]
[Singing] We are the crowd.
We're c-coming out.
Got my flash on it's true. Need that picture of you it's so magical.
We'd be so fantastic-oh.
Leather and jeans.
Garage glamorous.
Not sure what it means, but this photo of us it don't have a price.
Ready for those falshin' lights.
So darlin' darlin' stand by me.
Oh, stand by me. (Papa paparazzi)
Oh, stand now. Stand by me. Stand by me. (Papa paparazzi)
Oh, stand by me. Oh, stand by me. (Papa paparazzi)
Oh, stand now. Stand by me. Stand by me. (Papa paparazzi)
I'm your biggest fan I'll follow you until you love me. (Papa paparazzi)
Baby there's no other superstar! (you know that I'll be your papa paparazzi)
Oh, stand by me. Oh, stand by me. (Stand by me papa paparazzi)
Oh, stand now. Stand by me. Stand by me. (Stand by me papa paparazzi)
Stand by me.
[Applause]
That was a great performance.
Not only the school, but everyone knows about me!
Well, I was kinda doing you a favor if you think about it.
This way you don’t have to come out now.
The hard part’s over right?
[Punch noises]
[Finn groans in pain]
[Kurt sings] Can’t say I didn’t warn yooooou.
And welcome back to Sue’s Corner.
On this segment we will be addressing Douchebags.
And I’m not talking about the lady kind.
I’m talking about a small minded, freakishly tall, man-boy who thinks he always know best.
Finn Hudson.
We have a video of Pea Brain Hudson
that reveals a part of himself that he might not want others to know about.
Now, it’s not my place to show such a video.
But, in the words of someone almost as great as me, “Payback’s a bitch.”
[Drunkenly sings] DON'T STOP! BELIEVING AH!
HOLD ON TO THAT FEEEELING!
STREET LIGHTS! PEOPLEEEE OOOOOH AHRGH!
I bet you didn’t want people knowing about that did you, Hudson?
And you have your new class president to thank for it.
No one messes with my bitch.
No one!
Unicorn (Gotcha)
Subtitles by the Amara.org community