Hi! Welcome to The Silver Spleen.
My name is Melanie Griffith,
and this is my review of
THE STOLEN YEARS.
THE STOLEN YEARS
is the latest film from Barbara Wong.
She directed THE BREAKUP CLUB
and THE ALLURE OF TEARS.
And I watched THE STOLEN YEARS anyway.
A couple gets married.
They're happy.
So happy that they're kissing on a moped.
And they get hit by a truck.
When the woman wakes up, it's five years later.
And she's not waking up from the first accident.
She's had another accident.
And she can't remember sh*t.
All she remembers is that she really loves her husband.
But... she discovers that she's divorced!
The first thing she does is to go to her
ex-husband's house,
and say that she has nowhere to go,
and so shouldn't she be able to stay with him?
You know the guy that divorced her?
He says yes,
which proves that he also has a f@#$ing head injury.
She sets out to win his heart back
from his nasty girlfriend.
Just like A WEDDING INVITATION.
Which stars the same f@#$ing actress.
She starts to piece her life back together out of this
fog of amnesia.
Turns out she was a b*tch.
At home and at work.
But it doesn't matter.
They rekindle their love,
which overcomes amnesia.
Just like THE VOW.
The man, now in love again,
or maybe that head injury is acting up,
proposes to her.
Exactly like this YouTube video.
And believe me I do mean just like.
But wait. She's become... forgetful.
She can't remember things. They see a doctor.
It turns out that the accident-
the first one or the second one? Who f@#in' knows?
- has given her Alzheimer's disease.
But she's so young...and they're so in love...
and there's no cure.
How can Alzheimer's be so cruel?
Well, why don't you ask the Korean film
A MOMENT TO REMEMBER?
It's the same f@#$in' story.
But wait!
She can have an operation
that will either cure her, or paralyze her.
Because A)
Sure, they have operations that fix Alzheimer's disease.
Oh wait.
They don't have operations for Alzheimer's disease.
But to find that out,
you would have to go on the web
and wade through medically dense web sites,
like f@#$in' Wikipedia.
But hey, since we're just makin' stuff up for a movie,
there's no reason that you can't have an operation
to cure Alzheimer's, just like there's no reason
that that operation
could totally involve a part of the brain
that would paralyze you if you-
Whoops! Made a slippy-do!
Because who gives a sh*t about plausibility
when all you're really trying to do
is jerk a few more tears outta your audience.
"This brain operation might paralyze me"
is exactly the same thing as saying
"I'm gettin' my appendix out,
but it might cost me my leg."
So, is she cured or is she paralyzed?
Guess which one happens?
People don't bring up the risk of paralysis in a movie
unless...they get f@#$in' paralyzed.
But it does appear to cure her Alzheimer's,
because now she doesn't seem so forgetful
as a quadriplegic.
Well, it's either that or the scriptwriter f@#$ed up;
you be the judge.
So this poor, wonderful, long-suffering woman
starts a slow physical decline, testing not only her
ex-but-nearly-second husband's love,
but the audience's patience as well.
Because by now, we're well over 90 minutes,
chuggin' along towards 2 hours.
She's not getting better, she's getting worse.
She doesn't wanna live this way,
and she doesn't want to be a burden.
Like THE STOLEN YEARS.
She asks her ex-but-nearly-second husband
to do something for her.
What is it? Watch MILLION DOLLAR BABY,
it's the same Godd@mn thing
that happens in that movie.
What a load of sh*t.
THE STOLEN YEARS?
This stupid f@#$in' movie stole two hours of my life.
I'm never watching a Barbara Wong movie again.
I said it, I recorded it,
and I swear on my mother's parole
I'm gonna keep that promise,
'cause otherwise I'm gonna end up
[censored] somebody.
This movie was supposed to be a tearjerker,
but I felt like it was jerkin' somethin' else.
And not in a good way. Now all that said,
some of my friends have enjoyed this film,
and if you can watch it and enjoy it,
more power to ya.
I don't happen to be one of those people,
and I'm not gonna denigrate
people that did enjoy the film.
I might denigrate the dingbats that made this movie,
but if you watch the movie and you enjoy it, go ahead,
'cause you know what?
I love the movie YELLOWBEARD,
okay, so who am I to talk?
When this movie comes out on DVD and BluRay...
I'm not updatin' the f@#$in' description! F@#$ that.
I'm tellin' you I hated this Godd@mn movie
and I cannot in good conscience
recommend anybody watch it,
much less buy the f@#$in' thing.
If you enjoyed this review, leave me a comment.
If you didn't enjoy it, please tell Barbara Wong
so she can watch my movie and cry.
Then we'll be even.
Why not subscribe, because let's face it,
when the stroke comes down, you don't wanna miss it!