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Hello and welcome to Little Learners. In today's video I want to discuss tantrums.
I know that word just strikes fear in anyone who looks after small children but it's something
we really need to talk about. So let's discuss why they happen and what we can do about them.
Before we get started don't forget to click that subscribe button to see more videos like this and
join the Little Learners family, and if you do find this video helpful please give it a 'like' ['ding' sound effect]
as it really helps out the channel. So when we talk about 'tantrums' or 'temper tantrums', what do
we mean? When children get to the age of 1 to 3, they start to develop their communication
and language skills. Their understanding is a lot more developed than their speaking skills,
so they understand what's happening and what they want but they can't necessarily communicate that
to an adult with words. They're also discovering their own will, so they've discovered that actually,
they can do things that they want to do rather than what an adult tells them to do: 'an adult
told me to go and sit on that chair but I actually don't have to'. So children are really developing
this sense of self and their communication and language skills. When something happens that they
are upset about or frustrated about, angry about, it's very, very difficult for them to self-regulate.
They can't communicate what they want a lot of the time because they don't have those speaking skills
or those communication skills which is extremely frustrating. Or, if they are trying to explain what
they want, the adult doesn't understand because of that kind of barrier with communication
and that makes them feel even more frustrated. Children can also be very upset when they are
told 'No'. So if they want a biscuit and an adult has said 'no we're not having any more biscuits' but
they want it, that can make them feel really, really frustrated. Now I just want to make it very clear
that this is a really normal part of development it is something that all children will go through,
whether or not they have lots of tantrums or very few depends on the child but this is a
normal part of development, this is not a child being naughty or a child trying to manipulate you.
This is all part of their development. So let's think about what's happening for that child when a
temper tantrum happens. When a child is having this tantrum it really is just them feeling completely
overwhelmed by this emotion that they're having, so anger, frustration, being upset, are totally normal
emotions and not something for you to tell your child off about. So if they are frustrated, that's
okay! Everyone gets frustrated sometimes. If they are angry, that's okay! We all get angry sometimes.
They aren't bad emotions, they're just emotions, and children don't know how to deal with them yet, so
when they're saying they want something and you're saying 'no', that is really frustrating and because
they don't know how to deal with that emotion yet, it does come out in this emotional outburst where
they are screaming and crying and really working themselves up, where they they just don't know what
to do with all of this frustration and anger. They may also start throwing things or hitting things
because this frustration and anger comes out physically then, and this is all very normal. So
what do we do when children are having tantrums? A very old-fashioned way of dealing with it was
to tell children off, to tell them that they're being silly or to shout at them. Of course we know
that this is not the way to deal with a tantrum and actually co-regulation is really important.
So as children can't regulate their own emotions very well yet and don't know how to deal with this
very powerful emotion of frustration or anger, we need to help them understand how to do it, so
that's 'co-regulation'. So if a child is getting very frustrated and they're shouting and they're upset
then it's important for the adult in the situation to acknowledge how
they're feeling, so saying, 'You're feeling angry aren't you?' or 'I know you're feeling frustrated'.
Now when children are very young of course they don't necessarily know what that means
but as time goes on they'll start to understand those words and recognise those words, but the way
you say it is also very important, so staying very calm, coming down to their level, letting
them know that you understand how they're feeling and that you are staying calm because as long as
you stay calm there is this constant and this safe environment for them, because they already feel
like they are surrounded by chaos because of how they're feeling and so if you are there
being calm and offering this safe space, that is really, really important and shows them how
you can deal with your emotions. So it's important to let them know that you understand how they're
feeling and it's also important if you've set a boundary and they're upset about that boundary,
to keep that boundary. So if you have said they cannot have that biscuit, you cannot give in and
it's very, very difficult to hold that sometimes because you don't like seeing your child so upset
or you are getting really frustrated, it can be very overwhelming for an adult to be around a
child who's having a tantrum but it's so important to keep that boundary and let the child know that
you understand how they're feeling and you can't let them have this thing that they want.
So when you tell them that you understand how they're feeling they'll probably still be very
angry so you can offer a hug, so maybe they will be comforted by having a hug and you understanding
how they feel, you can offer a distraction so maybe you might get a book and say 'Let's sit down and
read a book together,' or 'Let's go and play with this toy together,' so that they can be distracted
from this very overwhelming feeling. If that doesn't work then you can also - as long as they're
in a safe space - just say 'Okay, I'm going to sit over here,' so still near them 'and I'll be here when
you're ready and you just come and tell me what what you need, and I'll be here for you', and you
can keep going back to them but just letting them know that you're there and you are calm and a safe
space is really important, and sometimes tantrums just have to go on until they're finished and
it is a horrible situation to be in and there are as I've said things you can do
to try and help children but especially when they first start having tantrums it can be
really difficult because they're often too young to understand a lot of what you're saying,
and don't understand why they can't have this thing that they want that sometimes they can have.
It's a very difficult concept that sometimes they can have a biscuit and that's fine and other times
they ask for one and they're not allowed it, that's that's really, really difficult. Of course other
things come into it as well like being tired, so I know myself that with my son who is almost 2, he
gets a lot more overwhelmed by his feelings when he's tired and that is something that I think
a lot of parents do recognise in their children. It's also really important for you to look after
yourself. So as I said it can be very overwhelming when you're around a child who's having a tantrum.
You can feel like you're having a sensory overload and so it's important for you, if you're starting
to feel that you can't stay calm, to - as long as the child is safe - just step away for a moment,
take a breath and kind of gain your composure so that you can go back and deal with the child
calmly. If there's someone else there with you you can say to them, 'You know what, I just need
to step out for a moment, do you mind taking over for a minute?' and that is fine. There is
no shame in admitting that you are finding this very difficult and that as the adult
you need to take a breather because as an adult you know how to regulate your own emotions and
that is eventually what children will understand how to do. Things that you want to avoid during
an episode of a tantrum are things like shouting at the child, telling the child that they're being
silly or they are being ridiculous, or just they shouldn't be feeling that way or stop crying, stop
shouting, those kind of things because that's not validating how they're feeling at all and it also
teaches them that these are bad emotions and we want to tell children that while these emotions
don't feel nice they are normal, and I think it's important to remember also that these emotions
don't feel nice and to acknowledge that, you know, this is a horrible feeling, it's a very big
feeling for such a little child. We also don't want to bribe children out of a tantrum. So you may have
seen parents in the past, especially in public because it can feel really really embarrassing
when a child is having a tantrum everyone's looking at you, and it can feel really horrible,
so you may have seen a parent say 'Well if you stop and stand up then I'll go and get you some sweets',
and you know, that desperation of not wanting everyone to be looking at you and judging you and
you think that everyone thinks you're the worst parent in the world - which, by the way, they don't -
that is definitely something I've seen and something that you don't want to do because then
you're kind of rewarding that behaviour and it's not behaviour that we really necessarily want to
reward, we just want to show affection and show that we understand, that we are here for them.
So I hope that that has very quickly kind of summed up tantrums for you, why they happen and how
we can deal with them. If you have any questions then please leave them in the comments below, if
you have any tips for other parents and caregivers please leave those in the comments below as well.
Don't forget to click that subscribe button give this video a like ['ding' sound effect] if you found it helpful.
Thank you so much for watching and I will see you next time.
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