WELCOME, MY FRIENDS, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND I WANT TO WISH--
A HAPPY FRIDAY TO YOU ALL.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAVE BIG WEEKEND PLANS, BUT I HAVE HUGE
PLANS TO NOT DO SQUAT, BECAUSE OF THE PANDEMIC.
WHICH HAS, OF COURSE, FUNDAMENTALLY CHANGED THE WAY
WE ALL LIVE.
IN FACT, RESEARCHERS ANALYZED AMERICANS' GOOGLE SEARCHES FOR
THE PAST TWO YEARS AND FOUND SOME INTERESTING TRENDS.
FOR EXAMPLE, SHORTLY AFTER THE PANDEMIC BEGAN, PEOPLE STARTED
TO LOOK FOR NEW LEISURE ACTIVITIES, WHICH LEAD TO
A SURGE OF INTEREST IN ROLLER SKATES AND CARD GAMES.
OH, NO BETTER TIME TO LEARN ROLLER SKATING-- THE HOSPITALS
ARE ALL SO EMPTY.
( LAUGHTER )
STARTED SEARCHING FOR CAR PARTS AND POWER TOOLS.
FOLLOWED QUICKLY BY A SEARCH FOR "LOST FINGER IN FAN BELT, COMMA,
HOW TO FIND."
SOME TRENDS AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE ANY TIME SOON.
FOR EXAMPLE, RESEARCHERS SAY A STRONG DEMAND FOR TEQUILA AND
SWEATPANTS ARE HERE TO STAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I DON'T KNOW.
I ACTUALLY THINK THAT'S A LITTLE SAD, HONESTLY.
TWO YEARS IN, AND PEOPLE ARE STILL WEARING SWEATPANTS?
AT HOME, I'M FULL WINNIE THE POOH.
( LAUGHTER )
TO BE THOUGHTFUL ABOUT THEIR PANDEMIC HABITS, SUCH AS FRIEND
OF THE SHOW AND SELF-AWARE TABLECLOTH, REESE WITHERSPOON.
( LAUGHTER )
INSTAGRAMMED SOME HABITS SHE'S TRYING TO GET INTO, INCLUDING
START THE DAY WITH A BIG GLASS OF WATER, GET 10 MINUTES OF
OUTDOOR LIGHT.
IN BED BY 10:00 P.M.
NO LATE-NIGHT TV BINGES.
ACTUALLY, I DON'T WANT TO CORRECT YOU, BUT THE C.D.C.
RECOMMENDS GETTING AT LEAST ONE HOUR OF LATE-NIGHT TV DAILY, ANY
TIME BETWEEN 11:30 AND 12:30 ON CBS.
I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO'S SKEPTICAL.
SO IS Q.C.A. TV CHEF INA GARTEN, SEEN HERE EXPLAINING TO THE
NARCOTICS OFFICER, "NO, I'M JUST GROWING TOMATOES."
( LAUGHTER )
WITH HER OWN LIST OF SLIGHTLY-MORE-ATTAINABLE GOALS:
STAY UP LATE WATCHING ADDICTIVE STREAMING SERIES, STAY IN BED IN
THE MORNING PLAYING SUDOKU INSTEAD OF READING A GOOD BOOK.
AND DRINK MORE LARGE COSMOS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GOAL.
BECAUSE FOR INA, A LARGE COSMO IS A STEP DOWN FROM HER USUAL.
( LAUGHTER )
HEALTH ADVICE, I'D GO TO www.nowhere-on-the-internet.ever
THE WEB IS FULL OF LIES ABOUT COVID, AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL
ABOUT THE LATEST NONSENSE IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF
"DISINFORMATION STATION."
>> DR. FAUCI WILL TURN YOUR GUNS INTO SOY MILK.
>> Stephen: THE FIRST BIT OF CRAZY COMES BY WAY OF ANTI-VAX
NUT JOB CHRISTOPHER KEY, SEEN HERE IN A PORN KNOCKOFF OF "THE
MATRIX."
( LAUGHTER )
STRATEGY FOR KEEPING CORONAVIRUS AT BAY WHEN HE URGED HIS
FOLLOWERS TO DRINK THEIR OWN URINE TO AVOID COVID.
SOUNDS SILLY, BUT THERE IS SOME SCIENCE TO IT:
IF EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU DRINK YOUR OWN PEE, THEY'LL STAY AT
LEAST SIX FEET AWAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HERE'S MR. KEY MAKING HIS CASE: >> THE ANTIDOTE THAT WE HAVE
SEEN NOW-- AND WE HAVE TONS AND TONS OF RESEARCH-- IS URINE
THERAPY.
OKAY, AND I KNOW TO A LOT OF YOU THIS SOUNDS CRAZY BUT, GUYS,
GOD'S GIVEN US EVERYTHING WE NEED.
EVERYBODY ALWAYS SAID I'M CRAY-CRAY, AND I AM, BUT I'M
CRAZY LIKE A FOX, OKAY?
>> Stephen: ACTUALLY, FOXES DON'T DRINK THEIR OWN URINE, BUT
IF IT HELPS, YOU'RE DEFINITELY CRAZY ENOUGH TO BE ON FOX.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
CHRIS KEY--
CHRIS KEY WAS CAREFUL TO NOT OVERSELL HIS CREDENTIALS:
>> I'M NOT A MEDICAL DOCTOR.
I'M NOT TELLING ANYONE TO DRINK THEIR OWN URINE, BUT I DRINK MY
OWN URINE, AND I'VE DRANK MY OWN URINE FOR THE LAST 23 YEARS, AND
I'M STILL ALIVE.
>> Stephen: I THINK THIS IS A GOOD TIME TO POINT OUT, JUST
BECAUSE SOMETHING DOESN'T KILL YOU, DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD
DO IT.
EVERY DAY FOR THREE DECADES, I'VE SHOT MYSELF IN THE TAINT
WITH A STAPLE-GUN.
STILL ALIVE.
I JUST WISH I WAS DEAD.
BUT DON'T WORRY, KEY ASSURED HIS FANS THAT HE DOESN'T ONLY DRINK
UINE: >> AND I DRINK BLEACH.
( LAUGHTER )
AND CHLORINE.
I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
ARE YOU JUST DRINKING THE CONTENTS OF A PUBLIC SWIMMING
POOL?
( AS CHRIS KEY )
YOU?
LOOSE BANDAIDS."
LASTLY COVID-19 IS BRINGING BACK ONE OF THE OLDEST AND STRANGEST
FAKE CURES, COLLOIDAL SILVER.
HRE'S HOW IT WORKS: IT DOESN'T.
BUT THAT HASN'T STOPPED RIGHT WINGERS LIKE CANDACE OWENS FROM
PROMOTE, IT.
>> I TAKE COLLOIDAL SILVER EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I LOVE COLLOIDAL SILVER.
THAT IS A GREAT ONE AND PROBABLY ANOTHER ONE PEOPLE KNOW NOTHING
ABOUT.
>> Stephen: PEOPLE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THAT ONE AND WHEN
IT COMES TO KNOWING NOTHING, SHE'S AN EXPERT.
THOSE WHO DO KNOW ABOUT COLLOIDAL SILVER KNOW ONE OF THE
SIDE EFFECTS CAN BE ARGYRIA, WHICH CAN TURN ONE'S SKIN THE
SHADE OF BLUE-GRAY.
FORGET NICKI MINAJ'S FRIEND.
TAKE THIS STUFF AND YOU CAN HAVE ACTUAL BLUE BALLS.
JIMMY, DO WE HAVE A PHOTO OF SOMEBODY WHO ACTUALLY TURNED
THEMSELVES LUE WITH CULL COLLOIDAL SILVER?
>> I HAVE TO SAY THAT NEW AVATAR SEQUEL DOES NOT LOOK GOOD.
SPEAKING OF SCAM ARTISTS, IT HAS BEEN A WHILE SINCE WE HAVE HEARD
FROM MIKE LINDELL.
LINDELL HAS BEEN CLINGING TO HIS BELIEF THAT THE 2020 ELECTION
WAS RIGGED TIGHTER THAN HE CLINGS TO HIS PILLOW.
AND IN AN INTERVIEW RECENTLY, HE MADE AN EXTRAORDINARY CLAIM
ABOUT HOW MANY FOLKS ARE INVOLVED.
>> I'M MORE OPTIMISTIC TODAY THAN I HAVE BEEN YESTERDAY, THE
DAY BEFORE THAT.
I'M ON AN INCLINE LIKE THIS.
WHY?
BECAUSE IT'S SO AMAZING, ALL THE THINGS THAT WE HAVE.
WE ALREADY HAVE ALL THE PIECES OF THE PUZZLE.
WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT EVIDENCE, WE HAVE ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO PUT
EVERYBODY IN PRISON FOR LIFE, 300-AND-SOME-MILLION PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: 300 MILLION PEOPLE?
THAT'S OVER 90% OF THE COUNTRY THIS CONSPIRACY DOESN'T JUST GO
ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP.
IT GOES TO THE BOTTOM AND THE SIDES.
THERE ARE 332 MILLION PEOPLE IN AMERICA, INCLUDING KIDS.
SO IF YOU DO THE MATH, THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE THAT LINDELL
HAS IDENTIFIED AS CULPABLE HERE IS EVERY AMERICAN AGED SEVEN
AND UP.
( APPLAUSE )
SO, SORRY, SIX-YEAR-OLDS: YOUR PARENTS, GRANDPARENTS, AND OLDER
SIBLINGS ARE ALL GOING TO JAIL FOR LIFE.
YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
HERE'S THE CONCH, GET PIGGY.
CLEARLY, 300 MILLION OF US WILL BE GOING TO PRISON-- THE PILLOW
SALESMAN SAID SO.
I GOTTA START WORKING OUT, GET ALL PRISON HARD.
WHEN WE DO GET THERE, IT'S GOING TO BE A BIT CRAMPED, BECAUSE
THE FEDERAL PRISON POPULATION IS ABOUT 158,000 AT THE MOMENT,
MEANING THAT EACH CURRENTLY SERVING PRISONER WOULD NOW NEED
TO SHARE THEIR CELL WITH 1,900 OTHER PEOPLE.
OKAY, SO, YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO CALL TOP BUNK EARLY.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS COREY STOLL.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE."
STICK AROUND.