Do you ever find yourself stuck in a escalating pattern of negativity in your relationships or do you find yourself constantly
Punishing and correcting your child? Today we're going to talk about the relationship ratio and how to best influence others in a positive way.
When I worked in residential treatment, I had a client who I'll call Andi who
Always seemed to be getting into trouble. It seemed like she was almost intentionally trying to get under the staff's skin
She'd be late to school or she'd hold up the group by not getting her chores done
or she'd intentionally do something disruptive to the community and when the staff weren't watching her she'd pull the other kids into
conversations about drugs or sex. During our weekly treatment team meeting the staff would vent their
Frustrations about Andi. They were getting really upset and worked up about it
So they decided to respond with a little bit more strictness, so they decreased the amount of downtime
she had, they increased her supervision and they decreased some of her privileges. Now these restrictions on her free time were probably
appropriate and logical consequences
But the next week when we came back to treatment team we found that they weren't helping her behaviors improve
Instead her behaviors were getting worse. She started to sneakily self-harm, and when we did allow her to go on shopping outings
She tried to shoplift
she even stole the chef's nutmeg and tried to get high from it. And she started lying to her parents and her therapist about how
Things were going. So since the staff had her on their radar. They were even quicker to apply a consequence
So they stopped letting her go on outings
But the more they corrected her the worse her behaviors became after a few weeks of this
We finally realized that we were contributing to the problem
the more we corrected and punished and controlled, the worse her behaviors became. Our focus on the negative was
Contributing to the very problems that we said we wanted to correct. The harder
We tried to fix the problem the more we fed it. Today we're going to talk about the relationship ratio.
John Gottman a famous researcher who loves to quantify relationships has found that healthy relationships have a ratio of at least five
Positive interactions for every one negative interaction. While differences and conflict are normal and natural for every relationship,
in healthy relationships these difficulties are mixed in with a healthy dose of positive interactions,
Even while discussing conflict. Our brains are wired to avoid danger
that means that our brains are attuned to notice anything that may
Be negative or threatening, and it's gonna have a strong emotional and physiological
Reaction to that negativity. Since it's biologically easier for us to notice the negative
It takes intentional effort to create a relationship where we have a higher ratio of positive
Interactions. That positive five to one ratio isn't something that just happens we have to intentionally create an environment where that's possible.
Also negative interactions have a much stronger impact on us. So we have to intentionally create powerful positive
Interactions. Stephen Covey called this the relationship bank account. Meaning that every time we have a positive interaction
It's like investing money into that bank account
then if we need to make a request or if we mess up as long as we have enough funds in that account our
Relationship stays healthy, even if we have to make some withdrawals.
But if our interactions have too much negativity if there are too many withdrawals like
criticism and punishment and correction then suddenly our bank account gets
Overdrawn and we aren't able to have the influence on our spouse or child that we'd like to have.
So how do we create a cycle that keeps that relationship bank account full and healthy?
We have to go out of our way to invest regularly. Here's a few things we can do: make sure to express appreciation
Daily, include praise as a frequent part of your interaction. Catch them doing good.
Tell them the things you like about them be really specific about what you acknowledge as their positive attributes. Give them of your time.
Make sure to have regular positive interactions.
This includes simple things like eating dinner together or asking them about their day- Making sure to go to their activities with them or
Making sure to listen to them. Make positive family rituals. This could include daily activities like family prayer or family dinner,
Weekly activities like family game night, or annual activities like holidays,
Vacations, or or trips to the family cabin. When you do have to make a correction or a complaint make sure to do it gently
be as kind and as positive about it as possible. These Corrections or requests can actually turn out to be a
Deposit to the relationship bank account when they're done with love. If you're having a difficult
Interaction with your spouse and your spouse reaches out and holds your hand and says
"Gosh, this is really difficult. But I think we can work through it together"
You'll likely feel better because their display of affection
shows you that you're on the same team that they're not out to get you. And that
can turn out to be something that strengthens rather than weakens the relationship. Another way to
Improve your relationship bank account is to apologize often- make repairs quickly and frequently when necessary.
It's also important to show love in their love language
So I made another video on this and there's five main love languages-find out what your partner's love language is and
show love to them in a way that they find natural and easy for them. Give your person positive attention
Don't wait for something to go wrong before you pay attention to them.
Make sure that you are creating these situations where you can have positive interactions with them and you're showing them
they're really important to you. Most people would rather be noticed even in a negative way then be ignored
So make sure to give your spouse or child positive attention
So that they don't need to act out to get attention in any way possible
I've noticed this with my three-year-old
So if I'm giving a lot of attention to the baby
Then my three-year-old will start acting out maybe even in dangerous ways to get attention
Even if it's correcting attention
So at times she would evenhit her sister just to get me to interact with her in an intense way
So if we go back to the story of Andi in residential treatment that same pattern was happening
She was looking for an intense connection with the staff and the only way she knew how to get that was through these negative behaviors
When she felt empty or lonely it was habitual for her to act out to get that strong connection
When she did act out our staff were kind and gentle and they'd have a long
conversation with her and so her behaviors (her acting out negative behaviors) were actually an attempt to
Connect with our staff and our staff were responding by connecting, but in a really negative way.
So to change that dynamic we had to intentionally take a step back
look at our part in this dynamic in this cycle and
Find ways to create positive interactions with Andi. One of the ways we did this was by setting a rule for ourselves
That we weren't allowed to correct or punish or give a consequence to Andi until we'd had five
positive interactions with her. So the staff were making sure to create these experiences where she was feeling loved and cared about
Without that negative behavior. Within a week of doing this
We saw a rapid decrease in her negative behaviors. When her negative behaviors calmed down
We were able through therapy to help her learn new skills and new
Ways to manage her loneliness so that she didn't have to do those negative behaviors anymore. By the end of her stay
She no longer had need for those negative interactions and the staff could honestly say that she was pleasant to be around
So if you want to have a more positive and stable relationship take the time to create a relationship
ratio of at least five positive interactions for every one negative interaction that's going to help you and your loved one feel closer and
When needed you'll have that relationship bank account when you need to make a request or a correction. I hope this video was helpful
Thanks for watching and take care!
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