(ringing)
- All right, I've been alone in this apartment a few days.
I could use some human conversation,
so let's call up Roy Wood Jr and see what he's up to
with the magic of technology.
(ringing)
Yo, Roy, what's going on?
- Yo.
Yo.
How is it going over there, man?
- I missed your face, man.
This is fun.
- I'm all right, man, I'm doing okay over here.
My three year old flushed a full bar
of soap down the toilet,
so for about 14 hours we didn't have nowhere to take a dump.
You ever have to pray you don't have to take a dump
'cause you know you can't?
This is the worst time to need another bathroom
other than your-
- Wait, so your son flushed soap down the toilet?
- Not soap, don't say soap.
It's a bar of soap.
A whole ass bar of soap, brand new,
and it got clogged in the corner.
So I went on Twitter asking questions-
- So why didn't you just pull it out?
- 'Cause it's down under there.
You know the toilet goes down, up and down.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, so that thing.
Okay, yeah, that thing.
- So the soap was there, so I couldn't get-
- Right.
- So I had to ...
A hanger, I tried- (child yelling)
- Is that him?
- Yeah, man.
(Trevor laughing)
- You know, dude,
the only thing worse than coronavirus
is having coronavirus shutdown and kids at the same time.
I have never been happier to not have a child in my life.
(Trevor laughing)
- Just yells for no reason.
(Trevor laughing)
- Does he even understand what the shutdown is?
Does he understand self distancing?
- No, he thinks this is spring break.
He keeps waking up, he goes, "School?"
And I go, "No school."
And he goes, "Yeah, there ain't no school!"
And then I make grilled cheese sandwiches all morning.
Grilled cheese and apples every morning.
- Man, I feel sorry for you.
I'm sorry. - How you doing?
- I'm good, I'm great.
I won't lie.
I'm worried about people,
I don't know where the world is going.
I'll tell you the biggest stress I have
is that I don't know if I have corona or not
because you don't show symptoms. I don't know if I have it.
What if I already had it
and maybe I don't have it anymore, do you know what I mean?
And then I'm immune, I could be in the streets,
but now I don't know 'cause I can't get tested.
You can't get tested unless you really show symptoms,
so I don't know.
So yeah, that's the only frustrating thing for me.
- It's like a lot of famous people getting tested,
that's what it seems like.
Seem like what you need to do,
you need to do what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna join the NBA.
That's how I'm gonna get my test.
I already thought about this.
I already ordered a jersey and everything.
- What are you saying?
- If you want to get tested for corona
join the NBA.
NBA show a symptom, they tested immediately.
They tested all of the Utah Jazz,
they tested all of the Oklahoma City Thunder.
- Yeah, yeah, the Brooklyn Nets I think, what,
four players got tested?
Or no, four players were confirmed.
Yeah, they tested everybody.
- Yeah!
So if you want to get a test ...
Looking on the TV all I see are these corona tests
and people are lining up at 6:00 in the morning.
The testing doesn't start till 9:00.
You don't even get there that early for Jordans.
You get to the mall an hour before it opens for Jordans
and people are there four hours.
That's how dire this is.
- The way you just said it
makes it sound like corona testing is gonna be the new swag.
- Yeah, corona-
- Like rappers are gonna be in their videos like,
"Yeah, got that corona test.
"Got all corona tests.
"Bugattis and corona tests." - Yeah, with the N95 masks on.
With an N95 mask on they face.
(Trevor laughing)
- "You ain't got no mask.
"Bitch I got a mask." - "Got that corona test.
"Yo whoa corona."
(Roy laughing)
Wait, but now if you say celebrities get it
then how come we haven't gotten the tests?
- I think this is,
if there's ever a time to confirm whether or not
you're an A list celebrity
- Wow.
- This is the time.
'Cause you look at the celebrities that's got it,
top shelf.
Idris Elba,
Tom- - Tom hanks.
Yeah.
- The people that are bonafide stars.
- Wow.
- If you doing Hallmark movies you might not get a test.
They might just not ...
I'm nervous.
I'm gonna be honest, this is myself included.
(Trevor laughing)
You might be good.
- Oh, man.
I haven't gotten the test though, so I mean-
- But I'm saying if we was both in line
to get the corona test and the swab lady
came down the line, she'd be like, "Oh, Trevor Noah, come."
And I'd be like, "What about me?" And she'd be like,
"No, Anthony Anderson, I don't watch 'Blackish.'"
(Trevor laughing)
That's what would happen.
- Oh man.
Oh.
Oh, dude.
I hope you're wrong.
I heard too many people are trying to get the test,
so maybe that's a good thing, I don't know.
Maybe they should send every NBA player/movie star
that gets tested has to bring a friend
to get tested with them.
Maybe that's how we get the thing to everybody.
- I probably should wear,
I got more baseball gear in my house than basketball,
and I know that for sure I have enough
to make three fourths of a Chicago Cubs uniform.
Like I have a hat, I have a glove, I have a jersey,
I have cleats, I just need pants.
- Then who are you gonna be on the team?
When they say, "Oh, you play for the Chicago Cubs?"
Who are you gonna say you are?
- They probably won't believe I play baseball
'cause I'm black.
There ain't but eight of us left.
I probably got to learn Spanish
and trick them into thinking I'm Dominican.
Look, I'm just hoping that we continue to remain
alone together and that I don't get any symptoms.
(child yelling)
- Is that?
- Hey, let me go, man.
(child yelling) - Is everything okay?
- This boy, man.
I'm sorry.
- What's going on?
- I'm sorry.
Hey!
Stop eating the toilet tissue!
This boy is eating toilet tissue.
That's like eating money.
That's actually worse than eating money.
Hey, eat this $20 bill!
Don't do that.
- Roy, are you ...
All right, I'll chat to you later.
(child yelling)
Oh, speaking of young people,
Jaboukie Young-White's calling me.
Hold on, hold on.
Let me see if I can record this.
I love Jaboukie.
Yo, Jaboukie,
what's going on, man? - Yo, Trevor, what's up?
How's it going, how's it going?
You holding up?
- Man, I've missed your face, dude, this is crazy.
- Over this beautiful Skype quality.
- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah
- I'm loving this.
I was chatting to Roy yesterday.
His kid is running around the house, it's wild.
I feel like everyone is trying to just stay sane
right now, you know?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's me and my plants.
We're going at it.
- Is that a real plant?
- That's a real plant.
It's my best friend now, his name is Wilson.
- Wilson?
(Trevor laughing) - Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, most of the time I'm fine
but then there's moments where I'm going crazy.
Not being at work there's moments where I'm just like,
"Ah!"
What do you do with ...
Like what are you doing?
- Oh, I'm just obsessively on Twitter,
on Instagram, on Twitter, on Instagram.
Just going back and forth between those two pretty much.
- Yeah, but that's what you normally do.
- Right, but the wifi at work is so much faster.
- Oh, so this is more stressful I guess?
- It's actually been pretty hard on me.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
My retweet to like ratio is down by half.
(Jaboukie sighs)
- Yeah, I guess everyone's got a different corona struggle.
- I've been thinking, like there's so many possibilities
online, like I might get ordained as a minister,
I might adopt a child online.
There's really a lot that I could do.
- You can adopt a child online?
- Yeah.
- Wow, there's so many things about the internet
I feel like you could teach me.
Anyway, fine.
- TikTok.
- Yeah.
We should do a TikTok together, that would be fun.
- (chuckles) Yeah.
- I'm trying to learn,
I see everyone's doing the thing.
That will be cool.
Anyway dude, thanks for calling in.
I was even surprised that you called, that was dope.
- Yeah, I really think it's important
that we check on older people during this time.
So if you need any groceries, prune juice,
metamucil, suppositories,
what was your list? - Jaboukie, I'm not ...
Jaboukie, I think when they say that
they're talking about actual old people.
I'm not old.
I'm basically the same age as you.
When they say old they mean like old old.
I'm not old.
- Yeah.
- I always tell you this.
- Well, that's awesome.
Okay, bye, take your medicine.
- I'm not old.
I'm a millennial.
(ringing)
Desi, hey
- Hi!
- Oh, wow.
So good to see your face.
- Trevor, how you doing?
- I'm self quarantined,
I'm doing what everyone else is doing.
How are you doing?
- Oh, I'm good, I'm great.
We're doing great.
Just a lot of family bonding time, a lot of time together,
which is we don't get that a lot,
so I guess small silver lining in this thing.
So, so much time together.
Just a lot of just being trapped in a one bedroom apartment
with a small child for two weeks, so it's good.
But for such a tight space I'm actually finding
a lot of new places to cry in, so that's good.
- Oh, wow.
Well, look on the bright side,
at least you have people there.
I don't have kids, so it's just me alone at home.
I'm trying to find ways to kill time.
Yesterday I put all my T-shirts on at the same time,
like all of them, that's how lonely I am.
You have your family.
You can spend time with them.
- No, no, no, Trevor, I would love,
I would love to be that lonely right now.
See, when you have a kid you go into it thinking,
"I'm gonna spend an hour tops a day."
Tops.
I'm spending 24 hours a day with him.
It's a lot.
Normally he'd go to school,
he'd come back with a cute story.
Some kid fell down on the playground and he laughed,
it was hilarious.
All of his stories I already know.
I'm in all the stories.
I'm here to see it all.
It's the worst.
- Wow, okay.
I hope he's not hearing you say any of this.
But at school and-
- Go back in your room.
Just go back in your room, buddy.
Go back in your room.
Make mommy a drink.
An old fashioned.
Muddle it.
You got to muddle it.
Use all that upper body strength.
What?
- But other than making drinks,
are you also teaching your kid at home?
'Cause I know a lot of moms and families
have been saying that homeschooling
has been the hardest part of this self distancing process.
Are you homeschooling your kid?
- Yeah, yeah, it's going terribly.
It's horrible.
I'm expected to know all of this stuff
that I'd forgotten about long ago,
like do you even remember learning
about the different types of clouds?
- Yeah.
- Well, he came in and he was like,
"Mommy, my favorite type of cloud is a cum-cum-cumunim."
Cuminim, I don't even know.
- Cumulonimbus?
- Yeah, yeah, that.
I almost spanked him because I thought
he was saying a dirty word.
And then we're supposed to go over the capitals of states.
Do you know the capital of Maine is Augusta?
That's not the way it should be, it should be Maine City.
They should all be like that.
Maine City, Alabama City, Colorado City.
Capital of the United States should be America City.
Shut up, Siri.
Shut up.
So many voices.
There are just so many,
it's just incessant.
- Okay, but here's the thing.
I feel like right now you're feeling it,
but think on the bright side,
after this is done you'll know all the clouds
and you'll learn about all the ...
You'll get to learn the things
that your son is learning in school,
so it's a win-win.
- No, we're not gonna do that anymore.
I'm not doing it anymore. - What?
- No, I'm not gonna homeschool anymore.
None of this stuff is gonna come in handy.
I'm gonna teach him stuff post-corona.
He's gone know what it's like to live post-corona, right?
Like how to MacGyver a mask
out of his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle underwear.
That's gonna come in handy.
How to search for quarters in the dirt, valuable skill.
How to cook a rat with a magnifying glass.
He'll be glad I taught him that.
- Why are you eating rats?
It's just gonna be like a month or-
- You don't know Trevor.
You don't know.
- Yeah, but I feel the things you ...
Look, I hear you, I just think those things
you're teaching him are a little ...
I think it's a little extreme.
- No, he'll thank me later.
He'll thank me later.
(timer ringing)
What?
I'm coming.
I'll be right there.
I got to go.
Sorry, recess is over.
- Oh, fun, what does he do for recess?
- I don't know, recess is for me.
Bye!
- Okay, bye.
Is that ...
Is that vodka?
While we've been going through this corona crisis in America
the Daily Show's Ronny Chieng has been stuck in Australia.
(ringing)
There he is, Ronny Chieng.
- Hey!
What's up, Trevor?
- Oh, man, so good to see you dude.
What's going on?
- I'm okay.
I was actually visiting Australia
when all of this went down.
I came here to pet a koala bear
and all this stuff started happening,
so I'm stuck in a hotel room right now
and I've spent like $2,000 on minibar peanuts.
- Damn.
- Yeah, yeah.
- You got to be careful down there, man.
There are a lot of corona cases down there.
- Yeah, it's increasing just like everywhere,
but don't worry, I've been tested.
- Wait, are you being serious?
You've been tested tested?
- Yeah, I got tested for the corona, yeah.
I just had to walk-
- I can't tell if you're being serious.
Did you really get tested?
- Yeah, I got tested.
Yeah, I got tested.
- Okay, just because you're on TV
or just they're just testing people?
- I think they're just ...
I matched the symptoms because I had a cough
and I just came in from America.
They gave me everything.
They gave me a pap smear, they gave me a pregnancy test.
(Trevor laughing)
I had the whole everything.
I did very exam I could in that place.
- Wow, okay then.
That sounds unnecessary.
I don't know why you did the pregnancy test.
- Oh, but you'll be glad to know
that I'm not pregnant by the way.
- Well, I mean that's obvious.
You would never have been pregnant.
- I'm also not whatever the pap smear test,
I'm not that either.
- I don't think it's testing for a thing to be.
- Well, look-
- Anyway, I'm just saying-
- The point is I'm perfectly healthy.
The point is I'm perfectly healthy.
- Yeah, and the point is it seems like it's really
easy to get tested in Australia,
much easier than it is in America.
It's like it's impossible to get a test out here.
- Yeah, I'm hearing stories.
Again, I haven't been in America for like four weeks now,
but if it makes you feel any better
the corona test doesn't feel great.
They stick that swab way up your nose,
it touches the back of your nasal passage.
It's like an anal probe on your nose man,
it's not good.
- Wait, so they just stick the thing up your nose-
- They stick it up and then they twist it like that.
- Like they're digging your nose for you.
- Yeah, but not ...
It feels like someone's trying to scratch your brain.
- Damn.
Well, that sucks.
Well, I'm sorry man. I'm sorry that you had to get the test.
I'm also sorry that now you're stuck
in a hotel social distancing.
That must be double the pain.
- No, no, I'm fine, man.
I love social distancing.
This is my jam.
I love this stuff.
I get to watch TV all day, eat whatever I want,
wake up whenever I want.
I don't have to wear pants.
I'm not wearing pants right now.
It's the best.
- Yeah, but what about all the people who love you?
You don't get to see them.
- Those people are the worst, by the way.
People who love you, hugging and kissing and rubbing
and every form of affection is like a corona bomb.
No thanks.
- Wow, okay.
So if it was up to you you'd just be interacting
over video calls and stuff?
That would be your life?
- Absolutely.
In fact, when this thing is over
I hope this is the only way we interact.
I don't have to smell your breath,
I don't have to be in contact with your bodily fluids,
and if I get bored I can just pretend
I'm having problems with the wifi.
- Wow.
Okay, that's one way to look at it.
But then what about work and hanging out with your friends?
You always said you loved having lunch with me every day.
- Sorry, Trevor.
I'm sorry, Trevor, the wifi in Australia
is actually really, really bad,
so I can't hear you anymore.
I'll just talk to you later man.
See you later, bye.
- Oh, okay, bye.
(ringing)
- Yo, Costa.
What's going on?
- Good to see you, man.
- Man, it's been so long.
Wow.
Look at you, all corona-
I love you're also growing ...
We're both growing the beards stuck indoors.
- Well, this, Trevor, this is a beard.
You, what, you got a little hair on your face, you know?
- Anyway, I was just calling to see
how you're doing, my friend.
Forgot how much of an asshole you are
and I actually missed you.
What are you keeping up to?
What are you doing?
- I'm enjoying self quarantine, to be honest with you.
I'm taking it as an opportunity to get to know
some of my neighbors.
- Damn, I didn't think you were that kind of guy.
Are you Skyping or are you doing the Italian thing
where you talk across the balconies?
- Yeah, you know, sort of.
I'm just taking a moment,
oh, for instance, this guy Bill across the street,
he puts mustard on his french fries.
That's not something I would ever think to do
but it's actually quite delicious.
- Costa, are you spying on your neighbors?
- Why is this any different than Instagram, okay?
And get this, Trevor, the guy on 4-6,
he showers completely naked.
And this woman in 5A, I think she's a murderer.
She has eight, nine, 10 knives.
Who has that many knives?
They're different shapes and they're different sizes.
That's psycho to me.
- Costa, I think you're talking about cooking knives, man.
- And the weirdest thing, the guy in 7B,
he seems much happier than he was last year at this time.
I think he has a new girlfriend maybe.
- Wait, what do you mean last year?
I thought this was a coronavirus thing.
You've been spying on people for years?
- It's a little hobby, something I do.
- Costa, you got to respect people's privacy.
You can't just do this.
- Oh, relax, Trevor.
Most people are very boring.
For instance, the guy across the street,
all day he sits on his computer
and just video chats with people.
I know it's quarantine time, but get a life, bro.
He's wearing a bomber jacket, kind of similar to yours.
It's pretty nice, but his apartment, his decor,
it all seems very lame to me. (chuckles)
- Wait, he's wearing a ...
- Yeah, he's wearing a blue bomber jacket actually,
similar to-
- Is he waving his arms right now, Costa?
- How did you know that?
And he's got these weird balls behind him.
- God dammit, Costa, you're spying on me!
What are you doing?
- What?
What?
- That's me.
You're spying on me.
That's me, can you see me?
That's me.
What are you doing?
- What are those balls?
Are those like a sex thing or something?
- It's not a sex thing, it's an African thing.
Just put the binoculars down.
Put the thing down.
Stop, this is just,
God dammit.
This is an invasion of ...
After spending all this time at home
the big question I have is
what day is it?
Does anyone even know?
Well, to help me figure it out
I called my good friends Roy Wood Jr, Michael Costa,
and Dulce Sloan, and I think we figured it out.
- Tough question, but I would go with Friday.
It feels late in the week,
plus I'm out of clean underwear at this point.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
It's got to be Sunday, because I'm not in church
but I feel a little guilty about it.
- All of y'all is still stuck in the old school.
I don't even operate in concepts of days anymore.
To me, this week is just one 168 hour long day.
I call it Mondaytuefritaterday.
- Monday what Roy?
- Montuefritaterday.
- Okay, look, I don't know about that.
Here's what I think.
I did a show yesterday,
but I didn't do a show the day before,
so I think that that means yesterday was Monday,
so I think today is Tuesday.
- No, that's ridiculous.
If today's Tuesday, then why am I drunk?
- That's because you have a drinking problem.
- No, you have my drinking problem. (scoffs)
- Man, how the hell are we supposed to know
what day it is anyway?
I'm not even sure if it's today.
It could be yesterday for all I know.
- Wait, I got it.
I had tacos last night, that was usually on Tuesdays,
so that makes today Wederday.
- Wederday?
Roy, were you trying to say Wednesday?
- God damn, it's been so long
I done forgetting how to say the name of the days.
It's Turdsday.
Turdsday.
Yeah.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Guys, I'll just look at my phone.
- Of course, the phone.
Check your phone.
- Yeah, it's Tuesday March 31st?
- Wait, wait, wait.
There is no way it's still March.
- It can't be March.
March finished like a year ago.
- Yeah, that doesn't make sense.
It's got to be at least August by now.
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's Turdsday August 1st, Trevor.
Boom, right in my phone.
- That sounds right to me.
- Me too, mm-hm.
- Okay, well, I guess we figured it out.
Turdsday August 1st, 2023.
Thank you so much guys.
(theme music)