It is not uncommon to feel completely lost and confused
and not know what to do after your spouse has filed for divorce.
For the majority of us, we see it coming.
It doesn't necessarily come out of the blue,
even though we might be shocked and surprised by the time that it happens,
it is rarer for it to come from nowhere and to be completely
sideswiped with divorce papers coming.
But no matter what the situation was that led to where you are now,
it still is hard to experience what you are
experiencing.
And the fact that you may feel devastated,
lost, confused, frustrated, angry,
sad,
overwhelmed with all of these different emotions is completely
normal.
It is not at all abnormal for people right after something like this happens
to question why they even want to get their marriage saved and stand
for their marriage, or even to react in anger. Even though, you know,
deep down inside, that's not going to make anything better.
My name is Kimberly Holmes. I'm the CEO at marriage helper.
And at marriage helper, we work with people in your exact situation.
Every single day,
people are astounded when they hear it.
But the majority of people that we actually work with and help them to save
their marriages are people whose spouses have filed for divorce,
where it seems like all hope is gone.
So if you are in that situation and you're saying, but isn't divorce,
the end, the answer is it's not in fact,
filing of divorce is just an event that happens.
I know that might make it sound like I'm being tried or like I'm downplaying the
circumstance. But on the flip side,
it might be that we up play and overemphasize the impact
that we allow the filing for divorce to have in our lives and in our
situations, because at the end of the day,
it is paperwork that can be shred up,
that can be torn up and that can be thrown out.
And we have seen that happen in the lives of thousands of couples where the
divorce papers have been dismissed.
We have literally seen the husbands or the wives who have filed for
divorce, the ones who were wanting it more than anything.
We have seen them tear it up after they have decided to
stand for and save their marriages. Right now. You want hope like that.
I know that you do. And in this video,
I am going to share with you three things that you can focus on right now,
so that you won't lose hope and so that you can stay focused on what
can happen for you and what you can do to save your marriage and
save your own sanity during the season that you're in first,
be sure that you subscribe to this YouTube channel,
or you can join over a hundred thousand other people who are searching for and
looking for answers to make their marriages better and stronger than they've
ever been before.
You are not alone in this situation that you're in.
I can promise you that also after you subscribed,
be sure to comment below and tell me,
what are the emotions that you have felt after your spouse filed for divorce,
or maybe you are just expecting a divorce to be filed for it,
but maybe it hasn't happened yet.
What are the fears that you have in that comment below and let us know so that
we can have a better understanding of where you are, how you're feeling,
and it will help us to create even more videos that will be centered on what you
need and how we can help you through the time that you are going through right
now. Or maybe you have a friend who is also going through this,
be sure to share this video with them as well.
We would love to spread contagious,
hope on how marriages can be saved.
The first thing to do after your spouse has filed for divorce is to
allow yourself to feel all the feels,
allow yourself to be mad,
allow yourself to cry into an ice cream bucket for a week.
If you need to allow yourself the time and the space to
grieve, I'm not suggesting that you stay there.
I'm not suggesting that you react out of the emotions that you have,
keep them in the privacy of your home.
Try not to take it out on your kids.
Definitely don't take it out on your spouse.
Try not to take it out on other people,
but don't miss your opportunity.
To get these emotions right.
Out either don't act like you have to put up this wall,
this perfect mask that you have to wear,
allow yourself to feel the emotions that you feel without
judgment right now, because it is hard.
What you're going through is painful.
And when you try and stuff, those emotions down,
when you try and put on that perfect face and try to just champion
through, because you're strong and you are strong,
but when you try to negate these feelings by just
trying to put on that perfect face,
then what actually ends up happening is you don't deal with them.
You're just shoving them further down. And as time goes on,
more emotions are going to pile on top of that,
that you're going to try and shove further down and sooner or later,
you don't know when it's going to be, but you're creating a volcano in yourself.
That's going to erupt. And it might be at the most inopportune moment,
it might be in the middle of your child's pre-K graduation.
It might be in the middle of Christmas dinner,
but what you need to understand is that what you are going through right now,
even though a divorce has not happened yet.
But what you're going through right now is loss.
You have lost the security that you had in your marriage.
To some extent you have lost your dream of what you wanted your marriage to
be. Even though I believe that there is still hope for your marriage,
there is still a sense of what you're living in right now.
Isn't what you had hoped for.
And it is okay to grieve that right now.
It's okay to admit to yourself and let yourself sink into the
feeling of the way that things are right now.
Aren't the way that you want them to be.
And to acknowledge that and to realize you don't have to stay here,
but you do need to accept that this is the way that it is right now,
because the more you try and push through the less
you're going to be able to move forward. I'm going to say that again.
The more you try and push through the less
likely you are going to be able to move forward.
I want you to be able to move forward in strength and indignity
and in full confidence that you are accepting and
aware of the situation that you are in right now.
I don't want you to move forward in blind.
Naitivity I don't want you to move forward on false hopes or false
guarantees that some people might promise you of do exactly this and your spouse
will come crawling back to you. I want you to be able to move forward,
knowing that you're going to be okay, no matter what,
but in order for you to get there,
you need to feel all the fields and not judge yourself for it right
now. And you can do that in a way that is productive and healthy for you.
By finding a trusted friend,
a great support group that will walk with you through this time and
give you the encouragement.
You need not tell you the things that they want you to do,
because it's what will make them feel better.
Which leads me to point number two, find community, as I was just saying,
but you want to be super picky in the community that you find.
I was reading just the other day,
something that was talking about how we need to take a long time to pick our
friends,
to pick the core people that we want to do life with because those people are
going to have more influence on our decisions and the things that we end up
doing in our life than many other things that we encounter.
So be extremely picky about who you talk
about your marriage with. You don't want to just share it on Facebook,
dear goodness, please. No, do not put it on social media.
Do not put it anywhere. Public.
Don't just call coworker just because they went through this exact same
thing last year,
especially if that's an angry coworker whose marriage ended up in divorce,
you need to be super picky about who you choose to encourage you and mentor you
and walk with you and guide you through this time.
It may not need to be your sister or your parent or your best friend.
It needs to be someone who you believe is wise,
who you believe you can trust and who you believe is going to support you in
your marriage and in your decision to stand for your marriage.
Even in the face of adversity, even in the face of obstacles,
like when your spouse files for divorce,
you don't want someone who's going to say, well,
they filed it's time for you to just go and be happy. Start dating again,
start doing these things,
go out on the town and just live it up and do whatever makes you feel happy.
That is not going to be what makes you a stronger
person on the other side of this, if you are wanting to save your marriage,
then it's going to be a journey. It's going to be a marathon, not a sprint.
And while the temptation of short term,
happiness and satisfaction sounds exciting to you right now because you
want to feel happy.
It's only going to give you a false sense of hope and change
for the future because that night out flirting
with other people going out on dates while you're still standing for your
marriage or before a divorce has even happened,
or when you're really still in love with your spouse,
isn't turning you into the best person that you need to be,
which leads us to point number three, focus.
On the positive.
Focus on the positive in you first and foremost,
because when your spouse files for divorce,
it can be incredibly easy for you to start seeing every single thing wrong with
you, your flaws, the things that you did wrong.
And while you do need to be aware of those things,
and you need to work on changing those things,
you need to realize the inward look is the only thing that you have control
over.
You might also be thinking about all of the ways that you want to change your
spouse. All of the things they've done wrong,
how you can't believe they're acting this way,
or how can they be the one to file for divorce?
When they're the one who has been in the addiction or having the affair or being
a complete jerk, I should have been the one to file, right?
That may be what you're thinking. You can't control your spouse.
And the more you try to the worse off you're going to end up being,
you can only control yourself in the good and in the
bad. So see the bad don't,
don't put on sunglasses to the faults and problems that,
you know, you need to change within yourself. Be aware of those,
but don't live there because you also need to see the positives,
you, the good things you're doing.
The fact that you're even watching this video, the fact that you,
or aware of what you need to do change,
and you're willing to work on it is a positive.
Celebrate that about you work on yourself.
We call it the pies. It's the four areas of attraction, physical, intellectual,
emotional, and spiritual,
and do everything you can to become the most attractive.
You can be in all four of those areas. If you want more help with that,
be sure to check out my podcast. That's all about the pies it's called.
It starts with attraction. You can find it on iTunes, Google play Spotify,
Pandora, Stitcher, pretty much anywhere. There's a podcast. You will find mine.
So be sure to go and subscribe to that. You can also go to PI's university.com,
P I E S university.com. Sign up for my email list,
sign up for the courses that I have over there and really learn how to become
the most attractive you can be.
You can also come and follow me on Instagram to see how I am doing this in my
own life. I would love to connect with you over there.
You can follow me at Kimberly beam, like a beam of light Holmes,
like Sherlock over on Instagram.
But the point here is to focus on the positive.
We've talked about focusing on,
on the positive about you focusing on becoming the best that you can be in
your pies,
but you also need to focus on the positives in your relationship.
And I know that's hard to do when you have divorce papers staring you in the
face, but now more than ever,
you need to remember the reasons that you are committed to standing for in
saving this marriage and why you're in this for the long haul inside of the save
my marriage course that we have at marriage helper.
We have a whole section that talks just about that.
Defining your why and how you can create a statement
that you go back to over and over and over,
over the next several weeks and months, that will keep you committed,
grounded and focused into doing what you can to save your marriage.
And our say my marriage course that we have.
It teaches you everything you can do,
even when your spouse has filed for divorce,
even when they're not talking to you,
even when people in your life have told you to give up, to move on,
even if a counselor or pastor or therapist has told you that we see that happen
all of the time, and we believe that that can happen for you as well.
But we have more than that for you at marriage helper,
we have a smart contact toolkit that will teach you all of the ways that you can
begin to change the way you and your spouse communicate right now,
even when your spouse, isn't talking to you, we have an affair toolkit that you,
if your marriage has been affected by an affair can go through and understand
why that has happened.
What you can specifically do when an affair has happened and how your marriage
can still be saved. Even if that has been the case.
We also have marriage coaching as well. Our marriage transforming workshops,
our marriage workshops are available online as well as in-person when
available.
And so be sure that you reach out and contact us to get more information about
how we can help you in those situations.
You can do that by going to marriage helper.com,
finding out more information there,
or you can always call our office and speak with a real person who cares about
you, you and wants to connect you with, with what we do at marriage helper,
that will help you best. You can call us at
(866) 903-0990.