I go inside--
What is it?
Oh, can't I get one fucking day off?
Shit.
Listen to me, you ass.
I just spent the last 20 days
running around,
saving the world from apocalypses,
only to keep trying to save the world.
Now I am stuck
in this pubescent body, my hormones are raging,
and all I wanna do
is go out and buy a 1970s Corvette Stingray.
Take it easy on him, Five.
Lila, this is between me and myself,
so stay out of it.
Then why are you doing this?
Because he is an idiot.
Who the hell are you?
Hi, I'm his loving brother.
Yeah, come on, Five. We gotta figure this out.
OK. How about we take a step back?
Look at the big picture here.
I just spent the past 20 straight days
saving the world, twice.
Can I get five minutes to relax
before figuring all the new kinks out?
Please and thank you.
Oh, well, since you asked so nicely, sister mine,
our little paradox
brought forth a freaking Kugelblitz.
I don't trust him.
But he's you.
Exactly.
You think I wanna shoot a kid?
And go home with that on my conscience?
Well, I wouldn't worry about that.
You won't be going home.
What exactly have we accomplished?
Well, we made some friends along the way.
Incorrect!
You know what we've done?
Nothing. We made things worse every single time.
Any closer and I'll melt your brain.
In the end, I had to project my consciousness forward
into a suspended quantum state version of myself
that exists across every possible instance of time.
That makes no sense.
Well, it would if you were smarter.
-Hey. Can you go any faster? -Ask me again
and I'll burn you with the cigarette lighter.
Wouldn't your son be happier playing with kids his age?
Assuming it's OK with your two dads.
I would rather chew off my own foot.
Do you like jazz, Five?
I'd rather lick a cheese grater.
I'm the daddy here!
Hey, Chatty Cathys, quit the chit-chat, alright?
I'm calling a family meeting here.
Lose the crazy lady and come with me.
We have important business.
Newsflash, geniuses.
It's not about us.
It was a simple task!
All we had to do was be here!
Didn't have to fight a giant sea monster, no.
An army of mutants? Nein!
I can't believe this.
It was handed to us on a silver platter.
Could you just moan a little softer?
My head is killing me.
Listen to me, you useless puke-bag.
We just blew our chance to save the world!
I'm sorry, OK? I'm sorry.
I just needed somebody to come with me
for emotional support.
Oh, emotional support? Like a Schnauzer?
Now you listen here, young man.
No. You listen to me, asshole.
I've come a long way for this,
through some shit
your pea-brain couldn't even comprehend.
So just give me the information I need
and I'll be on my merry way.
And if you call me "young man" one more time,
I'm gonna put your head through that damn wall.
Oh, dear.
Oh, who's Diego?
Imagine Batman, then aim lower.
Have a look around. If you hadn't noticed,
there's no doomsday, there's no apocalypse.
The sun is shining.
Birds are doing whatever the hell birds do.
That's all that matters.
We're done messing with time.
And I'm officially retired.
Yeah, and I knew you wouldn't come if I told you,
so what was I supposed to do?
Goddamn right, I wouldn't, Klaus.
You know why?
Because I…
-am supposed to be retired! -I know.
This was supposed to be a carefree road trip.
Well, it still can be, babe.
Ball of Twine? Klaus, turn! Ball of Twine!
-Turn! -What? Five!
-Don't! -It is one of the best ones!
-Come on! -Five, we're gonna die!
-I don't care! -Let go!
-Goddammit. -Shit!
It is a giant trash compactor
which is winding up the universe
and consuming it whole,
so tell me
how you stop it!
That's one badass stapler.
The kid wants coffee. Black.
Cute kid.
Then I should probably get that ink.
Complete the loop.
Are you sure?
Oh, I don't think destiny cares whether I am or not.
Bitch is cruel, ain't she?
Leave the pot here.
Thank you.
Lippy little shit.