You never get frustrated by your spouse do you? Well, some of us do. Let's talk
about how to deal with a frustrating husband. Frustration has to do with unmet
expectations. Know as I introduced this topic, think about how that might affect
your perception of your spouse. Frustration with husbands or with wives
either way. It could be a co-worker or another relationship, we're specifically
talking about husbands in this video. What is your expectation of your husband?
If he is completely meeting every expectation that you have, guess what?
You're not frustrated are you? Your frustration comes from the unmet
expectation and that's something that you're creating and generating in your
own mind having a more realistic expectation sometimes takes care of the
frustration right up front. But I'll give you a few tips toward the end of the
video about some specific things you can do as well. Let's start by understanding
the nature of the beast. Who is this husband and what is he like really? Now I
know a few things about this because well I am a husband and I work with a
lot of husbands. Maybe I should have Vicki on this episode to help give some
insight into Dr. Paul as a husband. We'll do that in a future video. But for now,
just go with what I've observed. Number 1 - "husbands want to be your hero". Oh,
they do. I'm thinking sometimes just hand me that Superman t-shirt. I want to know
as a husband that your life is better because I'm in it and this is true for
most of the husbands that I know. They honestly and sincerely want to be your
hero. Dr. Scott Haltzman has done a lot of writing about couples, couple
relationships. We focused on some of his work in an earlier video about how to
overcome infidelity in a marriage. You can link to that right up here. Dr. Haltzman
pointed out in a seminar that I attended ,this very thing. The thing that
husbands want the most is to be seen as and to really be appreciate it as a hero.
Keep that in mind as you think about the expectations that you set up for your
husband. Now, let's go to the second point. Husbands, if you're a wife or spouse,
"husbands don't think like you do". It's like a whole different language. I really
love what Mark Gungor teaches about this. Mark is an amazing thought leader
when it comes to relationships and he does some phenomenal work with couples.
He had some presentations that really got a lot of traction, not too long ago.
You can link to Mark's video right up here too where he introduces some of the
ideas about how men's brains and women's brains are different. A tale of two
brains and Mark pointed out that the male brain and the female brain are not
the same thing. And we think very differently. If you haven't noticed this
already in your relationship, wake up a little. It's a different animal that
we're dealing with here. How do husband's brains operate? In a
very humorous way, Mark points out that men like to handle one thing at a time
and he calls it a box, right? Like their mind is like a series of boxes and you
take one box out and you be very careful not to touch any of the other boxes and
you open up that box. And we're only going to talk about the content that's in this
box, when we're done with that one, close it up, put it back on the shelf. Women's
brains on the other hand are more like this ball of wire that's just constantly
processing everything and everything's related to everything
else and somehow the car is about my mother and the man's brain just
can't comprehend that. And Mark also talks about this thing called the
"nothing box". Anyway, enjoy Mark's content and remember that our brains are
designed a little differently. Even if you have the same culture, the same
language, the same background. There are differences in the way people process
information and we all have our programming that comes largely from how
we were raised. And by programming, I'm talking about
very basic things even like English here. We are having this conversation in
English well it's not that we decided to have this conversation in English. It's
just what we're programmed with and there are other videos that you'll find
here on YouTube that are in different languages and you don't watch those
typically because you don't know the language. Well, that's programming. It's
not that English is the right language or the only language, it's just the one
that I'm programmed with. So, it's the one that you're getting in a similar way, our
relationships come with all kinds of programming and when you see your
husband speaking husbandís, well don't be too surprised. He's a husband. That's in
his programming and he may not speak fluent wife, at least not yet. B,ut we can
learn new languages can't we? Keep that in mind. Now the third point that I
wanted to make is we understand the nature of the beast is the husband's
sincerely want you to be happy and they want you to be happy with him and
husbands have a sincere desire to improve. You might think, "well, mine
doesn't." Well yeah. I think he probably does but husbands get frustrated and
discouraged as well and then sometimes their behavior doesn't reflect what
their true desire is. Which i think is for you to be
happy, for you to be happy with him and for him to sincerely and genuinely
improve his own life and behavior. So let's take those three assumptions or
those three points of understanding what husbands are like. First of all, that they
want to be your hero. Second, that they think differently than you do and third,
that they sincerely want you to be happy and to be happy with him and let's build
on that with a few things that we can actually do to deal with our
frustrations. Now, the first thing that I would recommend is that you "begin with
gratitude". Lead with appreciation. If you will look for and find what you are
sincerely grateful about already the way things are the way he is conducting
himself now and express that gratitude and appreciation to him, it does two
things. It changes the energy of the interaction. All husband's because they
want to be appreciated are going to respond favorably to your leading with
appreciation. The other thing it does is it softens your position. It's really
natural to see everything that could or should be improved that is totally
natural. The problem is if we're constantly focusing on what they could
do better as opposed to what they're doing well already, it puts you in a
position where you might be seen as a nag, right? And he feels more like you are
criticizing him than encouraging him. That's why I want you to lead with
gratitude. Lead with appreciation and it puts him in a much better position to
actually step up and do some things better. Now, as you lead with appreciation,
you got to watch out for something that's coming up and I'm putting this in
this tip number 2. "Stay in front of your but". Spelled B-U-T. Stay in front of your
but. You know how when you lead with appreciation, sometimes it might sound
like this, "Oh, sweetie I am so grateful that you work so hard to provide for our
family." but... Alright how did that feel? It's like when you say, "but" it's like
saying forget what I just said. Here's what I really mean and he's going to
feel it. He's not going to hear the, "I appreciate you for working so hard". He's
going to hear the, what? The "but" and whatever comes after the "but". Stay in front of
your but. Allow that appreciation to carry its own weight as you transition
from the appreciation to the request for change. Use the word "and" instead of "but".
That changes the energy. "Honey, I certainly appreciate everything
that you are doing and I've found this thing that I'd like you to work on." Okay,
that feels different and that's not necessarily the best wording but you see
where we're going with that? Now, let's go to tip number 3 and this has to do
with men and women speaking different languages with you and your husband
having a different culture and upbringing and programming. Tip number
3 is give him a road map. Spell it out. Verbalize what it is that's going on
in your mind. He is not a good mind reader.
Have you noticed and I've been working on the mind reading skills. I got a PhD
in Psychology and I'm still no good at it. Probably your husband isn't either. So
it's okay to spell it out for him and to give him a road map. Here's an example of
how you might do that. "honey, I love it when you" and then tell him what he does
that you really appreciate. "I love it when you make the bed while I'm in
getting ready for my day. I love it" He might be completely oblivious to the
fact that that's working for you. So give him a little heads-up and that
will reinforce that behavior because why? He wants to be your hero. You're just
letting him know. "Oh yeah, you're my hero when you do that.
I love it when - you fill in the blanks. Another example when you - fill in the
blanks - that really works for me. So it might be, "honey, when you open the door
for me at the restaurant, that really works for me. I feel like a princess."
Awesome. Ding, ding, ding! Paycheck for husband,
right? He wants to be your hero. So you give him a little paycheck for that. "Hey,
honey when you clear off the the dishes after dinner that really works for me."
And be sincere about that. He will feel that. He will he will be reinforced by
that. This is like the proper care and feeding of husbands, right? This is how
you take care of his emotional needs in a way that makes it more likely he'll
take care of yours. Here's another example of giving him a road map.
"Sweetheart, will you please" - fill in the blanks -. Don't leave it to guesswork. He's
a terrible mind reader anyway. You know what you want him to do. Simply ask him
to do it. Now, I've worked with a lot of wives who feel like this step
invalidates everything that he's doing. "Well I just want him to know to do it. I
want him to do it of his own free will and choice." Yeah he will. My point is he's
probably not monitoring that. He's probably got some other box off the
shelf and he's thinking about that and he's not even connecting to whatever it
is that you're hoping and wishing that he would do. Just give him a road map.
"Honey, would you please take out the garbage when you get home today?" And then
he's like, "oh, okay that's something that I could do to be
her hero and that's what he wants to do anyway. Go ahead and spell it out.
Give him an invitation and a road map. I'm convinced that as you apply some of
these steps with a proper understanding of who this guy
is and what makes him tick. Probably the frustration level is going to come down
and we get to have a little more marital bliss. Hopefully you found that helpful.
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