Footballers Attempt Zlatan’s iconic overhead kick vs England, starring...
- The Frontmen - Season 2!
Ha, these Poundland Zlatans don’t stand a chance…
And you promise you won’t sue us for using your name and likeness?
Zlatan promises. Count yourself lucky that the Covid vaccine you gave me last week wore off…
- And the bullet to the brain seems to have wore off too... - Action!
MESSI
Come on, Leo, score this and Man City will definitely offer you a contract...
Yes!
Rest in peace, Diego...
MESSI SCORES...
91
91?! Urgh, I can’t believe you all fell for that Maradona tribute. He only did it to get the sympathy vote. Pathetic.
- You’re out of order. - Yeah.
Leave him alone.
And I’m not surprised you chose a Newell’s Old Boys shirt.
If you’d have choose an Argentina shirt, you would have definitely failed.
RONALDO
Piece of piss...
Si! Rest In Peace Diego...
Amen!
RONALDO SCORES...
- 0! - 0?!
But I did the overhead kick and the Maradona tribute
We’re not falling for the sympathy vote
- No way - But… but when Lionel did it you all gave him 10s
Don’t worry, my idol… I gave you a 10
Security! It’s my stalker again! Security!
- Oh, sh*t... - The judge said you aren’t allowed within 300 yards of me! 300 yards!
MARCUS RASHFORD
Let’s go
- Another great assist Marcus! - But it was going in
El Matador strikes again!
RASHFORD SCORES...
- 0! - But if he hadn’t touched it, it would have gone in...
- And if my auntie had balls she’d be my uncle... - Or a hermaphrodite
SUAREZ
- Easy peasy lemon squeezy! - And no cheating, Luis!
- Me, cheat? How dare you! - And no dark arts!
- No dark arts? - No dark arts!
Oh sh*t. I’m in trouble now.
- Asamoah Gyan!? - Suck on my fat one, Suarez!
- That’s for the 2012 World Cup! - Urgh. Karma is a b*tch.
SUAREZ SCORES...
0!
I demand a second attempt! Asamoah Gyan used the dark arts!
- All those in favour of Luis getting a second chance, say Aye... - Aye...
You sons of b*tches.
SALAH
Substitution!
Substitution, leaving the field, Mohamed Salah. Coming onto the field, Takumi Minamino
Jurgen subbed me off and left Minamino on against Brighton - he must be so incredible.
Ready!
No! Not another injury! Not to my best attacker! Why couldn’t it have been one of the sh*t ones, like Mo?
This is the final straw!
SALAH SCORES...
0!
Which coincidentally is the current market value of Takumi Minamino... Before he broke his neck!
KANE
- So we’re clear… - Clear
- This is a shot on goal, not a through ball - Clear
- Do not run after it and score a goal... - Clear
Great. I’m ready!
Yes! Harry Kane equalises for England in the 92nd minute! Forget an MBE, the Queen must give him a knighthood for this!
KANE SCORES...
17!
17?! 17 measly points? Urgh that’s almost as bad as Arsenal’s points in the Premier League this season...
- Do I get any bonus points for that hilarious joke? - No.
Urgh… I’m never shopping at IKEA again.
VARDY
Ready!
VARDY SCORES...
- 20! - 20!? He totally missed it! Why did you both give him 10?
- For turning down Arsenal. - Only the best players get the chance to do that...
- Thanks guys. Not for the first time, I finish with more points than Harry Kane. - Prick.
HAALAND
I dedicate this goal to my greatest idol and hero since the age of 5…
- Thanks son! - I was talking about Zlatan, dad! Go!
Yes!
HAALAND SCORES...
- 90! - At least it wasn’t a sympathy vote this time...
- Cristiano, why the 0? - For saying that Swedish lamppost is your idol and not me…
- Erling, for saying that Zlatan gives you 10 bonus points! - No way!
Is either that or I sued The Frontmen for using my image and likeness.
Oh come on. All those in favour of deducting those 10 bonus points from Haaland, say aye. AYE!
Wankers!
And by the way Erling, just like Cristiano did with Kylian, Zlatan has got a restraining order on you.
What?
But you don’t have to stay at least 300 yards away from Zlatan, you have to stay within 300 yards of Zlatan…
- Okay... - And shower Zlatan with praise
- Fine! - And move to AC Milan
- Hmmm…. Let me think about that one - What? I retract those bonus points!
Si!
NEYMAR
I was born to do this…
NEYMAR SCORES...
- 91? - 91? Urgh, you’ve fallen for the sympathy vote again!
- Sympathy vote? - He’s dead
- After scoring probably the greatest goal of all time - Apart from mine
- Rest in peace Neymar! - Rest in pieces more like! Haha!
Oh, Too soon?... Too soon. Rest in peace Neymar.
The last time I saw a Brazilian get smashed to pieces thus badly on a football pitch, was in the 2014 World Cup Semi-Finals. Haha!
Ah, oh, Too soon, too soon...
LEWANDOWSKI
Go!
Yes! I owe it all to my idols, Zlatan and Ronaldo!
LEWANDOWSKI SCORES...
- 100! - Yes! I played the system and i won!
- What? I retract my te- - Sleep
Ah, that’s better... Challenge over, final scores…
Robert Lewandowski wins!
- Yes! - What?
- But you haven’t tried it yet Zlatan - I already did it in 2012
- 2012? - When you weren’t 40
- Zlatan 39 dickhead! - Come on Zlatan
- Do it - Zlatan don’t need to prove myself to you bums!
- Come on, idol. Show these Home Bargains Zlatans how it’s done - Fine.
ZLATAN
I’ve done it once and I’ll do it again....
Not again! My career was never the same after you humiliated me.
Next stop, Andrea Pirlo…
No! Zlatan! My idol! Rest in peace Zlatan!
Oh, give it a rest Erling. You won’t be getting any bonus sympathy points now.
And he’ll be tottaly fita nd healthly by next week anyway. Don’t ask me how.
Updated final scores. Well, well well, look who's bottom.