LET'S GET STRAIGHT TO IT.
AS USUAL, THERE'S ONE BIG ORANGE STORY TONIGHT, DONALD TRUMP.
(LAUGHTER) HE'S THE PRESUMPTIVE G.O.P.
NOMINEE, BUT THERE ARE A FEW PEOPLE HE STILL HAS TO WIN OVER.
FOR INSTANCE, EVERYONE IN THE G.O.P.
(LAUGHTER) BUT TODAY THE HEALING BEGAN.
TRUMP WENT DOWN TO WASHINGTON TO MEET WITH SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE
PAUL RYAN IN A HIGH-LEVEL SUMMIT, AFTER WHICH RYAN SEEMED
VERY ENCOURAGED.
>> I THINK WE HAD A VERY ENCOURAGING MEETING.
I WAS VERY ENCOURAGED WITH WHAT I HEARD.
I WAS VERY ENCOURAGED.
AGAIN, I'M VERY ENCOURAGED.
THIS IS A FIRST, VERY ENCOURAGING MEETING.
AGAIN, I'M VERY ENCOURAGED.
I'M, I'M, I'M VERY ENCOURAGED.
>> STEPHEN: SOUNDS VERY ENCOURAGED.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING) ONLY ONE WORD FOR IT,
ENCOURAGED.
ENCOURAGED, ENCOURAGED.
YOU KNOW, YOU SAY A WORD OVER AND OVER AGAIN, IT DOESN'T MEAN
ANYTHING ANYMORE.
HAND ME THE DICTIONARY NOW.
ENCOURAGED.
HERE WE GO.
MEANINGLESS WORD MEANING SHEER PANIC.
OKAY.
SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THE SAME MOTION WITH WHAT TRUMP
IS GOING TO DO WITH RYAN -- HERE YOU GO!
HERE'S THE THING -- RYAN HAD TO MEET WITH TRUMP TO MAKE IT LOOK
LIKE THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS NOT IN CHAOS, THAT SOMEONE IS IN
CONTROL, BUT NOTHING HAPPENED.
OKAY?
THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT IS FOR THEM TO GET TOGETHER, US NOT TO
SEE IT AND NOTHING HAPPENED.
IT WAS PURE THEATER!
THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT ON CAPITOL HILL.
THEY SHOULD HAVE HAD THE MEETING ON BROADWAY, YOU KNOW, WITH
MUSICAL NUMBERS!
HEY, COOL BOY!
(LAUGHTER) TRUMP IS GONNA ROCK IT TONIGHT!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WATCH OUT, PAUL RYAN!
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
EASY, MITCH McCONNELL!
(LAUGHTER) RYAN DID NOT ENDORSE TRUMP OR
POKE HIM WITH A STICK OR ANYTHING FUN.
(LAUGHTER) INSTEAD, THEY JUST RELEASED A
JOINT STATEMENT SAYING, THEY WERE "TOTALLY COMMITTED TO
WORKING TOGETHER."
AND WHEN DONALD TRUMP COMMITS TO SOMETHING, HE TOTALLY MEANS IT.
ASK ANY OF HIS WIVES!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SO BOTTOM LINE, THE LAST 24
HOURS OF ALL POLITICAL NEWS WAS COMPLETE B.S.
OF COURSE, THE CREME DE LA CRAP WAS FROM MSNBC.
HAD A COUNTDOWN CLOCK TO THE MEETING THIS MORNING WHERE NO
CAMERAS WERE ALLOWED AND AFTER WHICH WE LEARNED NOTHING.
JIM, CAN WE PUT UP MY COUNTDOWN CLOCK OF HOW MUCH LONGER WE ALL
HAVE TO PRETEND THIS WAS NEWS?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THAT WAS A LONG THREE SECONDS.
REALLY.
OF COURSE, WHEN IT COMES TO DONALD TRUMP, THERE ARE SO MANY
OTHER THINGS THAT ARE NOT HAPPENING.
FOR INSTANCE, HE HASN'T PICKED A RUNNING MATE, BUT RUMORS SAY
HE'S CONSIDERING NEWT GINGRICH (AUDIENCE REACTS)
THEY'RE ALL CHANTING NEWT!
YES.
BETWEEN THEM, THEY'VE HAD SIX WIVES.
APPARENTLY, TRUMP IS TRYING TO WIN THE WOMAN'S VOTE BY MARRYING
THEM ALL.
IF THEY GET ELECTED BOTH THE FIRST AND SECOND LADY WILL BE
THE THIRD LADY.
(APPLAUSE) BUT THERE'S A SCANDAL LOOMING
FOR TRUMP.
SEE, SINCE THE START OF THE CAMPAIGN, TRUMP HAS BEEN
PROMISING TO RELEASE HIS TAX RETURNS, BUT HE JUST ANNOUNCED
THAT HE MAY NOT DO THAT UNTIL AFTER THE ELECTION.
SO FAR, THE ONLY GLIMPSE OF HIS TAXES HE'S GIVEN US IS THIS
PICTURE HE TWEETED OUT OF A HUGE STACK OF DOCUMENTS.
IT'S A HUGE STACK.
BUT TO BE FAIR, THAT STACK LOOKS A LOT LARGER NEXT TO HIS TINY,
TINY HANDS.
(APPLAUSE) PEOPLE LIKE MITT ROMNEY SAY HE'S
HIDING SOMETHING.
WE'VE GOTTEN OUR HANDS ON THE DOCUMENTS BY A PROCEDURE CALLED
MAKING THEM UP.
BRING OUT DONALD TRUMP'S TAXES, EVERYONE!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OKAY, LET'S SEE WHAT WE GOT HERE.
YOU KNOW THEY'RE REAL BECAUSE ONLY A REAL TAX RETURN CAN DO
THIS -- (LAUGHTER)
OKAY, LET'S SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE.
SIGNS HIS NAME TRUMP, COMMA, DONALD J.
UNDER RACE, HE JUST CIRCLED THE ONES HE WANTS TO DEPORT.
OKAY.
LET'S SEE...
SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER, "A GOOD ONE.
TRUST ME."
(LAUGHTER) UNDER "EXEMPTIONS" HE'S LISTED
"RESPONSIBILITY FOR THINGS I'VE SAID AND DONE,"
ARE (LAUGHTER)
FOR INCOME HE JUST WROTE "YUUGE."
(LAUGHTER) AND UNDER "ADJUSTED GROSS", HE
WROTE: "ROSIE O'DONNELL."
THAT'S NOT NICE.
(AUDIENCE REACTS) LET'S SEE, AGAIN, HIS TAX
RETURN, NOT MINE.
(LAUGHTER) AND LET'S SEE, UNDER BIRTH DATE
HE WROTE "SLUMBERING IN THE EARTH'S CORE FOR CENTURIES,
WAITING FOR HUMANITY TO WAKE MY WRATH."