- Dear journal,
I know this entry is a little late,
but it took me a while to really reflect on
what the heck happened last year.
I entered this new decade wide-eyed hoping to see the world
in crystal clear 2020 vision.
And surprisingly, I got what I wanted.
My 2020 experience was an x-ray
that revealed everything that I needed to work on.
And it showed me everything that was important to me.
I started off new year's day like I always do.
Happy New year! 2020,
but this year felt special and sparkly
because it was the first time I wasn't quietly suffering
from a hangover around my family.
One of the best decisions
I made in 2020 was to do a dry January.
Like I would like to have a dry January
like not even a glass of wine.
I use alcohol a lot as like a,
I dunno like a social crutch and a social lubricant.
I never really questioned my relationship
with alcohol until I turned 29.
Hangovers felt oppressive.
They became psychological marathons
where I'd deliberate my existence, my purpose
yet I was worried that without alcohol, I couldn't have fun
and most importantly that I wouldn't be fun.
I assumed that my drunk self was my most interesting self.
This was why I was so proud,
that I made it to the end of dry January.
I was successfully sober for 31 days.
I learned that I could still be my sweet
and charming self without booze.
Every morning, I woke up with such clarity
and an enthusiasm for life.
I felt 100% all the time.
Happy new year!
- In February my work schedule started to blast off again.
And as glamorous as my life looked
I kind of felt like a shell.
Now don't get me wrong
I am extremely privileged to have traveled for work
but if I am perfectly honest, I don't miss these trips.
The objective of these trips are
to sell you a dream, a fantasy.
And I like to think of it as a set.
It's purely a highlight reel
and they shouldn't be compared to those trips
when you're traveling for yourself at your leisure.
But I did have the pleasure of going on a short
and sweet solo trip to San Francisco that month.
I signed up for a Rising Strong conference
based off Brene Brown's work.
I felt the whole scope of emotions
while I was out there from awkwardness,
fear, joy, pride, gratitude.
I felt so out of my element when I was there,
but in hindsight it gave me so much confidence
and I was able to discover
what my three values in life were at the time.
So my values are connection, curiosity, and excellence.
At the end of March, COVID hit.
It was terrifying,
nothing like this had ever happened in our generation.
And suddenly we were all confined to our own homes
with this mysterious virus floating around.
It was a huge adjustment for so many of us.
I recognize the deep privilege I had
to be able to work from home
and to self isolate with Ben and Cheeky.
It was changed nonetheless.
There was so much doubt and fear
and I really struggled to make sense of any of it.
Everything felt like it was out of control because it was,
life gave us part of uncertainty and it was our job to try
and accept it and sit with the discomfort.
In April my Virgo mind had meltdowns,
looking for certainty and structure.
It was trying to find something to control.
So my body was the first thing my mind tried to discipline.
I downloaded calorie tracking apps,
weighed myself every morning
and documented every calorie I burned
but after a few "good days" I'd unravel
and I'd emotionally eat until my stomach hurt.
And then after I'd wear something pretty unflattering
and just say really mean things about myself.
I guess we're done here.
I had regressed
into that toxic relationship with my body again,
it was frustrating and there was so much self-loathing.
By May I was sick and tired of this loop.
I couldn't live like this anymore.
It was not sustainable.
I had to tackle my relationship with me first.
I highly recommend this book by Geneen Roth.
It gave me the tools to get myself back on track
on eating mindfully
and being more compassionate with myself again.
Marriages are work and when you're around someone
all the time talk with no distractions and uncertainty
that relationship is gonna get tested.
Couples therapy was an amazing tool for us
because it gave us a method
to communicate clearly with one another.
Our therapist would listen to both our sides
and then restate it in a condensed analyzed way.
It smoothed out all the miscommunication
and we were able to work on being a unit again.
It also set the tone on how we would communicate
with each other throughout the rest of the year.
These tools and methods
we learned in therapy were invaluable
and made our relationship even stronger.
On top of the virus spreading, unemployment soaring,
We had enough with the systemic oppression
and police brutality on Black lives.
Millions of us were so furious about these murders.
I felt helpless.
You kind of hit a wall after you send out your emails,
sign your petitions, donate.
It never felt like enough.
I had to take a step away from social media
because all I was doing was doom scrolling.
This is when I realized
that what I can do is listen and learn.
So I read books, read articles,
watched documentaries and talks.
It was a wake up call to continue to educate myself
with what's happening in our political climate.
July hit different.
I read "How To Change Your Mind" by Michael Pollan.
And it was a resource that I didn't know I needed
but I studied this book and took so many notes.
Then on fourth of July I felt my world shift.
It was like I was looking at my life
with a lens of deep gratitude and wonder.
We were in the backyard listening to Lilly by Toro y Moi
The light looked sensational
and all I could feel was pure love.
It was a message to notice the details in my life
and to marvel at them,
especially because it's also temporary.
This newfound gratitude carried me through August.
I was really enjoying life.
I felt passionate with work.
I was loving to cook and experiment with food.
I was reading so many books and writing book reports
to retain information.
I felt like I was studying life.
I was also practicing more digital minimalism
and my screen time plummeted.
My balance with work and my personal life was
just getting better and better.
In the past I've struggled with this weird urge
to post everything that was happening.
It felt like if I didn't post anything
I wasn't doing my job.
I was learning to love this feeling of keeping
certain moments just for me.
This was also when I was starting
to take more film photos to capture moments.
It took the pressure off of trying to get that perfect shot.
I just take my photo and that'd be it.
Life would resume.
My 30th birthday was perfect.
I spent it with my family and my closest friends.
My social life kind of took a plunge in 2020,
but COVID just downsized the people
in my life and boiled it down to the most important ones.
It was actually really refreshing to not have to overthink
my social interactions at every gathering.
I was only hanging out with people
that I didn't doubt myself with,
and that I really connected with.
(upbeat music)
In October and November,
I was fully embracing this lifestyle of nesting.
I was keeping up with all the new routines and habits
that I've accumulated throughout this entire year.
I was meditating consistently,
enjoying to cook rich nutritious foods, journaling,
and just spending high quality leisure time.
All the habits I made were building
into this calmer lifestyle of mine.
I found myself enjoying life
and I didn't feel guilty about it.
When the pandemic hit, I felt guilty all the time.
Like I should be suffering too,
but comparative suffering is a losing game.
My suffering wouldn't mean
that other parts of the world would suffer less.
So all I could do was just be grateful.
A lot of the times you can feel helpless
like you're not making a difference,
but remember that you can change the lives of the people
who are directly in your life.
If you can be more patient, more calm
and more understanding to the people around you,
then you're making an impact.
December felt a bit hollow at first.
I felt really bad that Ben wouldn't be able
to see his family in England.
And I wanted to somehow make it feel a little special.
So we went to Sedona.
It was pure quality time to strengthen our relationship.
I'm really happy to say
that our marriage has never been stronger,
and our communication has never been better.
And we worked for this.
We left feeling so connected.
2020 taught me how to be in my emotions
without any of my usual distractions.
I re-established, what's important to me.
And what's a reward in my eyes.
It taught me that life can be slower.
In fact, it feels better when you take your time
because you start to notice what's in front of you.
You don't need to question it
or think about whether you deserve it or not.
Just accept it and understand that it's so beautiful
and precious because it's all fleeting.
It's all temporary.
The bad feelings are temporary.
The good feelings are temporary.
It all passes
so just take it at face value and let yourself feel.
So here's to 2021 and to continue letting myself be.