LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT.
ACCORDING TO A REPORT FROM "THE NEW YORK TIMES," DONALD TRUMP
REPEATEDLY EXAGGERATED HIS NET WORTH IN ORDER TO OBTAIN
ENORMOUS BANK LOANS.
IN ONE INSTANCE, HE OVERSTATED HIS WEALTH BY $2 BILLION.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK OF
THIS STORY.
IT'S JUST NOT LIKE TRUMP TO LIE.
( LAUGHTER ) BANKS GAVE HIM LOANS DESPITE HIS
MULTIPLE BANKRUPTCIES.
YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING "FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU, FOOL ME
TWICE, HERE'S ANOTHER $500 MILLION."
IF YOU ASK ME, THE BANK SHOULD HAVE KNOWN TRUMP WAS
EXAGGERATING THE SIZE OF HIS ASSETS.
JUST LOOK WHAT HE DOES TO A NORMAL-SIZED TIE.
( LAUGHTER ) AS YOU KNOW, THE DEMOCRATS ARE
ALREADY IN FULL CAMPAIGN MODE FOR 2020.
DURING A TOWN HALL MEETING IN A DETROIT RESTAURANT YESTERDAY,
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE BETO O'ROURKE ADDRESSED VOTERS IN A
RATHER UNUSUAL WAY.
HERE HE IS.
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S SQUATTING ON THE COUNTER.
BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS "I CARE ABOUT YOUR SMALL BUSINESS" LIKE
PUTTING YOUR FILTHY SHOES WHERE PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO EAT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES NEED TO STOP PRETENDING TO BE LIKE THE
AVERAGE PERSON.
WE ALREADY ELECTED ONE WHO SHOWS UP LATE TO WORK, PLAYS GOLF IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE WEEK AND EATS CHEESEBURGERS IN BED.
( LAUGHTER ) WE SHOULD BE SHOOTING FOR "ABOVE
AVERAGE."
BUT IF THIS IS THE WAY BETO CAMPAIGNS, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE
HOW HE DEBATES TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WOULD BE FUN, THOUGH.
MOVING ON, IN SCIENCE NEWS, ACCORDING TO NEW RESEARCH,
EXTENDED SPACE TRAVEL CAN ACTUALLY REACTIVATE THE HERPES
VIRUS, CAUSING AN OUTBREAK IN ASTRONAUTS WHO CARRY IT.
I'LL BE HONEST, SPRING BREAK ON THE SPACE STATION SOUNDS PRETTY
WILD.
DOESN'T IT?
( LAUGHTER ) YOU JUST KNOW SOME DEADBEAT
BOYFRIEND SOMEWHERE IS GOING TO TRY TO USE THIS EXCUSE.
"BABE, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU DIDN'T KNOW THIS ABOUT ME...
I'M AN ASTRONAUT."
( LAUGHTER ) TRAVELING THROUGH SPACE
INCREASES THE CHANCES OF A HERPES OUTBREAK.
BUT IF YOU'D LIKE TO BE EXPOSED TO HERPES THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY,
JUST TAKE A GREYHOUND BUS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS WAS AN ODD STORY.
A EUROPEAN RACING PIGEON WAS RECENTLY SOLD FOR A WORLD RECORD
$1.4 MILLION.
THE PIGEON HAS BEEN CALLED "THE BEST BELGIAN LONG-DISTANCE
PIGEON OF ALL TIME."
YEAH.
TAKE THAT, BIG BIRD, YOU BROKE ASS BITCH.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
$1.4 MILLION FOR A PIGEON?
BEFORE THIS STORY, I WOULD HAVE BELIEVED YOU IF YOU SAID THE
WORLD RECORD PRICE FOR A PIGEON WAS $6.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS TRUE, THE PIGEON'S NAME
IS ARMANDO.
I'VE GOT TO BE HONEST, WHEN I HEARD ABOUT A EUROPEAN RACING
PIGEON NAMED ARMANDO WHO'S WORTH A MILLION DOLLARS, I HONESTLY
PICTURED HIM LOOKING LIKE THIS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND, FINALLY, THE INVENTOR OF
JELLY BELLY JELLY BEANS HAS JUST LAUNCHED A NEW CANDY COMPANY
THAT SELLS JELLY BEANS INFUSED WITH CANNABIS.
YEAH.
( APPLAUSE ) YEAH!
YEAH!
JUST IN TIME FOR THE KIDS' EASTER BASKETS!
( LAUGHTER ) THE MAN HAS ALREADY UPDATED HIS
JELLY BELLY MASCOT TO REFLECT THIS NEW PRODUCT.
HERE'S THE OLD MASCOT: AND HERE'S THE NEW ONE: