-Thank you and welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome
to "The Tonight Show."
You're here!
Thank you for watching!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, this is amazing.
Here in New York City, we're just a few days away
from breaking the record for the longest stretch
of winter without snow.
[ Audience cheers ] It's weird.
It's like Mother Nature is doing dry January.
[ Laughter ]
I miss the snow.
It's just not the same taking your kids sledding
down a pile of trash bags. You know, it's just not...
Let's get to some news here.
Everyone's still talking about all the classified documents
that keep popping up, and now spokespeople are saying
that until the end of their terms,
all classified documents were returned
by Obama, Bush, and Clinton.
In other words, we're five minutes away from learning
that they found documents
at the homes of Obama, Bush, and Clinton.
Meanwhile, when asked if he had any classified documents,
Dick Cheney put his heart into sleep mode.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
That's right. All the presidents said
they don't have any classified documents.
Then Jimmy Carter was like, "Uh, hello.
I'm still here, too. Hi."
Actually, just to be safe,
the FBI is searching Jimmy Carter's dollhouse.
[ Audience awws ]
[ Laughter ]
It's the oddest photo I've ever seen.
-The weirdest. -It's the weirdest photo ever.
It seems like there's so much going on right now.
Donald Trump, Joe Biden, now Mike Pence --
all have classified documents in their homes.
The NFL playoffs are in full swing.
The NFL this weekend.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Egg prices are soaring.
And Dunkin' is making plans
to offer their own alcoholic beverages.
[ Audience cheers ] There's a lot to go over.
Let's just jump in, cover it all at once.
It's time for a "News Smash." Here we go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
First up, the classified documents scandal.
They just keep finding more. First it was Trump, then Biden.
Now Mike Pence. At this point, Americans are tired of it.
They just want to turn off the news and watch...
the NFL playoffs.
This weekend.
It's Bengals versus Chiefs, 49ers versus Eagles...
[ Cheers and applause ]
...for a trip to the Super Bowl.
The stakes are high. Almost as high as...
egg prices.
They are soaring,
and Congress might even investigate what's going on.
At these prices, instead of eating eggs for breakfast,
you're better off... drinking booze at Dunkin'.
That's right. Dunkin' is planning
to sell its own alcoholic drinks.
People were like, "Ew, what's even in it?"
And Dunkin' said... "That's classified."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
The papers -- The papers are everywhere.
This week, President Biden was like,
"I apologize for keeping documents in ma-garage,
ma-office, and...
ma-homes."
That is the Kansas City quarterback.
And he's got to play Cincinnati's Joe Burrow.
Both of them are going to play hard.
Neither one is gonna just roll over easy...
scrambled, fried.
No matter how you make them, they're expensive.
So if you've got a bunch of eggs right now, keep them to yourself.
Maybe even...
hide them.
Mike Pence -- Mike Pence has been so stressed,
he's thinking about doing shots over at...
Drunkin' Donuts.
Seriously, booze at Dunkin'?
Even people in Boston are like, "Sorry, but I think I'll...
pass." That's the quarterback's job.
And if they screw up on Sunday, their whole season will be...
totally wasted.
In conclusion, don't miss, kickers...
stop it, misters...
penny pinch-ahs...
wicked piss-ah.
This has been a "News Smash."
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Well, guys, get this.
I read that King Charles'
real-estate firm is suing Twitter
for failing to pay rent at their London office.
Yeah, King Charles' real-estate firm.
Everyone's like, "You mean...England?"
You know your landlord is the king when your eviction notice
starts with the phrase, "Hear ye, hear ye."
Hey, I heard that due to some major delays,
Paris is rushing to finish construction work
in time for the 2024 Olympics.
Yeah, the French workers were like -- [Inhales sharply]
[French accent] "We are working 24/7.
That's 24 hours a month. 7 months a year."
[ Laughter ]
Apparently, the delays have been caused by a steel shortage.
Yeah, you know it's rough when they have to strip
the Eiffel Tower for parts.
Switching gears, did you guys see this?
Justin Bieber just sold his entire music catalog
for $200 million.
Yeah, asked what he's going to do with the money, Bieber said,
"Buy a dozen eggs."
$200 million -- that's one dollar for every person
who pretended to know all the words to "Despacito."
[ Laughter ] Well, this is wild.
The city of Philadelphia is so desperate for lifeguards
that they're recruiting applicants who can't swim.
[ Laughter ]
Even worse, they're letting the lifeguards work from home.
You don't see how that would...
-What, do they Zoom in? -[ Laughs ] Yeah.
And finally, two men in Germany just broke the world record
by playing the accordion for 24 hours straight.
I don't know what's harder --
playing the accordion for 24 hours
or listening to the accordion for 24 hours.
We have a great show tonight.