-Dane, welcome back. Ooh, la la.
Dane Cook is here.
-Let me tell you something about this crowd.
Who needs a tree outside being lit when this crowd's on fire?!
[ Cheers and applause ] -Oh, wow!
That's what I'm talking about!
That's exactly right.
-Sit. Please sit.
-They're not standing. -Sit down.
-They're not standing. -I need everyone to please sit.
-They're not standing. They're not standing.
Dane. -It looks like they're standing.
-Dane, welcome back.
It is the holiday season.
Are you in the holiday spirit, bud?
-Listen, as you can probably tell, a festival of lights,
delights, and out of sights is coursing through by veins.
And I'm just feeling -- I'm feeling like this is going to be
a really special time for you, me, and all of us.
What do you think? -Wow.
-Roots? -You feeling the Roots too?
Dane, we've known each other -- we've known each other --
we've known each other for a long time.
-Very long time. -Did I get too close there?
-No, but I like that we just got intimate.
You guys want to step out?
[ Laughter ] -We got real intimate.
-You laughed really loud in my ear and that scared me.
-I apologize. I was too close. Normally I'm here.
-Jimmy Fallon and I, we've known each other.
We've been on the road. We've crossed paths.
-Probably 20 years?
25 years? -Listen. How about this guy?
How about the success that Jimmy Fallon has created for himself?
-[ Cheers and applause ] -This entire organization.
It's not about me. It's not about me!
-Tonight is about Dane Cook.
-It is? -Yeah.
Dude, you're the greatest.
I had to follow you many a time at the Improv.
-I made it tough on you, didn't I?
-You really were, yeah. It was great.
And I loved it. But then to watch you rise
and then you do Madison Square Garden, I go, "Oh, my gosh."
And then, here we are.
We're on "The Tonight Show," we're talking again.
We're 50.
-I'm 50 years old, doing what I love, 31 years in.
-You look great. -[ Cheers and applause ]
You look great, bud. -I feel great.
-What's it like? What's it like being 50?
-Okay, so -- can I just -- can we do this together?
I'm going to say this, and on the count of three --
There's one gift at 50 that everybody wants to, should,
and does ultimately gift to themselves.
And we can all say it at the same time. Ready?
And I'll say it, but the ultimate gift at 50.
Ready? Here we go. All together. Ready?
One, two, three.
A colonoscopy!
-Yes. -[ Laughter ]
-A colonoscopy.
-Yes, we all said it at the same time.
-That's the butt stuff that's not so fun.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, my. I never heard it that way.
-They made me drink the --
So, here's what happens if you've never done it.
You have to drink a liquid
that's basically like a laxative.
It's called like MiraLAX.
I'm endorsed by them as well. So thank you to --
-[ Laughter ] -Wow. Congratulations.
-So, they gave me a choice.
They said, "You can do the liquid
or you can do the pill form."
But I was so nervous about the entire situation,
I messed up and I did both.
[ Laughter ]
And -- Ah. -Wow.
-What happened to my stomach was something cataclysmic.
-[ Laughter ] -That's a good word.
-It's almost like -- It's a good word.
-It is. -It was almost like --
The way my stomach reacted --
Okay, first of all, I went into the bathroom and --
-Never came out. -[ Laughter ]
-Okay. Well, have you ever sat
on the edge of a toilet like this?
[ Laughter ]
Right? Like you're about to play chess
with Bobby Fischer and you know --
[ Laughter ]
I don't want to be graphic, but I almost felt like
this is what a Super Soaker must feel like.
[ Laughter ]
Too much? Am I cancelled? Am I cancelled?!
-No, no, no, no. You're not cancelled.
Oh, my God. But it all went well?
-Yeah, yeah. But here's the best part.
I've never done this before. I'm going to look at this camera.
When I walked out of the bathroom, I remember I took
three steps and I turned back and I went,
"We don't talk about this ever again."
-Wow, you said that to the bathroom.
-Yeah. -And here you are now.
Let's talk about "Above It All," by the way.
It went to number one on iTunes, by the way.
Another number-one album for you.
-It's amazing. -Come on, buddy.
-It's amazing.
-But, dude, you've done Madison Square Garden.
You've done the arenas.
-Yeah, I've done laundromats outside of Boston.
-Yeah, when you first started.
But now, this one, this special
you did, you did it on the porch in the front of your house.
-Yeah, I did it on my front porch in the beautiful
Hollywood Hills overlooking that exceptional view.
And I brought a bunch of people to my home who didn't know
they were being shuttled to my house for my comedy special.
-How did you come up with the idea?
-I'm a genius.
-[ Laughter ] -I know that.
-It's the way my brain just -- -But how did you make it work
having all those strangers at your house?
-Yeah, okay, so, when I was 12 years old, I used to stand on
the porch and I would do like --
you know, entertain the neighbors.
You know how like everybody would get together on one stoop,
people would have a few too many drinks.
There'd be a couple little weird arguments.
And then somebody would be a cutup
and try to make the neighborhood laugh.
And that's what I did. And every single year of
my 31 years doing stand-up comedy, I was always like,
"That would feel like the ultimate show."
Because not only is it big and bombastic,
but it's the most personal and intimate
because you're in my home with me.
So I hope you enjoy it
and have a lot of laughs with me with "Above It All."
-I want to show everyone a clip.
Here's Dane Cook in his special "Above It All."
Take a look.
-I get weird about weddings.
There's something about weddings.
First of all, I don't do a lot of impersonations.
Can I do a very quick one of all of you?
I can do all of you at once. Ready?
This is anybody here getting a wedding invitation in the mail.
Ready? [Bleep]
[ Laughter ]
When is it?
You didn't even look at who. When? When?
What weekend have you stolen from me?!
[ Laughter ]
July 3rd!
That's great. July 3rd.
Where is it? Yosemite National Park.
Outside wedding, July 3rd.
That's not going to be hot as balls.
[ Laughter ]
Then you don't even know who's getting married
'cause I don't speak calligraphy.
What the [bleep]? Is that a K, a Q?
-Yeah, I don't speak calligraphy.
Dane Cook, everybody!
"Above It All" is available right now on danecook.com.