My stomach was hurting before.
I don't know how that happened.
I've been traveling a lot,
and I didn't feel nervous about coming out here,
because, like, I trust you people.
I think we're okay.
But, like, maybe my stomach was--I don't know.
Like, I've always been an anxious, nervous person,
and I would have psychosomatic events.
Is that the word?
Did I ever tell you that story
about how I cured being a hypochondriac?
Do you know that story?
That's a good story.
My father was a doctor,
which means I was a hypochondriac.
How else are you gonna get their attention?
Now...
Am I gonna tell-- okay, let's do it.
When you grow up with a dad who's a doctor,
you have access to other doctors,
and--well, here's the story.
I was at college, I was a sophomore in college,
and, uh, somewhere about a month or so
before Christmas break, I decided that I had M.S.
So I started calling my father.
Like, "Dad, I have M.S."
And he's like, "You don't have M.S."
I'm like, "How do you know? How do you know?
You haven't examined me.
I don't know how you would know that."
He goes, "I know you don't have M.S."
He goes, "What are your symptoms?"
I'm like, "I don't know. My hands are tingly."
"Son, you don't have M.S. Are you drinking coffee?"
I'm like, "I drink coffee."
"It's probably coffee." I'm like, "No, I have M.S."
And then--okay. So he hangs up.
And then, like, a couple weeks later, I'm like--I call him up.
"I have M.S. I still have M.S."
He's like, "You don't have M.S."
And then that ends that conversation.
And then, like, a week before--
maybe a week before, I call him up and I'm like,
"Dad, I have prostate cancer. I have prostate cancer."
He goes, "How do you know?"
"It's like...I don't know.
It hurts down by my balls and stuff,
and I think I have prostate cancer.
It kind of hurts on my butt cheeks and stuff."
And he's like, "You don't have prostate cancer."
I'm like, "I do."
And then I called him every day for a week.
Just--"I have prostate cancer. I have prostate cancer."
He's like, "You're too young for prostate cancer."
"I know I have it."
So I get off the plane when I got home.
It's, like, 6:00 or 7:00 at night,
and my father says, "We're going to Bob Rosen's house
to get you examined."
This a urologist friend of his.
So he's taking me to a man's house
to be examined for prostate cancer.
So he picks me up at the airport.
He's like, "No, we're going now."
I'm like, "I don't think that's--
why can't I just go to his office?"
"No, you have prostate cancer.
We're gonna go now."
So we drive to this guy's house, who--
he doesn't know we're coming.
So...
We walk up to the door,
my father knocks on the door,
and Bob literally is like--
he shows up, he's got a napkin, he's wiping his mouth.
I see his family's at the dinner table.
My father goes, "My son thinks he has prostate cancer.
Can you take a look?"
And Bob's like, "I don't know what you mean."
He's--"Well, come on in."
And then he goes back to the table,
he puts a napkin down,
and then he walks me and my father into his bedroom,
and we're all standing there, and I'm like,
"This in any other situation would be illegal.
Whatever's happening, whatever's about to happen,
this is bad."
And thank God Bob says,
"You know what, he should probably come to the office.
I don't think this is the place to do this."
And my father's like, "Are you sure?
Is that all right with you, kid?"
I'm like, "Yeah, it's probably better."
All right, so, Bob didn't finger-bang me in his bedroom.
With my father watching, nonetheless.
So this is how I cured my hypochondriac-ness.
Hypochondria.
All right, so I go to Bob's office.
Does the horrible examination. It's very difficult. It's--
You know, when you're a man, this is--
I know women have their thing, but I'm not a woman.
I know that as a dude, I got to go in and get finger-banged
by a guy, you know, once a year,
in a clinical way,
but it's always awkward.
It's never a pleasant situation.
The most awkward part about is, like,
you get to a certain age
where it's about to happen,
and it goes in and you're like,
"Oh, I kind of get this.
Wait, I'm not changing my life."
So...
But...
It does seem to do something.
But, okay, so he gives me the examination,
and then he, you know, he dives in.
It's really hard. I don't want to go into it. It's too--
But he does the examination.
It turns out I had something.
I had something. Huh? Yay.
I had some sort of prostatitis, which my dad gets too.
It's some sort of--you know, sensitive to it or what.
So I had something. Great. I was right.
Now, what happens next is, a week later,
it's supposed to be gone, but I still feel it, right?
So I go into Bob's office, and I go,
"I think I still have it."
He goes, "No, you've been on antibiotics for 12 days.
It's gone."
I'm like, "No, I'm pretty sure that I have it still."
He's like, "No, you don't have it."
I'm like, "I don't know."
He goes, "You want me to examine you again?"
"If you have to."
So he does it again. I do it again.
I get finger-banged by Bob Rosen again.
Twice.
Okay.
So now, like, another week goes by,
I'm about to go back to school,
and I decide I have herpes on my cock.
Now, the irony of this is, I had not had sex.
I had somehow gotten it from something.
It was a unique case.
So I, you know--sadly, I probably just, like-- like--
I probably just jerked off too hard.
That was the sad part about it.
Like, all right, anyways...
Look, I didn't want to do this story.
All right, so...
So now I got to go back to Bob Rosen.
So this is--like, I've been at this house.
I've been finger-banged by him twice.
And now a week later I'm going back with herpes
that isn't even there.
So I go into Bob's office and I go--
he's like, "What's up?"
and I'm like, "I'm pretty sure I got herpes."
"Have you had sex recently?"
"No, I've never had it."
"Then how do you think you--"
"I just think I have herpes."
And so he goes, "All right, take your pants down."
So I take my pants down, and he sits down,
and rolls up one of those chairs, you know.
And he's got my cock in his hands.
He's holding my cock.
And he looks at it, and he goes,
"You know, there's nothing here, Marc.
Do you like coming here?"
And that ended my hypochondriacal period.
That was the end of that.
Sealed. Nipped that in the bud.
I should tell you the Viagra story now.
Has to do with another doctor.
I have doctor things.