Have you ever found yourself in a friendship,
or romantic relationship
or even a work relationship
where when conflicts arise,
it seems like maybe a day later or maybe even a few hours later
you're right back to it being unresolved?
Maybe in a relationship
it's one specific conflict that keeps coming up
over and over again.
And every time you try to find agreement,
or feel like you have found it,
it goes right back to being unresolved.
When you're in this type of a dynamic,
it can feel like you're trapped in a nightmare groundhog's day.
But you don't know why it's happening
and you don't know what to do about it.
Disclaimer (pause video to read):
The "No Resolve" Pattern
This "no resolve" pattern
happens when one person in the relationship
or more rarely, both,
are not seeing, accepting, owning and expressing their actual truth.
And this means,
that whatever gets put on the table
is not actually the real truth;
It's not actually the real story.
This means, that whatever you try to resolve
is potentially even just a surface symptom
or not even the real issue at all.
What is real is being kept in the shadows;
denied, disowned and often invisible to the person themselves.
But that very real and savory personal truth
is coming out in all kinds of subconscious ways.
It isn't like the contents
or that real truth that's underneath there, isn't coming out,
it's coming out in all kinds of ways.
Usually it's making itself known to everyone else.
But the person whose personal truth this is,
is blind to it.
If whatever you're trying to find resolve around
is not the actual truth,
is not the actual problem,
then any resolve you find is skin deep.
It's gonna undo itself 10 seconds later,
because, the actual personal truth
or the actual unresolved issue
is still there, completely unchanged.
And this causes that feeling
of everything continuing to revert right back to what it always was.
The way that this is gonna feel in your relationships
if you're the one in this pattern, is:
"I'm stuck on something".
The way it's going to feel
when you're on the other side of this, is:
"It's like they're stuck on something".
So that you can better understand what I mean,
I'm going to give you an example:
Mary owns a company,
Rachel works in the company.
Mary expects every member of the company
to drop what they're doing and come to the boardroom
if she decides that a company group meeting must be held
so that everyone is on the same page.
Every time Mary calls one such meeting,
Rachel acts resentful,
disrespectfully shows up several minutes late,
zones out and does not participate in group discussions.
Obviously, this is a problem for Mary.
They have both sat down with a representative
from the human resources department of this company,
several times, to try to resolve this conflict.
Each time they sit down to try to create this resolve,
what will happen is that Rachel will explain
how much it derails her focus when at the drop of a hat
she's expected to stop what she's doing and go to the boardroom.
And at the same time,
Mary explains every facet
about why that's necessary.
And each time they get into this conflict,
they arrive at some kind of a mutual agreement...
Such as,
the agreement that Mary is going to give 30 minutes leeway
from when she tells people they need to be in the boardroom
to when they actually have to be expected to show up.
At the same time,
Rachel agrees: "Okay. Yes, that's fine.
That will give me enough time,
and then when I show up at these meetings
I'm going to be totally participating,
I'm not going to act resentful,
I'm going to be engaged."
Now this lasts for about one or two of these meetings
before Rachel is right back to behaving the exact same way.
Because it seems like no matter how hard either of them try,
this issue keeps reverting back to what it always has been,
both of them are absolutely dumbfounded
as to why this keeps happening.
The thing is, Rachel has a personal truth;
Her truth, whether right or wrong,
is that Mary is a narcissistic tyrannical dictator.
Rachel believes that Mary demanding everyone to drop what they're doing
and show up at a boardroom is simply proof of it.
On top of feeling like Mary should be different
in terms of her expectations and interactions with others,
Rachal's personal truth
is that she does not want to be told what to do or when to be where.
It makes her feel controlled.
A few times, Mary has brought up
that it feels like Rachel has a problem with her directly,
each time, Rachel denies this and in fact, says:
"No, I think you're a great boss,
otherwise, I wouldn't have even taken this job".
Rachel is not seeing, accepting, owning or expressing her actual personal truth.
She thinks it will get her fired.
But also, she's aware that she grew up in a household
at odds with her tyrannical controlling mother.
And she expects that the way she feels around Mary
is because of the unhealed trauma of that.
So, every time those feelings or thoughts come up
that point to that unsavory hidden personal truth,
she will suppress them.
Because of this, though, both of them are actually stuck.
They're stuck in the situation
where there's an elephant in the room,
the pressure keeps building,
and it gets more and more uncomfortable,
and more and more stuck.
Now, the problem is when pressure like that builds,
there will inevitably be a point in time
where there's a rupture in this whole dynamic.
At that point,
one of them will make a decision.
And they're going to make a decision that's perfectly in alignment
with the perception that they hold,
with that core personal truth,
regardless of whether it's right or not,
they will act in accordance with that hidden personal truth.
Which will then, force the other one
to do the exact same thing.
Only, I can tell you,
those truths are not in alignment.
For example, in our situation
Mary is likely to fire Rachel.
Now, when Rachel is fired,
she no longer has any incentive to be aligned with Mary.
Rachel doesn't actually face a consequence
for bringing up her personal truth,
because the consequence was being fired,
which she already was.
On top of this,
remember how Rachel was a little bit concerned
that the way that she felt towards Mary was about her own personal trauma
relative to her mother?
Well, if Mary goes and fires her,
that's not going to be a thought anymore.
In fact, she's going to think:
"Mary just proved that it's not about my trauma",
that Mary is a tyrannical dictator.
On top of this,
Rachel is likely to act more in alignment
with what that core truth is even if she's totally unaware of it.
Remember how she doesn't like to run her life on other people's time?
She's likely to not get another job underneath another boss,
and do something like: sell her art, for example.
Where she gets to run her own schedule completely.
There are many many reasons
why somebody might fail to see, accept, own and express
their personal truth.
In fact, there are too many reasons for me to list here.
But, I will tell you that all of them
pretty much fall into two categories:
#1.
Not being able to see accept own or express your actual personal truth,
because you feel that existence of the personal truth within you
is in and of itself, bad and wrong
and therefore, negatively impacts your self-concept.
#2.
Wanting to avoid perceived or real consequences
that you imagine will come as a result,
of seeing, accepting, owning and expressing your actual personal truth.
For the sake of your understanding,
I'm going to expose some of these reasons
that fit into these categories:
#1. We live in a world where judgments in general
and certainly certain judgments,
are seen as a really bad and wrong thing to have.
Now, obviously, if this is the case,
we have motive to not have judgment.
This doesn't mean we don't have them.
All people in existence have judgments.
It just means we deny the fact that we have them.
We go blind to the fact that we are harboring a judgment.
I must say that a judgment is actually a kind of personal truth.
Alternatively, we may actually recognize that we have a judgment,
but believe that having that judgment is so wrong or bad
and therefore makes us so wrong and bad and shameful,
that we spend our whole time
arguing ourselves out of our own judgment, to no avail,
Because essentially it means we're resisting our own judgment.
We know that all that we resist persists, right?
I'm going to use a really triggering example:
A person has the judgment that black men are dangerous;
But they feel that admitting to that judgment is racist,
and that racist people are bad and wrong.
So, instead of admit to that judgment,
they will deny it and attend anti-racism rallies, instead.
to try to make up for feeling bad about themselves
for the way they actually feel towards black men.
#2. We live in a world where certain thoughts and feelings
which point to personal truths
are seen as bad and wrong and shameful to have,
so when this is the case, we have incentive
even if we actually do have those thoughts or those feelings
or those personal truths,
to completely deny them.
Not only might we deny them,
we may in fact, argue the exact opposite truth.
For example,
a mother may actually really dislike her daughter
regardless of caring deeply about her.
She will think speak and act in accordance with this actual truth,
but not see accept or own up to or work with this truth,
because she's already decided it's wrong to have that truth
and would mean she's a terrible mother.
To understand more about this, you can watch my video titled:
Self Concept (The Enemy of Awakening)
#3.
We may want to avoid seeing, accepting, owning or expressing
these personal truths
because we perceive that doing so,
i.e. the result of admitting to it,
either to ourselves or other people,
would bring about some consequence we want to avoid.
These consequences may be very real;
They may also be imagined.
For example, a person might fail to see,
accept or own or express the personal truth
that they're miserable and feel alone in their marriage.
They imagine that by admitting to this
they would feel bad about their life, unable to cope,
maybe unable to change anything,
and might have to look at the drudgery of marriage counseling
or even the hell of divorce.
Or, let's say that somebody's personal truth
is that they completely disagree with their boss's opinion,
but they won't see, accept, own or express it,
because they're afraid of getting fired.
Or, let's say, that a person may fail to see,
accept, own or express the fact that they are gay.
Why? Because to do that in the community or family they live in,
might mean ostracization from the very people
upon whom they feel their life depends.
#4.
We may not actually recognize our personal truth as valid.
Because of this, we may be ignoring,
negating, arguing with, denying, suppressing and even at war
with one of our personal truths.
We don't see, accept, own or express it,
because we are against it.
A great example of this,
is that a lot of people who are totally dedicated
to self-development and awareness work
tend to think that if any perception they hold,
or any personal truth that they hold,
can be traced back to a personal trauma,
then it's automatically not valid.
It's not about what is,
it's not about whether it's true,
it's not true and it's just a result of the trauma in the past.
Or, we may think
that a personal truth that we have is actually unhealthy for us.
And so, instead of actually considering
whether that personal truth
should potentially be considered or even accommodated,
we simply say things try to think things
and do things that are the exact opposite
of that personal truth we hold.
Or, we may find that a personal truth that we hold
opposes the truth that is being shared by somebody
whom we deeply respect.
Potentially, somebody who we feel like is more knowledgeable than us,
and it's true, they might actually be,
but when we get into this type of a situation,
we tend to try to throw away our personal truth
and simply take theirs
and put it inside of us, as if it's ours.
This never lasts long, obviously.
It's a failing strategy.
If we can't actually alter our own personal truth
so that that new truth is our truth,
we simply take their truth and make it ours,
there's an expiration date on that personal truth.
When we do this,
we never actually bring up our contradictory personal truth,
so as to try to reach a meeting of minds.
We just stay secretly on a separate page.
Whenever somebody is not seeing, accepting, owning or expressing
their personal actual truth,
it will inevitably feel like a gaslighting situation.
It's going to feel like somebody hates you to death,
but they look at you in the face and say:
"No, I really like you".
Or, you're gonna feel like something's definitely not being said,
even though you keep talking hours and hours days on end.
To understand more about this, you can watch my video titled:
Gaslighting (What Is Gaslighting And How To Heal From It)
Seeing, accepting, owning and expressing your actual personal truth,
is the necessary ingredient for actual resolve.
Whether it is resolve in your own life relative to feeling better,
or resolve in a relationship to establish harmony,
it's only possible to create resolve
when you can take a personal truth and put it on the table.
Figure out whether it is reflective of what is actually true,
or what a higher truth may be.
Find out what to do with that truth
so as to improve your life.
And figure out how to take two people's opposing truths,
and find a way to make them complimentary instead of at odds.
Being brave enough to see, accept, own and express
your actual personal truths
regardless of whether they are right or wrong,
good or bad,
savory or unsavory,
coming from a healed place or not,
is absolutely necessary.
Your concern when you do this,
should simply be how to best go about doing it.
And remember to be in reality
and to create any actual lasting improvement
to any situation,
you have to be able to deal with what is actually there.
Have a good week.
If you liked this video,
be sure to share it, like it and also subscribe to my channel
so you can see more content like this.
But I want to personally thank you for taking the initiative
and having the bravery to step into the space of awareness
not only for yourself, but for the benefit of those around you.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte www.tanyaduarte.com