Please pause and read before you watch this video:
Can You Hold Dichotomy?
I wanna tell you about a man:
This man was the son of an unwed mother.
In fact, when he was born
he was left for two months
at the home for unwed mothers,
before the father of his young mother
decided that he was gonna bring this baby
as well as his young daughter, home to live with him.
This man as a child,
was then raised to believe
that his mother was his sister.
He was also subjected to extreme psychological and physical abuse.
Probably because of all this,
he was a very shy child
who developed a speech impediment.
Because of it, was bullied chronically.
Despite all of this,
he became the Methodist youth fellowship vice president.
He dedicated himself to making money
by delivering newspapers and cutting lawns.
As an adult,
he aimed his sights at success.
He made sure to dress himself professionally,
he made sure to develop an eye for quality.
He actually became super friendly
and developed incredible social skills.
He studied law,
he got himself a psychology degree...
He also had a swift sense of humor.
At some point in his life
he decided that he was gonna get heavily involved in politics.
This was a man who had a hell of a lot of interests.
One of those interests was skiing,
he became a good skier.
But, something that a lot of people don't know about this individual
is that one time
he saved a friend's niece from drowning.
Like, she literally would have died if he was not there.
He also dedicated his time, for a while,
to working on a crisis hotline
where he probably saved lives, as well.
This man was Ted Bundy.
An American serial killer and rapist.
One of the most notorious criminals of the late 20th century.
I wanna tell you another story.
This one is about a woman who is dangerously devout.
In fact,
she supported the idea wholeheartedly
that there should be a ban
against divorce and remarriage,
that would be a part of the constitution.
And yet, what was ironic
is that the exact same year as she gave that idea out to the world,
she supported one of her uber-powerful friends
who was a supporter of hers,
when she decided to file for divorce.
This was a woman who was so against contraception.
She was completely against body sovereignty for women.
In fact, she called abortion:
"the greatest destroyer of peace today".
She opened care homes
where the hygiene in those care homes, was horrible.
We're talking, blankets with feces all over them,
we are talking, reusing of needles
and on top of this, it was a common practice
that disabled children were tied quite literally, tied to their beds.
She also forced baptisms
regardless of whether it was in alignment
or against somebody's wishes.
This woman's main goal was not to be a social worker.
Her main goal was to promote Christianity.
In fact, she went on record as saying:
"The danger is that we may become known only as social workers,
when all of our work is simply an expression of our love for Christ".
Her charity, which got millions of dollars donated annually,
didn't in fact go, for the majority, to her care homes...
It went straight to the church.
Despite having "no money"
for the repairs on these care homes of hers
because all that money was in fact going to the church,
many people criticized her because the walls of these care homes
were covered with images of her,
like a shrine.
Now, those pictures cost a lot of money
to put in their frames and so forth,
that could have been spent on things like needles.
She also believed that suffering
brought people closer to God.
This woman is Mother Teresa.
The prominent and revered humanitarian
considered to be a female saint.
I want you to notice how in both cases that I just gave you,
you were thrown into a state of cognitive dissonance.
Notice how the minute you learned it was Ted Bundy we were talking about
all of his compassion inducing and positive traits
seemed to suddenly be negated and not count.
Notice how the minute you learned
it was Mother Teresa we were talking about,
you became uncomfortable,
and suddenly the positive feelings you felt about her,
seem to be poisoned.
The reason this happened is because
you and everyone else
struggle to hold dichotomy.
As people,
we struggle with gray.
We want things to be black and white.
And in fact, black and white thinking
is a coping mechanism that we use
to try to keep ourselves feeling safe.
We can't seem to wrap our minds around the concept
that nothing and no one is all good or all bad.
We can't wrap our minds around
the fact that one does not negate the other.
We also can't wrap our minds around the fact
that there is contrast in everything.
Part of awakening
and expanding and developing a mature consciousness
is moving into this place of "AND consciousness"
In this place of "AND consciousness"
we acknowledge nuances,
we hold dichotomies.
At first, doing so evokes the sensation
that we're being torn between two things,
or at the very least, stretched.
That stretching process
is an indication that personal expansion is occurring within our being.
In the moment that we acknowledge a contradictory truth or state of being,
and expand wide enough to be able to hold both,
as if holding both is okay,
we have disidentified with both extremes.
we have ceased to become either/or
and instead, have become the thing that is holding both.
By holding both,
instead of aspects of ourself being separated by them
we have created a state of integration or wholeness
within our being.
To learn more about this, I encourage you to watch my video titled:
AND Consciousness (The Modern Day Replacement For The Middle Way)
Until people have made a practice and mastery of this,
we will fail to recognize or be able to hold dichotomy.
This means you're gonna see people in black and white thinking.
All good, or all bad thinking.
You will see it in every biased and slanted media story,
you will hear it in the way people describe other people in their life,
you will notice it in your own perception.
People will continue to demonize and glorify,
condemn and praise,
and...
twist any information
to conform to whatever black or white narrative
they have decided upon.
This tendency, even goes so far as "splitting".
Now, splitting is really just a magnified version
of what we're all doing with this black and white thinking
all day long.
Splitting is the result of the perceived inability to manage
all of this confusing mess
of positives and negatives in everything,
oneself,
other people,
the world at large,
life itself...
When we can't manage the mixed feelings,
confusion and anxiety inducing chaos of positives and negatives,
especially dichotomies,
we split things into all good or all bad camps
in our own consciousness.
It is a form of fragmentation
relative to our own perception.
In a moment that we do this,
we see a thing, ourselves, another person, a situation,
the world or life as all good or all bad,
we slip into all or nothing thinking.
Either we're amazing or we're garbage,
someone else is either a monster or a saint,
things are either always or never happening,
we love something or we hate it.
We start to see things in absolutes with absolutely no middle ground.
And what makes splitting so incredibly obnoxious
as a coping mechanism
is that it is so inconsistent.
What this means is that
we swing from one thing to the other.
In one second when a person does one thing
we see them as amazing and all good.
Literally 10 seconds later,
they do something that people don't like and all and all of a sudden:
"Oh my gosh, this person was awful the whole time,
they were always terrible, they're all bad".
This means that any information that we're introduced to
can wash away our entire experience that we may have had with somebody,
if any element of that experience contradicts this information
that we now have to accept.
Another example,
we may be perceiving that life is just a negative nightmare
and it's always been that way and our life has always been terrible
and then literally, the smallest thing happens
to make it seem like something in life is going good,
and it's almost like the sun breaks in our life
and all of a sudden, it's a switch:
"No, life is really good,
and really my life has just been really full of meaning
and it's been like, really a great ride",
You see?
It's literally black or white,
but to the degree that we have no access to information anymore
within our own consciousness
that contradicts that black version or white version
of our perception.
Splitting, also involves our memory.
What I mean by this is,
when we're in "all good" mode
we tend to only have access to all the positive memories,
whereas, when we switch
and we're in the "all bad" mode
we only have access to the negative memories.
Another variation of this which is equally destructive
is that when we're in "all bad" mode
we will take any positive memory
that may contradict this narrative
and twist it so it fits the negative narrative.
We may do the same thing over here:
If we're in "all positive" mode,
we may look back in time
at the memories that were negative,
and then twist them so that they seem positive
to fit with our all good narrative.
If you find yourself struggling with dichotomies,
with contradictory information or with mixed messages,
I want you to ask yourself the following:
What would be so bad if both were true?
What would it mean?
And why would that be so scary?
For example, if a person was faced with negative information
about someone that they consider a really good friend,
they might ask themselves this question,
and the answer might be:
"I won't know what I can and can't trust with them.
I can't keep myself safe, if I can't predict them".
Then ask yourself:
How might you accommodate for or alleviate that fear?
If a person is keeping themselves in one extreme or the other,
it is because they perceive
that being in this extreme, or this extreme,
keeps them safe in some way
and that looking at the other side,
invites some perception of unsafety.
For example, seeing a person as a monster
and not looking at the positive aspects of them
may keep a person feeling safe
because it means that by contrast
they are good.
If they are good, it means they are lovable
and will line up with positive things
instead of meaning that they are defective
and will line up with painful things.
Or, for example, seeing your mother as "all good"
makes you feel safe because it means you can trust her
and you don't have to be on guard,
or feel the pain of separation from her
that often occurs when you notice negative things about someone.
Figuring out how being stuck in a specific extreme,
causes you to feel good or safe,
will bring you a long way towards developing "AND Consciousness"
If you feel yourself slipping into
"all good" or "all bad" thinking,
if you hear yourself saying: "always" or "never",
if you feel your world turning totally black,
I want you to start to consciously look
for information that contradicts
the current polarity that you are stuck in.
Consciously look for whatever information
brings you into a more objective type of thinking.
For example, if you've been sucked into a negative view of yourself,
Deliberately look for positive things about yourself.
If you hear yourself say "always"
deliberately remember times that were an exception to the rule.
This is not to negate your current perception,
this should not be a negation exercise.
Instead, you're looking to add to your current perspective.
The objective perspective
is an amalgamation of subjective perspectives.
That means you have to look at the perspectives on both sides,
to form an objective picture of reality
Here's one thing I will mention:
In order to do this,
you may have to pull yourself out of fight or flight mode first.
When we are in fight-or-flight mode the part of our brains and bodies
that can execute objective thinking, is disabled.
We need to notice how we really feel
and from there, regulate our nervous system
in order to not let our distress trap us
in all negative thinking states.
Or, alternatively,
we need to notice the reality of the unsafety we feel
and regulate it,
so as to not let ourselves be trapped in an all positive denial state
because we are trying to cope with our distress.
Black or white thinking is a form of cognitive distortion.
It is to miss
the whole objective view of anything.
So, challenge yourself
to hold dichotomy.
Have a good week.
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I wanna thank you personally
for the bravery that you have to step into awareness.
I'll see you in the next video.
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