let me go right under your arms okay are
you taking my blood pressure taking all
of it
Chelsie
yes I'm assuming this is a lie-detector
test that's correct okay
is your name chelsea handler yes is your
middle name joy yes were you born in New
Jersey I was are these yes and no or can
i elaborate for now it's yes or no okay
we just need to calibrate the mission
okay yes
are you ready to take a lie-detector
test yes estoy lista as they would say
in españa just show you guys know I
could take it in Spanish or English it's
up to you let's stick to English okay no
problem so the first category is your
life thank you
as a teenager you competed in the Miss
Teen New Jersey pageant is that correct
we're fond memories yes did you win that
was not a fun memory and thank you for
bringing up no I did that when he came
in top 15 were you in the pageant for
world peace no that wasn't an issue back
then were you in it for the money no
there was no money in it
what were you in it for the recognition
that I was beautiful and that I could
use an entire bottle of Aqua Net on my
head in one sitting and go out in a prom
dress or a gown or whatever the I
wore and kill it obviously the notes
backward that I did not kill it but I
did come in top 15 and for that I am
very proud I think that's worth being
proud of thank you nobody asked you
moving on
just being in a beauty pageant mean that
you faked and probably I doubt my
parents paid for that though so I don't
know how I got tan I probably had to go
outside do you still faked in yes do you
think you look better with a tan yes
obviously everybody looks better with a
little bit of a tan okay you too do you
think this men looks better with a tan
that's not a tan that's a burn an orange
burn that's when you get burned by an
actual orange that sounds accurate is my
blood pressure going up cuz sometimes it
does when I see photos of them it is a
little bit heavy yes sorry I'm sorry if
the veins start popping out of my neck I
would like to take a break you also
celebrated your BOTS Mitzvah as a teen
correct that's more than most people
celebrate their bat mitzvahs do you
remember your Torah reading my total
reading oh no no I don't barely remember
my Bat Mitzvah I was in a blackout do
you remember your outfit yes yes I do it
was cream virginal
if you will that was the last time I
wore white
am i telling the truth so far exactly
thank you was your Bat Mitzvah hot
invite in middle school uh it was the
opposite of that it was in my parents
backyard and I don't recall having any
friends there and then my parents took
the money that everybody gave me from
their friends
I got envelopes of cash that I was so
excited about and then they took all the
money and kept it so that's what growing
up in my house was like he worked as a
waitress before right thank you that's
correct
did you ever flirt to get a bigger tip
yes yes I did I've slept with people at
restaurants so they weren't people that
were gonna tip me they were other people
that worked at the restaurant that was
you know when you could - things like
that so did I flirt with people for a
better tip yeah the answer would be yes
did I sleep with anybody I don't even
think you asked that did you I did not
okay so let's rewind answer yes well we
have that on the record now so okay
she ever spit in a bad customers food
never I would never spit in anyone's
food well that's not true but I never
did that as a waitress and people who do
that are so stupid and petty the person
doesn't even know that you spit in their
food so what's the point of that you
catch my drift girl oh I know where
you're talking about that talk about
passive-aggressive if I'm gonna spit I'm
gonna do it right in your face and say
hey whatever you do to spend you know
however that goes give her drink
someone's left over 100 out it I'm not
into the leftover cocktails
that's kind of gross but food is
different if there are sections of the
plate that have been untouched you know
when people don't get to like three
ravioli the two are safe that are not in
the frame you know with the sauce if you
can see untouched food why not take a
little potato gnocchi and pop it right
into your mouth can't pass up a ravioli
you told Ellen in 2017 that you've never
hooked up with a fan but that was two
years ago so is that still true yeah
I've never hooked up with a fan I don't
think no not like after a show or
anything like that no I haven't hooked
up with a fan no that's for men men do
that have you ever hooked up with
someone that you were a fan of
most of the people I've had sex with I'm
not let me think a fan of a famous
person no no I've only hooked up with
men that I'm not fans of is that true
that's true you recently talked about
how Donald Trump becoming president
pushed you into therapy does that mean
you'll stop going to therapy once he's
out of office I know it doesn't I remain
in therapy sporadically for the rest of
my life because I realize how helpful it
is and I actually like to thank the
Trump family not that I will but I would
like to thank them for making me have a
meltdown and having to go to therapy
because I think that I'm a much better
person for it I'm certainly much calmer
than I used to be and I know how to take
deep breaths now so you know I would
thank them if they were human beings but
since they're not I can't thank them so
whatever does that answer your question
I think that sums it up excellent you've
openly talked about working through your
own daddy issues in therapy do you think
this woman has daddy issues yes yes I do
what about this woman she's got
different yes she's got the same it yeah
you're right they all have issues she's
got daddy issues
you think they have separate daddy
issues yeah they have seven ones from
being ignored and ones from having too
much attention from the daddy and ones
from no attention from the daddy so you
know how that goes
you have to chose is that right that is
correct
thank you Bertrand and Bernice those
were their birth names I didn't even
have to name them that name those names
and I would have those would have been
my first top choice of names Bertrand
and Bernice but now they're too came
with the name so obviously that was a
connection and it was supposed to happen
have you ever called your dog's your
children I hope not
stupid do you think it's possible to
love a dog as much as a person I don't
know for some people I guess but that's
ridiculous
a human being is a human being and a dog
is not a human being it's close but not
quite the same thing is there such a
thing as having too many dogs yeah yeah
I mean I think if it's things become
unsanitary and you know what I'm
catching that you know we're driving at
I should say or and what you I need you
to catch from what my I'm driving is
dingleberries is that something that
came up earlier this morning actually
with a friend something I haven't
thought about but say that comes into
the equation and your dog is carrying
around little shits qoodles and their
little popsicle stick buckles and they
want to spread those around the house
then you need to get one less dog that's
where you draw the line or you couldn't
stay brother but closed that's your call
now let's talk about your career one of
the first shows you started was a
hidden-camera reality show called girls
behaving badly oh really that's fun
thank you I'm cute we are not give me my
tank top showing some skin cute girls
yeah I just had dinner with Sean drama
the other night what's your next
question about that did the contestants
on the show actually know they were
being filmed yeah not initially
sometimes we'd have to redo things after
to pick up and then they would be in on
it and they'd have to play along but in
the first one which was the main thing
now they didn't know do you enjoy
watching reality TV do you have another
question that's answerable okay if
things ever went downhill in your career
would you ever say yes to Celebrity Big
Brother that's a hard no hard no is that
true she is telling the truth
what about celebrity survivor that's a
hard no a heart no I'm trusting that
it's also true and that's the same
answer as your reality television
question should be ashamed of yourself
okay I'm in my 40s I don't have time for
that jazz you've written five books six
you've written six six books and they've
all made the New York Times bestseller
list is that correct yes have you ever
checked the list to make sure your book
was still on there
yes you do that often you don't check
the list they send you the list if
you're on it you don't find out that
you're on it they tell you you're on it
like two weeks before and if they don't
tell you then you really need to get a
new publisher you come up with your book
titles yourself um some of them I have
this last one was my brother my best
friend's husband Michael Morris Mary
McCormick's husband came up with life
will be the death of me very clever when
you write your books are you ever under
the influence yes that's right I like to
edit I like to write then I like to go
back get a little stoned and then put in
some funny stuff and then I like to have
sessions where I get really stoned and
just write anything so yes
drugs are a factor or cannabis is a
factor I don't even consider it a drug I
consider it a coping mechanism do you
think you're right better under the
influence um it's a little goes a long
way you don't need to be under the
influence for the entire writing of the
book but you can't go in and sprinkle
some stoned behavior in within the book
you know everything to a degree
you know me moderation moderation
monitoring John Waters once said if you
go home with somebody and they don't
have books don't them have you ever
abided by this rule that's a great rule
but no probably one I should start
abiding by judging from my track record
I mean I don't know if I know anybody
who doesn't have books at least people
have fake books that they pretend to
read so I mean if somebody really
doesn't have books and that's cause for
alarm have you ever been to a potential
lovers home and on the Shelf they have
your book well no that would be a
boner-killer unless I was hooking up
with a girl which I really don't do
anymore
were you once a correspondent on The
Tonight Show I guess so
I mean here's a picture of it a terrible
outfit I know look at me I look like a
harlot is it safe to say Jay Leno is
your favorite late-night talk show host
No
you once said that P Diddy was three
hours late to be a guest on your show
have you ever been that late to anything
three hours late no honestly three hours
late who acts like that I went off on
him that day and I feel good about it
still do you hold a grudge against him
no no of course not
you once said that Justin Bieber was the
worst guest you've ever had but that was
before your Netflix talk show so is
Justin Beiber still the worst guess
you've ever had I don't even remember
the interview with Justin Bieber that I
said he was the worst no I mean
interviews are usually no I haven't this
I don't have a good answer for that I
can't ever think of a good answer for
that or story best let's move on to pop
culture I would say you have quite a
presence on Instagram
would you agree sure yes do you actually
make your own posts mostly yeah I make
my post I have a social media person but
we I do a lot of stuff on my own and
then some of the stuff is done by her
have you ever unfollowed a friend for
posting too much I've muted people and
yes I've unfun on my own friend but I've
muted my own friends yes
and what a great what a great um what's
it called option no what a great feature
to be able to mute people and their
stories it's perfect because you don't
want to unfollow people you're friends
with it hurts people's feelings because
people actually look at that
so you'd rather just ignore them have
you ever used space tuned on any of your
photos no that is true you follow both
Kensington Palace and Kate Middleton's
brother on Instagram would you say you
have Royals fever no no okay Middleton's
brother is obviously a mistake or maybe
I saw it no maybe that's not a mistake I
don't know who that is
even so if Prince Harry came up to you
at a bar would you let him buy you a
drink sure what about Prince William not
as much as Prince Harry but yeah I guess
so I mean I'm not gonna say no to be
getting a drink from one of these guys I
mean it's the polite thing to do right I
obviously wouldn't stay and hang out
with Prince William because he doesn't
sound like that much fun but Harry seems
more fun Harry does seem more fun
do you ever encounter Megan Markel when
she was just an actress no I didn't I
saw suits though on a plane once does
that count
did you like her in suits I mean it's
okay I heard you're creating your own
cannabis line that's correct
thank you have you tried post Malone's
new week yeah Oh post Malone oh no I
didn't even know he had a new weed no
that looks like it's gonna be very
strongly judging by the medal in his
mouth but you know who might a
stereotype
what about Whoopi's week oh I love what
Bay yeah no I have never tried her weedy
they're actually I should be tried any
celebrity weed ah Snoop Dog whiz it does
Wiz Kalifa Havas own weed line I believe
so he should get it cuz I wasn't right
for three days after that and and and
and Willie Nelson's was very strong as
well I wasn't able to drive for for 48
hours have you ever been uncomfortably
stoned at a red carpet event I wish the
answer was yes I've been uncomfortable
but not stoned so you haven't been
stoned at all at red carpet event oh
yeah I mean a little stone but not too
stoked
what about it award shows I don't go to
those I'm generally not invited
what about while hosting your TV shifts
down probably have you ever accidentally
eaten edible thinking it was a normal
snack yes I did that this morning I had
250 milligrams of CBD for some thing we
were shooting and I still don't feel
anything so I don't know what to make of
it at any point during this interview
did you lie and we didn't catch you know
that the truth that's true
nice work thank you thank you