[Girl:] Somebody pooped all over the bathroom again.
[Kurt:] Huh?
[Girl:] Dooo you wanna see it?
[Ryan:] It's really gross. It wasn't me this time, I swear!
Kurt. Hello? Are you listening to me?
You're thinkin' about that new girl, aren't you.
[Kurt:] Ah, yeah. She's just so beautiful.
[Ryan:] Well then go talk to her, you knucklehead!
Talkin' to girls is easy.
Like bein' a doctor, or winning a chili cook-off!
Anybody can do it!
[Kurt:] Yeah, it's easy for you, because you're too dumb to realize that if you mess up even once,
you'll never ever get to third base with her for the rest of your life.
[Ryan:] Well then maybe you should try being duuumb.
[Kurt:] Well ma-
Maybe you're right.
[Kurt:] I can't believe I'm saying this, but... Will you help me?
[Ryan:] I thought you'd never ask, best bud.
I know just the thing!
[Ryan:] Hey Kurt. Kurt. [Kurt:] *whispering* Shut up.
[Ryan:] Kurt. Look at me, Kurt! [Kurt:] Shut up. I'm right here!
[Ryan:] I'm right here, Kurt. Can you see me? Kurt! [Kurt:] Shut up, shut up!
[Kurt:] Shut up. Yes, I hear you, you idiot.
I'm trying to be inconspicuous.
[Ryan:] Inconspicu-what?
Whatever. Just do exactly what I tell you.
Say hi, but say it like Rerun from "What's Happening." Girls love that dude.
Trust me!
[Kurt:] Hey hey hey.
[Girl:] Oh, my god.
I love What's Happening.
Rerun is my favorite!
[Kurt:] That show is over 30 years old. I can't believe that worked.
[Girl:] Can't believe what worked?
*Ryan whispering*
[Kurt:] You face. It looks really good.
Did your mommy give it to you?
[Girl:] My daddy did.
[Kurt:] Your dad sounds hot.
[Ryan:] No, Kurt! Focus!
[Kurt:] Oh, hey, the show's starting.
you wanna come on and talk about all the relationships you've probably been in?
[Girl:] Sure.
[Kurt:] Great!
*Ryan whispering*
[Kurt:] Oh. Catch ya on the cabbage train, Judge Judy.
[Kurt:] I think you went (quacking sounds) when you meant to go (rumbling sounds)
[Ryan:] *laughing* That sounded like a duck!
"Are you my daddy?"
[Kurt:] (duck voice) Are you my daddy?
[Ryan:] Thank you! [Girl:] Oh my god.That looks crazy!
[Ryan:] Yeah! It looks crazy the way Kurt does it. His whole face morphs,
(Duck voice) (Laughing)
[Ryan:] That's the voice you should do to be romantic.
If you talk to a lady that way, I'm sure she'll -
[Kurt:] *Oh baby*
[Girl:] Yeah, like Daisy Duck.
[Ryan:] Okay, let's do- let's do a scenario.
[Kurt:] I can't say anything like that, it's the hardest - [Ryan:] Okay well you gotta try.
[Ryan:] You an' Sam are on a date.
What are you gonna say?
Everything went well,
you bought her a bunch of drinks. [Kurt:] You're not gonna be able to understand
what I say, though.
[Ryan:] So then you got her some roses, [Kurt:] Okay.
[Ryan:] and she has a big smile on her face, she is so excited.
You know that you can seal this deal if you say the right thing.
(quacking)
(laughing) [Kurt:] I can't talk like that.
I said "I'm gonna put this on my bill," by the way.
(laughing) It's a face joke.
Yeah, a lot of duck face humor I can do.
[Ryan:] "I'll put this on my bill!"
That's so stupid! [Kurt:] I know!
[Girl:] I thought you said something about pie.
[Kurt:] I can't - [Ryan:] I thought he said something about a butt.
[Girl:] I thought he said "Yes I want some pie."
[Ryan:] That would seal the deal. You win!
[Kurt:] If I would've said something about a pie?
[Ryan:] Yeah! Cuz she- she wanted pie at the end.
[Kurt:] Oh, so did I.
[Ryan:] Aah, dammit.
[Kurt:] Yeah. Yup. Yes, I did it.
[Ryan:] See, Kurt? You can talk to girls just fine!
[Kurt:] Yeah, it's wierd. When I finally started talking to her, it just felt natural.
You know what I mean?
Like kissing your sister.
[Girl:] Totally. In fact, there's something important I have to tell you.
*beeping*
[Ryan:] Ooh, are you a bomb?
[Girl:] No, idiot.
I'm from the future, and I only have one minute until I'm transported back there.
[Kurt:] From the future? Wha-
Are you my daughter or something?
'Cuz that makes this boner super uncomfortable.
[Girl:] No. I'm not your daughter.
I'm you.
[Kurt:] Me? But you're a -
[Girl:] Totally hot lady. I know.
[Ryan:] Whooa. You must be like from like ten years in the future!
[Girl:] Six months.
Kurt, you have to listen to me.
You're in grave danger.
[Kurt:] Yeah. I can see that.
[Girl:] No. Not this.
In episode six, you...
You're gonna be -
[Ryan:] That was so...
freakin' sweet, bro!
[Kurt:] Sweet? Future me, who just so happens to be a totally hot lady,
was just killed!
[Ryan:] Yeah, killed by a sweet-ass meteor!
I mean look at it, dude!
I'm gonna touch it. I'm gonna touch it. [Kurt:] No. No. No.
[Ryan:] Oh god, I hope I get some weird alien disease.
[Kurt:] Ry- Ry. There's no way that was actually me, right?
[Ryan:] Uh, let's see, uh- You fell in love instantly,
uh, you smelled like the same,
and you're both totally short,
and uh- oh, shoot!
Look at her left foot!
It's just like yours.
Nothin' but pinky toes.
[Kurt:] Aw, shit.